Joke Of The Day Thread

[Black Widow]

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JOKE OF THE DAY THREAD

[Black Widow]

Blonde at the Appliance Store


A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

[John]

:laugh: Thankyou for that joke... lol.

[Mr Mando]

nice one .. keep making fun on blondes .. lol

[JohnCenaFan28]

OMFG! I loved that one, I love blonde jokes!

[Black Widow]

The Blonde Flight Attendant

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said,

"I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?"

She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[Black Widow]

The Blonde & The Coke Machine

It was a really hot day and this blonde decided she would go buy a coke. She went to the coke machine and when she put her money in, a coke came out - so she kept putting money in.

And since it was such a hot day, a line had formed behind her. Finally, a guy on line said, "Will you hurry up? We're all hot and thirsty!"

And the blonde said, "No way. I'm still winning!"

[John]

Classic Blonde Jokes. Keep em coming Ryno!

[JohnCenaFan28]

I love blonde jokes lmao.

[Black Widow]

New Male Performance Drugs

--PROJECTRA: Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

--COMPLIMENTRA: In clinical trials, 82% of middle-aged men noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

--BUYAGRA: Married men report a sudden urge to buy their wives gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be ascertained: whether the results extend to not minding when women spend money on themselves.

--ANTI-AGRA: Promises the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on U.S. Senators.

--NOSPORTAGRA: This drug makes men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

--FLATULAGRA: This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases into air freshener.

--FLYAGRA: This drug shows great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder).

--LIAGRA: This drug helps men lie more successfully when asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Political Strength versions.

[Black Widow]

Why PMS?

Q: Why do they call it PMS?

A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

[Black Widow]

Blonde With ESP and PMS

Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?

A: A know-it-all bitch.

[Black Widow]

Women and PMS

Q: What is the difference between a woman with PMS and a snarling Doberman Pincher?

A: Lipstick!

[JohnCenaFan28]

LOL, nice ones.

[Black Widow]

Christmas Cookie Dough

Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal bb's in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs.

''Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bb's came out.''

"Suzy," Grandma said. "I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." Then Jill came down and said ''Grandma, I went poo and there were bb's in it.''

"Jill, I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." About five minutes later little Billy came.

''Grandma something terrible has happened, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!''

[JohnCenaFan28]

LOL, good one.

[Black Widow]

The Nuns and The Blind Man

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice gazongas," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

[Black Widow]

Blonde Rolls Back The Odometer

A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car.

"235,000 miles." Her friend told her that was the problem. But the blonde's friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted. So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000. Two days later the blond's friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped the miles. The blonde told her, "Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it!"

[JohnCenaFan28]

OMG lol.

[Black Widow]

Why Hanukkah is Better Than Christmas

1. There''s no "Donny & Marie Hanukkah Special"
2. Eight days of presents (in theory, anyway).
3. No need to clean the chimney.
4. There's no latke-nog.
5. Burl Ives doesn't sing Hanukkah songs.
6. You won't be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals.
7. You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown".
8. No barking dog version of "I had a Little Driedl".
9. No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.
10. Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.

[Black Widow]

Priest's First Mass

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:



1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[JohnCenaFan28]

LOL, nice one.

[John]

One of the best.

[Black Widow]

A Scotsman is on holiday in New York City...

A Scotsman is on holiday in New York City.

It's a balmy spring day and he is wearing a kilt.

A young woman comes up to him and boldly asks him if anything is worn beneath the kilt.

"No lassie" he replies, "everything is in fine working order."

[Black Widow]

A Cork Radio Station

A Cork, Ireland radio station was holding an on-air contest to see who could come up with the best word not in a dictionary that would still make sense in a sentence. One of the first callers used the word G-O-A-N, pronounced "go-an."

"Okay, caller. How would you use this in a sentence?"

"Go-an. Goan fuck yerself!" Concerned about it being a family show, the DJ quickly hung up on the man. After fielding a bunch more unsuccessful calls, another caller calls up with the word S-M-E-E, pronounced "smee."

"Okay, caller. How would you use this in a sentence?"

"Smee again. Goan fuck yerself!"

[Black Widow]

Irish Wakings

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

One less drunk.

[Black Widow]

Irish on Vacation

Q: Where does an Irish person go on a vacation?

A: A new bar

[Black Widow]

Why E-Mail Is Like a Penis

Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.

Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-Mail Envy."

It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species.

Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

If you play with it too much, you could go blind.

[lɐuǝɯo⊥ǝɥԀ]

lmao thanks for that

[JohnCenaFan28]

LOL at the Irish Wake/Wedding.

[Black Widow]

Blonde Weighs a Baby

A blonde calls a pharmacy and asks if she needs an infant scale to weigh a baby. The clerk explains that many women figure out an infant's weight by weighing themselves while holding the baby on an adult scale, then the mother weighs herself alone and subtracts the second amount from the first.

"Oh, that won't work," replies the blonde. "I'm not the mother -- I'm the aunt."

[JohnCenaFan28]

LOL, nice one Ryan.

[Black Widow]

Don't Make Me Bible Belt You

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.

"I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!"

"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

[Black Widow]

Blonde House Party

How do you get a blonde on the roof?

....tell her drinks are on the house.

[JohnCenaFan28]

LMAO, I love these blonde jokes.

[Black Widow]

Little Johnny... Definite Definition

Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"

The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?

Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."

"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."

Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."

The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."

Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"

The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"

Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely sh*t my pants."

[JohnCenaFan28]

LOL, nice one Ryan.

[Black Widow]

Skin Transplant Surgery

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[JohnCenaFan28]

LMAO, thanks for that one Ryan.