ClayMation
11-27-2007, 07:12 AM
http://www.zubazpants.com/articles/archive/jbyrne00.html
the link above is where I found this. It's a little long, but worth the read...funniest thing I ever read. Enjoy.
Speaking From the Heart ... Randy Savage Style
By Jim Byrne on 8-2-04
Is there really any other way to kick off a fledgling website than with a review of the gloriously epic, 45-minute masterpiece that is the World Wrestling Federation’s “Superstars: the Music Videos?”
I think not.
And who, God dammit who, is a better man to host the show than none other than the second coming of Christ himself, the immortal “Macho Man” Randy Savage? If there is another man to deflower a website, let me know who it is.
In the event that you do not know whom the virtuoso “Macho Man” Randy Savage is, you should be forced to watch the upcoming Jimmy Fallon/Queen Latifah vehicle, “Taxi,” for the rest of eternity. Or have Savage drop one of his “flying elbows” on you; either way is fine with me.
“Superstars: the Music Videos” came out in 1993, packaged with one of the WWF’s notoriously overpriced home videos, “Grudges, Gripes and Grunts.” Although “Grudges, Gripes and Grunts” sounds like the title of a hardcore gay porn film, I begged and pleaded for my parents to get the two-set video pack for Christmas in good ole ’93. Shut up, I was 11.... While “Grunts, Groins and Grundles” was the selling point of the $60 pack, “Superstars: the Music Videos” quickly became one of my favorite additions to the VHS collection.
Vince McMahon’s WWF and producer Simon Cowell (yes, that Simon Cowell) had just put out Wrestlemania: the Album earlier in the year, a compilation of tracks “sung” by the so-called superstars of the Federation. The album had ten songs on it, with such luminaries as Tatanka, the Nasty Boys and even The Undertaker taking time out of their busy wrestling schedules to provide some sweet melodic music for all those fans of the “wrestler as singer” genre out there to enjoy. Wrestlemania: the Album was just one of those albums that comes along every so often and totally rocks the foundation of the music industry. Think The Beatles’ “Sgt. Pepper” crossed with Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.”
Okay, so I’m lying. The album fucking sucks. It was basically the superstars talking over lame background vocals and cheesy melodies. But shit man, myself and the rest of the wrestling fans ate it up. Of course, McMahon wanted to make sure his album sold like a mothafucka, so he decided to make a set of four music videos to hype up the release of the album.
And that brings us to “Superstars: the Music Videos.”
The tape is set in some bland, too white, generic-looking WWF editing room, with one completely out of place fixture that may cause the viewer epileptic seizures. Yep, you guessed it, it’s “Macho Man” Randy Savage. In sporting neon yellow and hot pink, as only Savage can do, “Macho Man” introduces himself as host and our quest through this madness begins.
When watching this, you can only feel as if McMahon banged on Savage’s hotel room one morning and said, “Randy, get your fuckin’ goofy-ass outfit on and get down to the studio. We need you to host ‘Superstars: the Music Videos.’ And don’t forget your stupid hat and those sunglasses you can’t see out of. Oh yeah, and remember to take your dose of LSD.”
No knock on Randy though, he seems ready for the gig and does a spin move to start off the show as the streamers attached to his jacket fly in every which direction. I still refuse to believe he can see out of his sunglasses though, it literally looks like someone took house paint to a pair of cheap Caldor sunglasses.
Savage proceeds to open the tape by saying, “They say that music calms the savage beast, not in this case here, ‘cuz the man is on fire! Yeaaaah, and I’m not gonna STOP!” I fucking love Randy Savage, everything the man says is comedic gold. On a side note, whenever I quote Savage throughout this article, you really have to say it in your head in his voice. It just makes it that much more funny if you hear him saying this wacky shit in your head.
Of course though, he has to take his glasses off to find the button that plays the first music video, revealing his creepy, Jim McMahon looking eyes. And before the video starts, Savage gives us a “Press play! I can DO IT! Yeaaaaaah.” God bless his soul, someone needs to put his head on some piece of U.S. currency. Forget putting Ronald Reagan on the $20 bill, put Savage on there with his hat (with giant feather in it) and insane glasses.
The first of four videos we have to mire through is for the song “Wrestlemania” by the WWF Superstars. It starts off innocently enough with one of the cheesy special effects that Mr. Rippolon (a certified crackhead) taught my seventh grade T.V. production class how to do. As some schlep (not a WWF Superstar, mind you) sings “It’s ’93, it’s time for Wrestlemania,” we witness commentators Bobby Heenan and Gorilla Monsoon as the subjects of this “special effect.” Basically, all that is done is they rewind and fast forward a two-second clip of the two about five times making it seem as if the two are involved in some sort of bizarre ritual that you would expect from Marshall Applewhite and his dead cronies in the “Heaven’s Gate” cult. Very strange.
Then begins the WWF voiceovers. “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan, or “the retarded guy with the 2X4” as I like to call him, is the first to go by proclaiming that “Hacksaw is going to show you how to get beat up,” something he further explains in his own video later in the tape when he says “Hacksaw is going to show you how to get beat up.” What a philosophical son of a bitch.
Up next is Tatanka in some misty room. A pretty stupid sequence that ends with Tatanka yelling, not singing mind you, “TATANKA WILL BE SUCCESSFUL!” Sorry to break it to you Tatanka, but no minority, especially one with a red dollop on his head, ever makes it in McMahon’s WWF. It sure is sad, but that’s the way it was back in the old days of the WWF. Hey, at least you were better off than “Portuguese Man of War” Aldo Montoya.
While the superstars ramble on about their aspirations, the background vocalists are singing away to the repetitive chorus of “Oh, ohoh, ohoh, Wrestlemaniaaa, man, this is our life!” During one scene where that line is sung, a clip is shown of Doink doing whatever a circus clown/wrestler does. What I’m wondering is if Doink ever thought “man, this is my life” while he was dressed up as a clown in tights wrestling guys like Bastian Booger. That lyric always sounded kind of pathetic to me, like the wrestlers were calling out for help or something.
Next, we’re treated to a Big Boss Man commentary where he busts out the non-sequitor of “see these handcuffs, they’re an instrument of justice!” Thanks for clearing that up Boss Man, you somehow managed to sound dumber than Jim Duggan. Pretty impressive.
From there, the song kicks into the vintage 90’s era rap breakdown that every shitty song has to have. I just don’t get it, why the rap breakdown? It never works. I don’t care if it’s the one in Michael Jackson’s “Black or White,” Bobby Brown’s Ghostbusters 2 song (although he gets bonus points for being the only musician to ever mention Vigo the Carpathian in a song) or the WWF Superstars “Wrestlemania,” the rap breakdown is one of the worst trends EVER.
Fortunately, the video comes to the end and we go back to the studio with Randy where he is singing along with “Wrestlemania.” The guy really is a trooper. He starts blabbing on about some sort of “lock and key situation,” and you really have to feel for the producers as Savage continues to ad-lib. It’s pretty clear that there is no script to this video, and Savage is just freewheeling as he goes along. I can just imagine the looks the producers are shooting each other as “Macho Man” talks about peanuts and sea urchins or whatever his inane topic is at that moment. It has to be like one of those situations where you’re not supposed to laugh, but you’re with your friend and something funny happens and you try in vain to hold in the laughter. I wouldn’t be able to handle filming a Randy Savage hosted tape; I’d be bursting out every five seconds with every removal of his sun glasses, spin move or “oooooh yeah!”
Since the tape is only 45 minutes long, McMahon had to squeeze in some other crap to go along with his music videos that take up about 15 minutes of the tape, so Savage starts commenting on how Tatanka has the most pride in the WWF. Which is bullshit of course, because we all know that Skinner “the Alligator Man” has the most pride of any WWF superstar past or present. This is all set up for the next clip however, and “Macho Man” gets it going by spinning around three times while saying, “Spin around one time, spin around two time, spin around three time. FLASHBACK, BLAST FROM THE PAST! Take a look!” You really have to wonder what goes through his mind sometimes. I’d bet good money that his life is just one big, permanent “Fear and Loathing” episode with melting people and June bugs flying around his psyche.
Here were subjected to a Raymond Rougeau interview from WWF Superstars with Bam Bam Bigelow that goes horribly wrong after Sensational Sherri interrupts. I won’t get into the gory details, but it ends with Bam Bam looking like he is going to give Sherri a beat down before fucking Tatanka comes to the rescue. Ugh, haven’t we seen enough of Tatanka already?
Thankfully, the next clip is from the same show where Tatanka is scheduled to fight. Something has gone awry however, and Tatanka does not come down to the ring when his theme music is played. His music is played a second time, classically prompting commentators McMahon and Roddy Piper to get excited again after being so worried when he didn’t come down the first time. “Here he is!” they proclaim, though Tatanka still does not show. A backstage video is then shown where Tatanka is getting his ass whooped by Bam Bam.
On a side note, I always wondered why wrestlers didn’t get arrested when they assaulted guys back stage a la Bam Bam and Tatanka. Of course, I didn’t realize it was fake. I finally figured that out when the Berzerker tried to stab the Undertaker with a sword. Boy, did I feel stupid.
Finally, we head back to Macho in the studio where the video shot starts at his feet and goes all the way up to his head, with the pain of a “Macho Cameltoe Junk” shot, if you will, somewhere in the middle. Eek. Not fun at all.
Running out of bullshit to talk about, Savage goes over to some poor schmuck in the studio trying to do his job. “Hey Chuck, Chuck the blind duck, is that your name?” he asks. At this point my mind is officially starting to melt. Macho Man then busts out the phrase “guaranteed personified” as he hypes up video number two.
Savage sits back and starts shooting the shit about “Summerslam Jam,” another ambitious recording from those uber-talented musicians known as the WWF Superstars. For some reason, he starts ranting and raving about family and even yells at Chuck for yawning. How much did it cost to make this video? Three cents? Seriously, I can’t believe they charged $60 bucks for the freakin’ package. But, who am I kidding, I’m loving every second of it. Except for the “Macho Junk” of course.
Randy proceeds to talk about how Bret Hart is the real king as opposed to “The King” Jerry Lawler, because he won the “King of the Ring,” and that he isn’t afraid to say it. Why the FUCK would he be afraid to say that? It’s not like he is making some bold statement that Marty Jannetty is the real king of the ring. It’s a fact Savage, there is nothing to be afraid of.
This rant comes to a conclusion when Savage rips off his glasses, looks directly into the camera, scares the absolute shit out of me, and screams “think about family, yeaaaah!” That was definitely more frightening than the time my cousins forced me to watch the “Large Marge” scene from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure when I was four.
This leads us to an agonizing clip of the fabled Bret Hart/Jerry Lawler feud where Stu Hart mumbles, Lawler makes fun of him and Bret gets Lawler in “the sharpshooter” for about 20 minutes.
“Snap, crackle, pop! Get down Hitman, yeaaah!” is Macho Man’s greeting as we come back from the Hitman/Lawler debacle, but things get even more outrageous as he prepares to introduce us to “Summerslam Jam.”
In what I will refer to as the “Macho Man” soliloquy, Savage talks uninterrupted for about one minute about only God knows what.
“Hold all calls, I’m getting down right now and we’re all getting down right now! Uh-huuuuh! Summerslam, let’s get happy, let’s get real, uh-huuuuh! Let’s do this the way we did it before! This is the way it is, this is the way it was and this is the way its gonna be when we get the momentum they can’t stop us! PRESS PLAYY! There’s the magic finger! Pressing down, yeaaaaah!”
Wow.
And then “Summerslam Jam,” perhaps one of the worst songs EVER, begins. An extremely lame beat is laid down, with the background singers yelling “Ha!” or “Slam!” every so often. So far, the song sounds like one from the old Super Nintendo game “Chrono Trigger.” Obviously, something is not right from the get go.
Then begins the wrestler voice-overs, with Bret Hart going on about being the “Excellence of Execution,” Macho Man throwing in a few “Ooooh yeaaaahs” and the Undertaker’s famous line of “the Undertaker … says slam!” in a whispering voice that should be part of no song.
Once the wrestlers are done talking, the chorus kicks in, in what may be the worst lyrics ever written for a song. Yes, worse than any Fred Durst or Jefferson Starship Creation, it is simply that bad. It goes like this. “Mime to a mam slam, it’s a SLAM JAM! Whoa-o-o.” Absolutely abysmal. My brother could have written that when he was three and had crayons jammed up his nose. What the fuck was Simon Cowell thinking when producing this album? You think they could have put a little more thought into writing the lyrics. The song absolutely sucks.
As we head back to the control room, “Macho Man” comments that he has “happy feet” and starts dancing with a woman named Jillian in the middle of the floor to the end of “Summerslam Jam.” This is probably the second lowest moment of Jillian’s life, next to the time she did the wild thing with Savio Vega. Seriously though, how can you possibly dance to “Summerslam Jam?” Maybe “Speaking From the Heart,” Savage’s “hit” song (more on this later), but not the “Summerslam Jam.” It just isn’t humanly possibly, which goes to show you that Savage really isn’t human. But, we already knew that he was in fact the second coming of Jesus Christ.
Savage then begins to speak his mind on the subject of Yokozuna, the 500 plus-pound monster that had taken the WWF by storm back in the early to mid-90’s. Randy brings up the feud between Yokozuna and that retard with the 2X4, and says that he “wants us to take a look at these two trains headed towards one another and an explosion,” intensifying the situation by slamming his hands together a la Kramer on Seinfeld when he described George Costanza’s two worlds colliding in the episode where Susan begins to hang out with the four friends. Thinking about it now, I think it would be fair to say that if Michael Richards ever walked out on Seinfeld, they surely could have replaced him with Randy Savage. Seinfeld might have even gone on to a higher level.
We’re then shown a clip of the famous “can anybody knock down Yokozuna” match of early ’93 where Duggan squares off with Yokozuna to see if he can be the first man in the Federation to take Yoko off his feet. As McMahon hypes up this feud between Japan and the U.S.A. (???), rebo actually is successful in knocking the fat load off of his feet. What happens next is a wild celebration where Duggan takes the American flag to the top of the turnbuckle and starts waving it like the buffoon he is.
Although everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, notices that Yoko has gotten back up and was handed a bucket of salt by the devious Mr. Fuji, Duggan refuses to acknowledge the fans right in his face desperately pointing and screaming to turn around. When he finally does, he is greeted by a blast of “salt,” and is blinded as he falls to the floor. Yokozuna then precedes to “Banzai Drop” the moron about five times, the last of which he places the American flag over Duggan before he does the dirty deed. Excellent and provocative television that shows off that not only is Duggan a dumb bastard in real life, but a really fucking dumb one in the wrestling world. The best part is that the fans in the crowd look legitimately upset over what has happened, going to show you why wrestling used to be so much better. People used to actually get upset by retards getting sat on or Savage getting attacked by bloodthirsty pythons. Now, if you see Chris Benoit or whatever schmuck the WWE is pushing these days get seriously maimed, you just laugh your ass off. Ah, how I miss the glory days of pro wrestling, when steroid abuse was par for course and fans thought it was real.
Back in the studio, Savage is extremely upset at the footage we just had to watch. He starts to rant and rave about some garbage when we are thankfully saved by a Gorilla Monsoon appearance in the room. Macho and Gorilla talk about how they are broadcast colleagues, and eventually Gorilla talks about how “Duggan should make every American proud to be one,” which is of course, questionable at best.
They talk about the next video to be shown, Jim Duggan’s “U.S.A.” With the popularity of one William Hung these days, you can’t help but think that the WWF was ahead of the times back in ’93. Perhaps if McMahon had the foresight to see that if people love deuchbags that butcher songs, he could have had Duggan singing Ace of Base’s “I saw the sign,” or Randy Savage singing “November Rain” on a special WWF cover album. This could have been one hell of an album. Or one that could have signaled the end of civilization, as we know it. Ostensibly, Simon Cowell took this idea and ran with it some 10 years later.
Nevertheless, we are shown a “making of” video where we get to see Hacksaw dancing around in the studio while the producer (wearing a cheesy Aztec-style looking shirt and one of those classic ponytails, no joke) tries to make sense of his crumbling life. From there we are thrust right into Duggan’s awe-inspiring “U.S.A.”
The opening of the video is a shot of Duggan sitting backstage somewhere, sitting in a chair and speaking, “I got my 2X4 (with “2X4” echoing), I got the American flag (“American flag” echoes).” Then, some voice in the background that sounds like the guy that does the coming attractions at the movies declares the phrase “A powerful new force!” As with all of these songs, Duggan then starts jabbering on about his opponent, his 2X4, his penis, yadda, yadda, yadda.
The chorus of this song goes a little something like this: “U-S-A, U-U-USA, U-S-A, Hoooooo!” In fact, the term USA is repeated 38 times in the song, shattering MC Hammer’s record use of “Junk in the Trunk” by twelve. As you can tell, Duggan is one hell of a musician. The only other line that is repeated in the song is Hacksaw’s “Ha-Hacksaw Jim Duggan b-beats people up up up!” Words fail me here.
Macho Man is speechless back in the studio for the first time ever, and I don’t even think someone as insane as him can sugarcoat this stinker. So he changes the subject and starts pontificating about the making of music videos, which leads to a rant about computers taking over the world. I’m not making this up.
Savage praises the human brain, stating “and that’s the one thing computers will never replace. The human know-how. All these machines couldn’t do it; it takes brains to get things done. Human heart, guaranteed personified.” Seriously man, what the fuck. I don’t even know where to begin with this one. Was Savage auditioning for a part in Steven Spielberg’s “A.I.” or had he just watched the Terminator movies one too many times. And what’s with the use of “guaranteed personified” again.
With that, Savage then dedicates the next clip to “the real heroes” of the world, the people that made these vomit-inducing music videos. What it is is a terrible video showing Tatanka in that smoky room again with some really perv people around him. Intermittently between the shots of wrestlers prepping to talk over music, we are shown “technology” shots of things like keyboards and other “strange” devices.
“Was that or cool or was that cool!” Savage yells into the camera as we come back to his little room. After that savagely boring clip, Randy leads us to the coup de gras of the entire tape, his own music video, “Speaking From the Heart.”
Savage is perhaps the only guy that actually sings (if you can call it that, it sounds more like an insane-asylum escapee on mushrooms) on the album, and we now know thanks to his recently released “rap” album that Macho is a big time music aficionado. He dedicates “Speaking From the Heart” to the children of the world, although it may have been better to dedicate this to the aliens of planet Zorg.
I’m not going to bore you here with a play-by-play of the video, because I want you to read the lyrics for yourself. It is very clear that Savage wrote this, and I wish that the WWF had more superstars willing to write their own songs. Although I think Savage’s insanity makes this a real winner, some of the other wrestlers could have at least given it a shot. On a side note, my friend Mike recently had a college graduation party and made the DJ play his CD, which had this song on it. Great times, I tell you. I would advise anyone to put this on a college party mix to be played around the portion of the party where everyone is getting really fucked up. Some people might cry, some might hallucinate and some might just leave your wild affair, but it will always be a great time.
Without further ado, the lyrics to the epic “Speaking From the Heart.”
Macho Man: The tower of power to sweet to be sour, funky like a monkey, ooooh yeah!
(The drumbeat kicks in and Savage yells “Get Down!)
Someone in the background yells, “let me hear you say hoooooo!” and the crowd repeats hoooo! a few times before Savage kicks back in.
Macho Man: Macho Man says dig it, dig it! Macho Man says dig it, dig it! Macho Man says dig it, dig it! (a girl in the background goes “that gets my heart pumping!” after the third dig it.)
Background vocals: Gets your heart up pumping, gets the party jumping, he’s the Matcho Maaaaan. Everybody saying, he’s really quite amazing, he’s the Matcho Maaaan!
Macho Man: Soaring with the eagles and slithering with the snakes, I’ve been everywhere in between, I am your friend, I am the Macho Man Randy Savage. Speaking from the heart, it’s the Macho Man talking to you right now, let’s rock, dig it, dig it! Freak out, Freak out, oooooh yeah! This is the way it is and I will be there when it happens, the past the present and the future all in one time. We’re all gonna climb that mountain together and we are together forever, ooooh yeah!
Background Vocals: Gets your heart up pumping, gets the party jumping, he’s the Matcho Maaaaan. Everybody saying, he’s really quite amazing, he’s the Matcho Maaaan!
Macho Man: Wherever you go, I will be with you, I’ll always be with you, YEAH! The moon, the stars, Venus, Pluto, Sat-turn, yeaaaaah, lookin’ down.
Gene Okerlund (in an excited voice): Macho Man Randy Savage!
Background Vocals: Gets your heart up pumping, gets the party jumping, he’s the Matcho Maaaaan. Everybody saying, he’s really quite amazing, he’s the Matcho Maaaan! Gets your heart up pumping, gets the party jumping, he’s the Matcho Maaaaan. Everybody saying, he’s really quite amazing, he’s the Matcho Maaaan!
Okay, now that you have digested that a little, I just wanted to make a note of a few things. The video version of the song was cut short, taking away the pleasure of hearing one of Randy’s more profound lines in “I am what I am, and I am the Macho Man!” Also, when you read “Matcho Man” in the chorus, which is exactly what they are saying, note that they are singing Match-o Man and not Macho Man. No, I don’t get it, and probably never will.
That pretty much raps up my review of the WWF’s “Superstars: The Music Videos.” I hope you enjoyed it, and if you made it this far into the article give your self a Barry Horowitz pat on the back. I’m sorry for the length of this, I’ll try to keep it under 4,000 words next time.
Source: www.zubazpants.com
the link above is where I found this. It's a little long, but worth the read...funniest thing I ever read. Enjoy.
Speaking From the Heart ... Randy Savage Style
By Jim Byrne on 8-2-04
Is there really any other way to kick off a fledgling website than with a review of the gloriously epic, 45-minute masterpiece that is the World Wrestling Federation’s “Superstars: the Music Videos?”
I think not.
And who, God dammit who, is a better man to host the show than none other than the second coming of Christ himself, the immortal “Macho Man” Randy Savage? If there is another man to deflower a website, let me know who it is.
In the event that you do not know whom the virtuoso “Macho Man” Randy Savage is, you should be forced to watch the upcoming Jimmy Fallon/Queen Latifah vehicle, “Taxi,” for the rest of eternity. Or have Savage drop one of his “flying elbows” on you; either way is fine with me.
“Superstars: the Music Videos” came out in 1993, packaged with one of the WWF’s notoriously overpriced home videos, “Grudges, Gripes and Grunts.” Although “Grudges, Gripes and Grunts” sounds like the title of a hardcore gay porn film, I begged and pleaded for my parents to get the two-set video pack for Christmas in good ole ’93. Shut up, I was 11.... While “Grunts, Groins and Grundles” was the selling point of the $60 pack, “Superstars: the Music Videos” quickly became one of my favorite additions to the VHS collection.
Vince McMahon’s WWF and producer Simon Cowell (yes, that Simon Cowell) had just put out Wrestlemania: the Album earlier in the year, a compilation of tracks “sung” by the so-called superstars of the Federation. The album had ten songs on it, with such luminaries as Tatanka, the Nasty Boys and even The Undertaker taking time out of their busy wrestling schedules to provide some sweet melodic music for all those fans of the “wrestler as singer” genre out there to enjoy. Wrestlemania: the Album was just one of those albums that comes along every so often and totally rocks the foundation of the music industry. Think The Beatles’ “Sgt. Pepper” crossed with Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.”
Okay, so I’m lying. The album fucking sucks. It was basically the superstars talking over lame background vocals and cheesy melodies. But shit man, myself and the rest of the wrestling fans ate it up. Of course, McMahon wanted to make sure his album sold like a mothafucka, so he decided to make a set of four music videos to hype up the release of the album.
And that brings us to “Superstars: the Music Videos.”
The tape is set in some bland, too white, generic-looking WWF editing room, with one completely out of place fixture that may cause the viewer epileptic seizures. Yep, you guessed it, it’s “Macho Man” Randy Savage. In sporting neon yellow and hot pink, as only Savage can do, “Macho Man” introduces himself as host and our quest through this madness begins.
When watching this, you can only feel as if McMahon banged on Savage’s hotel room one morning and said, “Randy, get your fuckin’ goofy-ass outfit on and get down to the studio. We need you to host ‘Superstars: the Music Videos.’ And don’t forget your stupid hat and those sunglasses you can’t see out of. Oh yeah, and remember to take your dose of LSD.”
No knock on Randy though, he seems ready for the gig and does a spin move to start off the show as the streamers attached to his jacket fly in every which direction. I still refuse to believe he can see out of his sunglasses though, it literally looks like someone took house paint to a pair of cheap Caldor sunglasses.
Savage proceeds to open the tape by saying, “They say that music calms the savage beast, not in this case here, ‘cuz the man is on fire! Yeaaaah, and I’m not gonna STOP!” I fucking love Randy Savage, everything the man says is comedic gold. On a side note, whenever I quote Savage throughout this article, you really have to say it in your head in his voice. It just makes it that much more funny if you hear him saying this wacky shit in your head.
Of course though, he has to take his glasses off to find the button that plays the first music video, revealing his creepy, Jim McMahon looking eyes. And before the video starts, Savage gives us a “Press play! I can DO IT! Yeaaaaaah.” God bless his soul, someone needs to put his head on some piece of U.S. currency. Forget putting Ronald Reagan on the $20 bill, put Savage on there with his hat (with giant feather in it) and insane glasses.
The first of four videos we have to mire through is for the song “Wrestlemania” by the WWF Superstars. It starts off innocently enough with one of the cheesy special effects that Mr. Rippolon (a certified crackhead) taught my seventh grade T.V. production class how to do. As some schlep (not a WWF Superstar, mind you) sings “It’s ’93, it’s time for Wrestlemania,” we witness commentators Bobby Heenan and Gorilla Monsoon as the subjects of this “special effect.” Basically, all that is done is they rewind and fast forward a two-second clip of the two about five times making it seem as if the two are involved in some sort of bizarre ritual that you would expect from Marshall Applewhite and his dead cronies in the “Heaven’s Gate” cult. Very strange.
Then begins the WWF voiceovers. “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan, or “the retarded guy with the 2X4” as I like to call him, is the first to go by proclaiming that “Hacksaw is going to show you how to get beat up,” something he further explains in his own video later in the tape when he says “Hacksaw is going to show you how to get beat up.” What a philosophical son of a bitch.
Up next is Tatanka in some misty room. A pretty stupid sequence that ends with Tatanka yelling, not singing mind you, “TATANKA WILL BE SUCCESSFUL!” Sorry to break it to you Tatanka, but no minority, especially one with a red dollop on his head, ever makes it in McMahon’s WWF. It sure is sad, but that’s the way it was back in the old days of the WWF. Hey, at least you were better off than “Portuguese Man of War” Aldo Montoya.
While the superstars ramble on about their aspirations, the background vocalists are singing away to the repetitive chorus of “Oh, ohoh, ohoh, Wrestlemaniaaa, man, this is our life!” During one scene where that line is sung, a clip is shown of Doink doing whatever a circus clown/wrestler does. What I’m wondering is if Doink ever thought “man, this is my life” while he was dressed up as a clown in tights wrestling guys like Bastian Booger. That lyric always sounded kind of pathetic to me, like the wrestlers were calling out for help or something.
Next, we’re treated to a Big Boss Man commentary where he busts out the non-sequitor of “see these handcuffs, they’re an instrument of justice!” Thanks for clearing that up Boss Man, you somehow managed to sound dumber than Jim Duggan. Pretty impressive.
From there, the song kicks into the vintage 90’s era rap breakdown that every shitty song has to have. I just don’t get it, why the rap breakdown? It never works. I don’t care if it’s the one in Michael Jackson’s “Black or White,” Bobby Brown’s Ghostbusters 2 song (although he gets bonus points for being the only musician to ever mention Vigo the Carpathian in a song) or the WWF Superstars “Wrestlemania,” the rap breakdown is one of the worst trends EVER.
Fortunately, the video comes to the end and we go back to the studio with Randy where he is singing along with “Wrestlemania.” The guy really is a trooper. He starts blabbing on about some sort of “lock and key situation,” and you really have to feel for the producers as Savage continues to ad-lib. It’s pretty clear that there is no script to this video, and Savage is just freewheeling as he goes along. I can just imagine the looks the producers are shooting each other as “Macho Man” talks about peanuts and sea urchins or whatever his inane topic is at that moment. It has to be like one of those situations where you’re not supposed to laugh, but you’re with your friend and something funny happens and you try in vain to hold in the laughter. I wouldn’t be able to handle filming a Randy Savage hosted tape; I’d be bursting out every five seconds with every removal of his sun glasses, spin move or “oooooh yeah!”
Since the tape is only 45 minutes long, McMahon had to squeeze in some other crap to go along with his music videos that take up about 15 minutes of the tape, so Savage starts commenting on how Tatanka has the most pride in the WWF. Which is bullshit of course, because we all know that Skinner “the Alligator Man” has the most pride of any WWF superstar past or present. This is all set up for the next clip however, and “Macho Man” gets it going by spinning around three times while saying, “Spin around one time, spin around two time, spin around three time. FLASHBACK, BLAST FROM THE PAST! Take a look!” You really have to wonder what goes through his mind sometimes. I’d bet good money that his life is just one big, permanent “Fear and Loathing” episode with melting people and June bugs flying around his psyche.
Here were subjected to a Raymond Rougeau interview from WWF Superstars with Bam Bam Bigelow that goes horribly wrong after Sensational Sherri interrupts. I won’t get into the gory details, but it ends with Bam Bam looking like he is going to give Sherri a beat down before fucking Tatanka comes to the rescue. Ugh, haven’t we seen enough of Tatanka already?
Thankfully, the next clip is from the same show where Tatanka is scheduled to fight. Something has gone awry however, and Tatanka does not come down to the ring when his theme music is played. His music is played a second time, classically prompting commentators McMahon and Roddy Piper to get excited again after being so worried when he didn’t come down the first time. “Here he is!” they proclaim, though Tatanka still does not show. A backstage video is then shown where Tatanka is getting his ass whooped by Bam Bam.
On a side note, I always wondered why wrestlers didn’t get arrested when they assaulted guys back stage a la Bam Bam and Tatanka. Of course, I didn’t realize it was fake. I finally figured that out when the Berzerker tried to stab the Undertaker with a sword. Boy, did I feel stupid.
Finally, we head back to Macho in the studio where the video shot starts at his feet and goes all the way up to his head, with the pain of a “Macho Cameltoe Junk” shot, if you will, somewhere in the middle. Eek. Not fun at all.
Running out of bullshit to talk about, Savage goes over to some poor schmuck in the studio trying to do his job. “Hey Chuck, Chuck the blind duck, is that your name?” he asks. At this point my mind is officially starting to melt. Macho Man then busts out the phrase “guaranteed personified” as he hypes up video number two.
Savage sits back and starts shooting the shit about “Summerslam Jam,” another ambitious recording from those uber-talented musicians known as the WWF Superstars. For some reason, he starts ranting and raving about family and even yells at Chuck for yawning. How much did it cost to make this video? Three cents? Seriously, I can’t believe they charged $60 bucks for the freakin’ package. But, who am I kidding, I’m loving every second of it. Except for the “Macho Junk” of course.
Randy proceeds to talk about how Bret Hart is the real king as opposed to “The King” Jerry Lawler, because he won the “King of the Ring,” and that he isn’t afraid to say it. Why the FUCK would he be afraid to say that? It’s not like he is making some bold statement that Marty Jannetty is the real king of the ring. It’s a fact Savage, there is nothing to be afraid of.
This rant comes to a conclusion when Savage rips off his glasses, looks directly into the camera, scares the absolute shit out of me, and screams “think about family, yeaaaah!” That was definitely more frightening than the time my cousins forced me to watch the “Large Marge” scene from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure when I was four.
This leads us to an agonizing clip of the fabled Bret Hart/Jerry Lawler feud where Stu Hart mumbles, Lawler makes fun of him and Bret gets Lawler in “the sharpshooter” for about 20 minutes.
“Snap, crackle, pop! Get down Hitman, yeaaah!” is Macho Man’s greeting as we come back from the Hitman/Lawler debacle, but things get even more outrageous as he prepares to introduce us to “Summerslam Jam.”
In what I will refer to as the “Macho Man” soliloquy, Savage talks uninterrupted for about one minute about only God knows what.
“Hold all calls, I’m getting down right now and we’re all getting down right now! Uh-huuuuh! Summerslam, let’s get happy, let’s get real, uh-huuuuh! Let’s do this the way we did it before! This is the way it is, this is the way it was and this is the way its gonna be when we get the momentum they can’t stop us! PRESS PLAYY! There’s the magic finger! Pressing down, yeaaaaah!”
Wow.
And then “Summerslam Jam,” perhaps one of the worst songs EVER, begins. An extremely lame beat is laid down, with the background singers yelling “Ha!” or “Slam!” every so often. So far, the song sounds like one from the old Super Nintendo game “Chrono Trigger.” Obviously, something is not right from the get go.
Then begins the wrestler voice-overs, with Bret Hart going on about being the “Excellence of Execution,” Macho Man throwing in a few “Ooooh yeaaaahs” and the Undertaker’s famous line of “the Undertaker … says slam!” in a whispering voice that should be part of no song.
Once the wrestlers are done talking, the chorus kicks in, in what may be the worst lyrics ever written for a song. Yes, worse than any Fred Durst or Jefferson Starship Creation, it is simply that bad. It goes like this. “Mime to a mam slam, it’s a SLAM JAM! Whoa-o-o.” Absolutely abysmal. My brother could have written that when he was three and had crayons jammed up his nose. What the fuck was Simon Cowell thinking when producing this album? You think they could have put a little more thought into writing the lyrics. The song absolutely sucks.
As we head back to the control room, “Macho Man” comments that he has “happy feet” and starts dancing with a woman named Jillian in the middle of the floor to the end of “Summerslam Jam.” This is probably the second lowest moment of Jillian’s life, next to the time she did the wild thing with Savio Vega. Seriously though, how can you possibly dance to “Summerslam Jam?” Maybe “Speaking From the Heart,” Savage’s “hit” song (more on this later), but not the “Summerslam Jam.” It just isn’t humanly possibly, which goes to show you that Savage really isn’t human. But, we already knew that he was in fact the second coming of Jesus Christ.
Savage then begins to speak his mind on the subject of Yokozuna, the 500 plus-pound monster that had taken the WWF by storm back in the early to mid-90’s. Randy brings up the feud between Yokozuna and that retard with the 2X4, and says that he “wants us to take a look at these two trains headed towards one another and an explosion,” intensifying the situation by slamming his hands together a la Kramer on Seinfeld when he described George Costanza’s two worlds colliding in the episode where Susan begins to hang out with the four friends. Thinking about it now, I think it would be fair to say that if Michael Richards ever walked out on Seinfeld, they surely could have replaced him with Randy Savage. Seinfeld might have even gone on to a higher level.
We’re then shown a clip of the famous “can anybody knock down Yokozuna” match of early ’93 where Duggan squares off with Yokozuna to see if he can be the first man in the Federation to take Yoko off his feet. As McMahon hypes up this feud between Japan and the U.S.A. (???), rebo actually is successful in knocking the fat load off of his feet. What happens next is a wild celebration where Duggan takes the American flag to the top of the turnbuckle and starts waving it like the buffoon he is.
Although everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, notices that Yoko has gotten back up and was handed a bucket of salt by the devious Mr. Fuji, Duggan refuses to acknowledge the fans right in his face desperately pointing and screaming to turn around. When he finally does, he is greeted by a blast of “salt,” and is blinded as he falls to the floor. Yokozuna then precedes to “Banzai Drop” the moron about five times, the last of which he places the American flag over Duggan before he does the dirty deed. Excellent and provocative television that shows off that not only is Duggan a dumb bastard in real life, but a really fucking dumb one in the wrestling world. The best part is that the fans in the crowd look legitimately upset over what has happened, going to show you why wrestling used to be so much better. People used to actually get upset by retards getting sat on or Savage getting attacked by bloodthirsty pythons. Now, if you see Chris Benoit or whatever schmuck the WWE is pushing these days get seriously maimed, you just laugh your ass off. Ah, how I miss the glory days of pro wrestling, when steroid abuse was par for course and fans thought it was real.
Back in the studio, Savage is extremely upset at the footage we just had to watch. He starts to rant and rave about some garbage when we are thankfully saved by a Gorilla Monsoon appearance in the room. Macho and Gorilla talk about how they are broadcast colleagues, and eventually Gorilla talks about how “Duggan should make every American proud to be one,” which is of course, questionable at best.
They talk about the next video to be shown, Jim Duggan’s “U.S.A.” With the popularity of one William Hung these days, you can’t help but think that the WWF was ahead of the times back in ’93. Perhaps if McMahon had the foresight to see that if people love deuchbags that butcher songs, he could have had Duggan singing Ace of Base’s “I saw the sign,” or Randy Savage singing “November Rain” on a special WWF cover album. This could have been one hell of an album. Or one that could have signaled the end of civilization, as we know it. Ostensibly, Simon Cowell took this idea and ran with it some 10 years later.
Nevertheless, we are shown a “making of” video where we get to see Hacksaw dancing around in the studio while the producer (wearing a cheesy Aztec-style looking shirt and one of those classic ponytails, no joke) tries to make sense of his crumbling life. From there we are thrust right into Duggan’s awe-inspiring “U.S.A.”
The opening of the video is a shot of Duggan sitting backstage somewhere, sitting in a chair and speaking, “I got my 2X4 (with “2X4” echoing), I got the American flag (“American flag” echoes).” Then, some voice in the background that sounds like the guy that does the coming attractions at the movies declares the phrase “A powerful new force!” As with all of these songs, Duggan then starts jabbering on about his opponent, his 2X4, his penis, yadda, yadda, yadda.
The chorus of this song goes a little something like this: “U-S-A, U-U-USA, U-S-A, Hoooooo!” In fact, the term USA is repeated 38 times in the song, shattering MC Hammer’s record use of “Junk in the Trunk” by twelve. As you can tell, Duggan is one hell of a musician. The only other line that is repeated in the song is Hacksaw’s “Ha-Hacksaw Jim Duggan b-beats people up up up!” Words fail me here.
Macho Man is speechless back in the studio for the first time ever, and I don’t even think someone as insane as him can sugarcoat this stinker. So he changes the subject and starts pontificating about the making of music videos, which leads to a rant about computers taking over the world. I’m not making this up.
Savage praises the human brain, stating “and that’s the one thing computers will never replace. The human know-how. All these machines couldn’t do it; it takes brains to get things done. Human heart, guaranteed personified.” Seriously man, what the fuck. I don’t even know where to begin with this one. Was Savage auditioning for a part in Steven Spielberg’s “A.I.” or had he just watched the Terminator movies one too many times. And what’s with the use of “guaranteed personified” again.
With that, Savage then dedicates the next clip to “the real heroes” of the world, the people that made these vomit-inducing music videos. What it is is a terrible video showing Tatanka in that smoky room again with some really perv people around him. Intermittently between the shots of wrestlers prepping to talk over music, we are shown “technology” shots of things like keyboards and other “strange” devices.
“Was that or cool or was that cool!” Savage yells into the camera as we come back to his little room. After that savagely boring clip, Randy leads us to the coup de gras of the entire tape, his own music video, “Speaking From the Heart.”
Savage is perhaps the only guy that actually sings (if you can call it that, it sounds more like an insane-asylum escapee on mushrooms) on the album, and we now know thanks to his recently released “rap” album that Macho is a big time music aficionado. He dedicates “Speaking From the Heart” to the children of the world, although it may have been better to dedicate this to the aliens of planet Zorg.
I’m not going to bore you here with a play-by-play of the video, because I want you to read the lyrics for yourself. It is very clear that Savage wrote this, and I wish that the WWF had more superstars willing to write their own songs. Although I think Savage’s insanity makes this a real winner, some of the other wrestlers could have at least given it a shot. On a side note, my friend Mike recently had a college graduation party and made the DJ play his CD, which had this song on it. Great times, I tell you. I would advise anyone to put this on a college party mix to be played around the portion of the party where everyone is getting really fucked up. Some people might cry, some might hallucinate and some might just leave your wild affair, but it will always be a great time.
Without further ado, the lyrics to the epic “Speaking From the Heart.”
Macho Man: The tower of power to sweet to be sour, funky like a monkey, ooooh yeah!
(The drumbeat kicks in and Savage yells “Get Down!)
Someone in the background yells, “let me hear you say hoooooo!” and the crowd repeats hoooo! a few times before Savage kicks back in.
Macho Man: Macho Man says dig it, dig it! Macho Man says dig it, dig it! Macho Man says dig it, dig it! (a girl in the background goes “that gets my heart pumping!” after the third dig it.)
Background vocals: Gets your heart up pumping, gets the party jumping, he’s the Matcho Maaaaan. Everybody saying, he’s really quite amazing, he’s the Matcho Maaaan!
Macho Man: Soaring with the eagles and slithering with the snakes, I’ve been everywhere in between, I am your friend, I am the Macho Man Randy Savage. Speaking from the heart, it’s the Macho Man talking to you right now, let’s rock, dig it, dig it! Freak out, Freak out, oooooh yeah! This is the way it is and I will be there when it happens, the past the present and the future all in one time. We’re all gonna climb that mountain together and we are together forever, ooooh yeah!
Background Vocals: Gets your heart up pumping, gets the party jumping, he’s the Matcho Maaaaan. Everybody saying, he’s really quite amazing, he’s the Matcho Maaaan!
Macho Man: Wherever you go, I will be with you, I’ll always be with you, YEAH! The moon, the stars, Venus, Pluto, Sat-turn, yeaaaaah, lookin’ down.
Gene Okerlund (in an excited voice): Macho Man Randy Savage!
Background Vocals: Gets your heart up pumping, gets the party jumping, he’s the Matcho Maaaaan. Everybody saying, he’s really quite amazing, he’s the Matcho Maaaan! Gets your heart up pumping, gets the party jumping, he’s the Matcho Maaaaan. Everybody saying, he’s really quite amazing, he’s the Matcho Maaaan!
Okay, now that you have digested that a little, I just wanted to make a note of a few things. The video version of the song was cut short, taking away the pleasure of hearing one of Randy’s more profound lines in “I am what I am, and I am the Macho Man!” Also, when you read “Matcho Man” in the chorus, which is exactly what they are saying, note that they are singing Match-o Man and not Macho Man. No, I don’t get it, and probably never will.
That pretty much raps up my review of the WWF’s “Superstars: The Music Videos.” I hope you enjoyed it, and if you made it this far into the article give your self a Barry Horowitz pat on the back. I’m sorry for the length of this, I’ll try to keep it under 4,000 words next time.
Source: www.zubazpants.com