Travicity
01-17-2011, 05:28 AM
Why Are These Ficticious Sports Not Real?!
Forget football, basektball and badminton - we want to play these oddball recreational activities.
15
BASEketball
The sport for guys who want to circumvent competing in actual sports.
When Coop and Remer are challenged by their former classmates to a game, they whip up the rules to a new game on the spot. A little baseketball, a little baseball a few vulgur insults - BASEketball. If only the real world had someone as passionate as Ernest Borgnine to help bring a National BASEketball League to fruition, maybe I could finally be happy.
14
The Game Grid - Tron Legacy
You'd think after witnessing the opression of programs on the game grid by the Master Control Program when he was first sucked into the computer in 1982 that Kevin Flynn would have forgone its creation in his new system. Alas, there it is, derezzing programs by the handful (but now looking more like an iPod).
Logic be damned, disc wars are still a fairly riveting experience, one we'd love to replicate in the real world. Get a few ISOs up in this joint and start building!
13
Dodgeball - Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
OK, so you play dodgeball in gym class and the occasional intramural college league, but I want more.
Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story banishes big league dodgeball to "The Quatro" a spoof on the zillion existing sports channels, but one destined for reality. So let's make it so. Let's recruit the guys who didn't make it to the pro football league and get them to start chucking nerf balls at each other.
12
FutureSport- FutureSport
I don't so much need a real life "FutureSport" (yes, the name of the actual sport includes the world "sport" in its title) as I do a athletic competition in which Dean Cain rides a hoverboard and hits basketballs with a hockey stick.
If we can somehow work FutureSport's bad guys, the Hawaiian Liberation Organization, into play, then I'd put cash down now for a season's worth of box seats.
11
Death Race - Death Race 2000
An actual Death Race might not be "moral," but as Ebenezer Scrooge would say, it would decrease the surplus population.
Contestants of Death Race score points during their coast-to-coast vehicular marathon by driving down mild-mannered pedestrians. It's everything I already imagine doing while driving, but real and with fewer tolls.
10
Quidditch - Harry Potter
We're getting closer with this one. The International Quidditch Association held their fourth annual Qudditch World Cup this year in New York City, which means a recognized league can't be too far off. Then again, few sports feature book worms dressed in Halloween costumes running around with brooms between their legs, throwing kickballs at each other. (At least not on basic cable.)
9
Podracing - Star Wars - Episode I: The Phantom Menace
George Lucas didn't get too much right in his CG-stifled prequel trilogy, but being vehement on finding a silver lining, it's hard to deny that Phantom Menace's podracing (and its subsequent video game tie-in) is pretty frickin' cool. It's the fastest thing to the Kessel Run Star Wars fans may ever experience.
So why not bring it to real life? We have the technology. OK, maybe we don't, but we do have the green screen for Lucas to go in and make us think we do. Even computer generated podracing would be more thrilling than NASCAR.
8
Rollerball - Rollerball
Rollerball took place in the near future where businesses control everything and the world has turned to bloody sport for enjoyment, a combination of roller derby, rodeo and cagematch.
Um, are we sure this doesn't already exist? Sounds like the sort of enterprise brewing up in Dubai for an Ameircan debut. Wouldn't want to deny the US population an opportunity to witness their fellow man dragged in circles by a motorcycle. They'll eat it up.
7
CGI Enhanced Crazy Soccer - Shaolin Soccer
If my 5th grade intramural soccer games involved gravity-defying jump kicks and goalie blocks that sent flames shooting every which may, maybe I wouldn't have been bored out my mind standing on the sidelines. OK, I was all scared sh*tless and fireball kicks wouldn't help, but the viewing experience would have been greatly improved.
The East - they're always so many innovative steps in front of us.
6
Jumpball - Starship Troopers
In Starship Troopers, the toughest high schoolers compete in Jumpball, a variation of rugby that takes altitude to new heights. Players' Tron-esque uniforms allow them to leap over opponents, making the game as much about scoring points as kicking dirt in your rivals faces by executing a sweet double flip.
Jumpball could really bring couples together. Football and ballet fans will both have something to look forward to.
5
Robot Boxing - Real Steel
Who was the party pooper that decided boxing was too dangerous for humans? That was a probably a smart move.
Besides, robot boxing gives scrawny, imaginative dudes like myself, a chance to "enter the ring" Rock'em Sock'em style and beat the pants off another cybernetic counterpart. Plus, the robot's don't have families that will be upset when he suffers from a terminal brain injury. Problems solved!
4
Whackbat - Fantastic Mr. Fox
If you're already baffled by Cricket, we may need to leave a real life version of Whackbat to the Brits. Not to say that American's can't handle the eccentricities of the game or the unique athleticism and elegant wit required to play it...OK, that is kind of what I'm saying.
3
"The Game" - The Blood of Heroes
Imagine a future where American Gladiator events are the crux of civilization. That's where humanity finds itself in The Blood of Heroes, a time where "Juggers" (not to be confused with Juggalos) compete in a game known as..."The Game." They're not very creative in the post-apocalyptic future.
"The Game" is like dog fighting with Juggers. The competitors roll around on the ground, trying to keep the ball in hand and fending off the other time. That simple.
If it sounds dull and mindless, remember, you love the show Wipeout.
2
Solarbabies
If you're going to raise children from birth to join your elite task force, the general public may as well watch and enjoy it.
In Solarbabies, the evil resource-mongering Eco Protectorate train kid warriors using an arena sport that's a mix of roller hockey, lacrosse and military camp. I mean, the game would be fine if it were just young persons scoopig up the ball and throwing it into a central hoop, but, as seems to be the case with all futuristic games, the inclusion of bloodshed never hurts the appeal.
1
The Condemned
The next obvious step in Steve Austin's career. Wrestling's so tame - why not set hulking madmen loose in a game reserve with incentive (i.e. a bomb strapped to their leg) to kill one another?
I'm not saying I want to watch people die on TV, but face it, you already spend hours of your day hunting down the weirdest, most shocking Youtube videos you can find - don't deny you wouldn't watch this game. That means you're a sicko.
Wow, who knew Stone Cold would be teaching us important moral lessons...
UGO
Forget football, basektball and badminton - we want to play these oddball recreational activities.
15
BASEketball
The sport for guys who want to circumvent competing in actual sports.
When Coop and Remer are challenged by their former classmates to a game, they whip up the rules to a new game on the spot. A little baseketball, a little baseball a few vulgur insults - BASEketball. If only the real world had someone as passionate as Ernest Borgnine to help bring a National BASEketball League to fruition, maybe I could finally be happy.
14
The Game Grid - Tron Legacy
You'd think after witnessing the opression of programs on the game grid by the Master Control Program when he was first sucked into the computer in 1982 that Kevin Flynn would have forgone its creation in his new system. Alas, there it is, derezzing programs by the handful (but now looking more like an iPod).
Logic be damned, disc wars are still a fairly riveting experience, one we'd love to replicate in the real world. Get a few ISOs up in this joint and start building!
13
Dodgeball - Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
OK, so you play dodgeball in gym class and the occasional intramural college league, but I want more.
Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story banishes big league dodgeball to "The Quatro" a spoof on the zillion existing sports channels, but one destined for reality. So let's make it so. Let's recruit the guys who didn't make it to the pro football league and get them to start chucking nerf balls at each other.
12
FutureSport- FutureSport
I don't so much need a real life "FutureSport" (yes, the name of the actual sport includes the world "sport" in its title) as I do a athletic competition in which Dean Cain rides a hoverboard and hits basketballs with a hockey stick.
If we can somehow work FutureSport's bad guys, the Hawaiian Liberation Organization, into play, then I'd put cash down now for a season's worth of box seats.
11
Death Race - Death Race 2000
An actual Death Race might not be "moral," but as Ebenezer Scrooge would say, it would decrease the surplus population.
Contestants of Death Race score points during their coast-to-coast vehicular marathon by driving down mild-mannered pedestrians. It's everything I already imagine doing while driving, but real and with fewer tolls.
10
Quidditch - Harry Potter
We're getting closer with this one. The International Quidditch Association held their fourth annual Qudditch World Cup this year in New York City, which means a recognized league can't be too far off. Then again, few sports feature book worms dressed in Halloween costumes running around with brooms between their legs, throwing kickballs at each other. (At least not on basic cable.)
9
Podracing - Star Wars - Episode I: The Phantom Menace
George Lucas didn't get too much right in his CG-stifled prequel trilogy, but being vehement on finding a silver lining, it's hard to deny that Phantom Menace's podracing (and its subsequent video game tie-in) is pretty frickin' cool. It's the fastest thing to the Kessel Run Star Wars fans may ever experience.
So why not bring it to real life? We have the technology. OK, maybe we don't, but we do have the green screen for Lucas to go in and make us think we do. Even computer generated podracing would be more thrilling than NASCAR.
8
Rollerball - Rollerball
Rollerball took place in the near future where businesses control everything and the world has turned to bloody sport for enjoyment, a combination of roller derby, rodeo and cagematch.
Um, are we sure this doesn't already exist? Sounds like the sort of enterprise brewing up in Dubai for an Ameircan debut. Wouldn't want to deny the US population an opportunity to witness their fellow man dragged in circles by a motorcycle. They'll eat it up.
7
CGI Enhanced Crazy Soccer - Shaolin Soccer
If my 5th grade intramural soccer games involved gravity-defying jump kicks and goalie blocks that sent flames shooting every which may, maybe I wouldn't have been bored out my mind standing on the sidelines. OK, I was all scared sh*tless and fireball kicks wouldn't help, but the viewing experience would have been greatly improved.
The East - they're always so many innovative steps in front of us.
6
Jumpball - Starship Troopers
In Starship Troopers, the toughest high schoolers compete in Jumpball, a variation of rugby that takes altitude to new heights. Players' Tron-esque uniforms allow them to leap over opponents, making the game as much about scoring points as kicking dirt in your rivals faces by executing a sweet double flip.
Jumpball could really bring couples together. Football and ballet fans will both have something to look forward to.
5
Robot Boxing - Real Steel
Who was the party pooper that decided boxing was too dangerous for humans? That was a probably a smart move.
Besides, robot boxing gives scrawny, imaginative dudes like myself, a chance to "enter the ring" Rock'em Sock'em style and beat the pants off another cybernetic counterpart. Plus, the robot's don't have families that will be upset when he suffers from a terminal brain injury. Problems solved!
4
Whackbat - Fantastic Mr. Fox
If you're already baffled by Cricket, we may need to leave a real life version of Whackbat to the Brits. Not to say that American's can't handle the eccentricities of the game or the unique athleticism and elegant wit required to play it...OK, that is kind of what I'm saying.
3
"The Game" - The Blood of Heroes
Imagine a future where American Gladiator events are the crux of civilization. That's where humanity finds itself in The Blood of Heroes, a time where "Juggers" (not to be confused with Juggalos) compete in a game known as..."The Game." They're not very creative in the post-apocalyptic future.
"The Game" is like dog fighting with Juggers. The competitors roll around on the ground, trying to keep the ball in hand and fending off the other time. That simple.
If it sounds dull and mindless, remember, you love the show Wipeout.
2
Solarbabies
If you're going to raise children from birth to join your elite task force, the general public may as well watch and enjoy it.
In Solarbabies, the evil resource-mongering Eco Protectorate train kid warriors using an arena sport that's a mix of roller hockey, lacrosse and military camp. I mean, the game would be fine if it were just young persons scoopig up the ball and throwing it into a central hoop, but, as seems to be the case with all futuristic games, the inclusion of bloodshed never hurts the appeal.
1
The Condemned
The next obvious step in Steve Austin's career. Wrestling's so tame - why not set hulking madmen loose in a game reserve with incentive (i.e. a bomb strapped to their leg) to kill one another?
I'm not saying I want to watch people die on TV, but face it, you already spend hours of your day hunting down the weirdest, most shocking Youtube videos you can find - don't deny you wouldn't watch this game. That means you're a sicko.
Wow, who knew Stone Cold would be teaching us important moral lessons...
UGO