The Hammer
06-22-2006, 09:51 PM
Sorry if this was already posted before but some of these are pretty funny
Some Facts about Chuck Norris:
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.
3. Chuck Norris can speak braille.
4. Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
5. Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
6. Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
7. Chuck Norris has only one hand: the upper hand.
8. Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
9. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
10. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
11. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
12. Chuck Norris never hides, he only seeks.
13. The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.
14. Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
15. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
16. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
17. Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the shit out of them.
18. Objects in Chuck Norris's rear-view mirror appear at their correct distances.
19. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
20. Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
21. The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
22. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
23. The movie Anaconda was filmed in Chuck Norris' pants.
24. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
25. Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
26. Chuck Norris did that to Michael Jackson's face.
27. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants. 29 7.759
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
28. Chuck Norris is the reason for Attention Deficit Disorder. There is no way anyone can pay attention when they know Chuck Norris is lurking.
29. Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.
30. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
31. Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.
32. If you lost your virginity, Chuck Norris probably has it.
33. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
34. Ozzy Osbourne ate the head of a bat, but Chuck Norris ate Batman.
35. Jawbreakers were originally in the shape of Chuck Norris' fist.
36. Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
37. Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
38. If you try video taping Chuck Norris without his permission you will very quickly be filming the inside of your own ass.
39. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
40. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
41. Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
42. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
43. Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
44. Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
45. Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter". 79 7.468
When Chuck Norris visited the Vatican, he took the Pope's confession.
46. Chuck Norris once fell into a pool of toxic waste, and the toxic waste gained super powers.
47. When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.
48. Inspired by the movie Alien vs. Predator, Chuck Norris has begun work on a screen play tentatively titled, "Alien, Predator, Frankenstein, Wolfman, The Mummy, and a Whole Shitload of Vampires vs. Chuck Norris."
49. Chuck Norris uses Viagra eyedrops so he can look hard.
50. If you stare directly into the sun it will bring some eye problems. If you stare directly into Chuck Norris it will bring death.
51. Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.
52. There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer because Chuck Norris is always in control.
53. Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
54. There is three ways to do things. The right way, the wrong way and the Chuck Norris way. The Chuck Norris way is just the wrong way but with more roundhouse kicks
55. If you know some one who doesn't like Chuck Norris, you won't know them for long.
56. Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
57. Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
58. The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
59. Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn't submitted them to the site because he doesn't believe in any form of submission.
60. When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
61. Anything you can do Chuck Norris can do better.
62. Chuck Norris is like corn. No matter how much shit he is in, he still come out in one piece.
63. Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.
64. Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.
65. When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.
66. When Chuck Norris gets in a car crash the air bags do not save Chuck Norris, they save the car.
67. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked cancer so hard he gave it AIDS.
68. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
69. When asked why he round-house kicked an entire school of children Chuck Norris replies "I don't like Mondays." When informed that it was Tuesday he replied "I still don't like Mondays."
70. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
71. We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
72. Chuck Norris invented the internet so people could talk about how great Chuck Norris is.
73. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
74. Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
75. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
76. During a game of golf, Chuck Norris shot 2 holes in one, struck out 9 batters, passed for over 300 yards, recorded a hat trick, and broke the single lap speed record at Daytona Speedway.
77. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
78. Chuck Norris once killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff.
79. Chuck Norris doesn't see problems. Chuck Norris only sees victims.
80. Chuck Norris always has the right of way.
81. As a child, Chuck Norris played Hungry Hungry Hippos with real hippos.
82. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
83. To show its patriotism, the American flag recently got a tattoo of Chuck Norris.
84. Chuck Norris was once the F.B.I's chief negotiator. His job involved calling up criminals and saying, "This is Chuck Norris."
85. On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."
86. The only reason the Energizer Bunny keeps going and going is because it knows Chuck Norris is after it.
87. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
88. Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.
89. The fences at the zoo are to keep the animals safe from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
90. We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.
91. Chuck Norris once caught the common cold, then broke it's neck. 31 7.000
92. In order to speed up the wait time for death row inmates, Texas added death by roundhouse kicks to the list of acceptable methods of execution. The wait has gone down from 7 years to before you step out of the courthouse.
93. Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.
94. It is widely known that Houdini died when a kid punched him in the stomach. What isn't widely known is that kid was Chuck Norris.
95. Chuck Norris always gets blackjack. Even when he's playing poker.
Jeeves asks Chuck Norris.
Some Facts about Chuck Norris:
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.
3. Chuck Norris can speak braille.
4. Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
5. Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
6. Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
7. Chuck Norris has only one hand: the upper hand.
8. Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
9. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
10. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
11. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
12. Chuck Norris never hides, he only seeks.
13. The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.
14. Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
15. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
16. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
17. Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the shit out of them.
18. Objects in Chuck Norris's rear-view mirror appear at their correct distances.
19. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
20. Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
21. The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
22. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
23. The movie Anaconda was filmed in Chuck Norris' pants.
24. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
25. Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
26. Chuck Norris did that to Michael Jackson's face.
27. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants. 29 7.759
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
28. Chuck Norris is the reason for Attention Deficit Disorder. There is no way anyone can pay attention when they know Chuck Norris is lurking.
29. Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.
30. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
31. Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.
32. If you lost your virginity, Chuck Norris probably has it.
33. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
34. Ozzy Osbourne ate the head of a bat, but Chuck Norris ate Batman.
35. Jawbreakers were originally in the shape of Chuck Norris' fist.
36. Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
37. Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
38. If you try video taping Chuck Norris without his permission you will very quickly be filming the inside of your own ass.
39. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
40. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
41. Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
42. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
43. Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
44. Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
45. Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter". 79 7.468
When Chuck Norris visited the Vatican, he took the Pope's confession.
46. Chuck Norris once fell into a pool of toxic waste, and the toxic waste gained super powers.
47. When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.
48. Inspired by the movie Alien vs. Predator, Chuck Norris has begun work on a screen play tentatively titled, "Alien, Predator, Frankenstein, Wolfman, The Mummy, and a Whole Shitload of Vampires vs. Chuck Norris."
49. Chuck Norris uses Viagra eyedrops so he can look hard.
50. If you stare directly into the sun it will bring some eye problems. If you stare directly into Chuck Norris it will bring death.
51. Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.
52. There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer because Chuck Norris is always in control.
53. Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
54. There is three ways to do things. The right way, the wrong way and the Chuck Norris way. The Chuck Norris way is just the wrong way but with more roundhouse kicks
55. If you know some one who doesn't like Chuck Norris, you won't know them for long.
56. Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
57. Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
58. The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
59. Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn't submitted them to the site because he doesn't believe in any form of submission.
60. When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
61. Anything you can do Chuck Norris can do better.
62. Chuck Norris is like corn. No matter how much shit he is in, he still come out in one piece.
63. Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.
64. Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.
65. When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.
66. When Chuck Norris gets in a car crash the air bags do not save Chuck Norris, they save the car.
67. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked cancer so hard he gave it AIDS.
68. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
69. When asked why he round-house kicked an entire school of children Chuck Norris replies "I don't like Mondays." When informed that it was Tuesday he replied "I still don't like Mondays."
70. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
71. We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
72. Chuck Norris invented the internet so people could talk about how great Chuck Norris is.
73. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
74. Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
75. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
76. During a game of golf, Chuck Norris shot 2 holes in one, struck out 9 batters, passed for over 300 yards, recorded a hat trick, and broke the single lap speed record at Daytona Speedway.
77. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
78. Chuck Norris once killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff.
79. Chuck Norris doesn't see problems. Chuck Norris only sees victims.
80. Chuck Norris always has the right of way.
81. As a child, Chuck Norris played Hungry Hungry Hippos with real hippos.
82. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
83. To show its patriotism, the American flag recently got a tattoo of Chuck Norris.
84. Chuck Norris was once the F.B.I's chief negotiator. His job involved calling up criminals and saying, "This is Chuck Norris."
85. On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."
86. The only reason the Energizer Bunny keeps going and going is because it knows Chuck Norris is after it.
87. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
88. Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.
89. The fences at the zoo are to keep the animals safe from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
90. We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.
91. Chuck Norris once caught the common cold, then broke it's neck. 31 7.000
92. In order to speed up the wait time for death row inmates, Texas added death by roundhouse kicks to the list of acceptable methods of execution. The wait has gone down from 7 years to before you step out of the courthouse.
93. Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.
94. It is widely known that Houdini died when a kid punched him in the stomach. What isn't widely known is that kid was Chuck Norris.
95. Chuck Norris always gets blackjack. Even when he's playing poker.
Jeeves asks Chuck Norris.