Travicity
01-18-2011, 01:54 AM
The Most Incompetent Cults
Cults - they're everywhere! Some of them are out in the light, like Mormonism or Scientology, and some of them are creeping along in the dark. Here's eleven groups of chosen people who should have made other choices.
11
The Body
Most of these cults start off as a splinter group from some existing religion - they decide that the mainstream isn't holy enough for them and go their own way, folowing whatever kooky doctrine they believe is the One Truth.
For the Attleboro, MA sect called "The Body," that belief is that the world is abjectly corrupt and only founder Roland Robidoux holds the true knowledge. That means no schools, no churches, no doctors, and pretty much no going outside the ratty duplex that housed the cult.
It doesn't stop there - they're so bananas about modern life that they refuse to wear glasses, celebrate birthdays or take photographs. Their public shaming came in 2003 when Roubidoux's son Jacques denounced his wife Karen for being vain and insisted that she only feed her 1 year old son breast milk, despite the fact he was eating solid food. The baby died and the cult dissolved in the media firestorm that followed.
10
Heaven's Gate
I think we can expect to see more than a few suicide cults on this list - wiping out your entire congregation is a pretty incompetent move, no doubt.
Heaven's Gate is probably the most famous UFO cult ever, in no small part because of the grisly end its followers came from. Led by Marshall "Do" Applewhite, they believed that Earth was about to be "recycled," and anybody on the planet when it happened was in deep doo-doo. So, in March of 1997, Applewhite and thirty-eight followers committed suicide by overdosing on phenobarbitol mixed with pudding.
Applewhite's bizarre video messages are all that's left, and even though it doesn't seem like Earth has been recycled, at least the Heavens Gater's never had to hear Ke$ha.
9
Church Universal And Triumphant
Well, that's a pretty bold name. The Church Universal and Triumphant was founded by notorious New Age noodlenecks Mark and Elizabeth Prophet, and while their teachings haven't gotten anyone killed, they're also dumb enough to make any list of complete fails.
Most of their activities are pretty benign New Age nonsense - chakra healing and meditation and the like. They first made the news when they spent the 80s predicting that nuclear war would strike the Earth in 1990s. Obviously, that didn't happen, and a few years later they were busted by the ATF for hoarding illegal weapons.
Oh, and also: eat carrots (they're the "Food of the Masters"), but don't use tinfoil. It attracts malevolent extraterrestrials.
8
Ho No Hana
One common thread in a lot of cults is that their leaders claim to have supernatural powers of one sort or another. Some of these powers are pretty awesome - David Koresh claimed he could fly, for instance. And some... well, some are lame as hell.
Take the case of Hogen Fukunaga, the leader of Japanese cult Ho No Hana. Ol' Hogen claimed that he could tell the future and diagnose any medical problems... by touching your feet. Not only is this ridiculous, but it's also unsanitary! Fukunaga claimed to be the reincarnation of Jesus Christ and Buddha and charged $900 for one of his foot readings.
Of course, Hogen's shenanigans didn't escape the law and he was busted and made to pay back over a million dollars in foot-gotten gains.
7
Chen Tao
One other commonality in a lot of incompetent cults is hilariously failed predictions. They never predict stuff that's easy - it's always totally bananas. Take the case of Chen Tao, aka "The True Way." An organization created by Hong-Min Chen in Taiwan, they came to the world's attention in 1997 with an epic fail.
After moving to Garland, Texas in 1997, Chen trumpeted that on March 31, 1998, God would appear on Channel 18 of every television set in the world at 12:01 AM. Let's just say that the big G didn't show up - most areas don't even have a channel 18, and the ones that did were UHF stations signed off for the night.
Immediately after the failure, more than two thirds of the group quit. The remainder continued wearing their unique religious uniform of a white cowboy hat, and went on to predict that God would come to save them in his "God plane" from a nuclear war in 1999. Ah well - maybe the third time'll be the charm.
6
The Ant Hill Kids
You know, there's always a tradeoff in terms of what you get for being a member of a cult. Usually there's a sense of belonging, some security - you know, stuff that mentally weak people want out of life. But some of these cults are just so horrible you wonder why anybody would sign up.
Take The Ant Hill Kids, a bizarre Canadian group founded by Roch Theriault, a bearded monster of a man who demanded that all of his followers call him "Pappy." With nine wives, the Ant Hill was pretty good for Theriault but not so great for the three other men in the group. Roch claimed he was the reincarnation of Moses and could perform miracles.
Unfortunately for his followers, most of his "miracles" were demented acts of psychopathy, like trying to bring a woman back to life by sawing off the top of her head and jerking off into the brainhole. Unsurprisingly, he was tossed in jail for his crimes, but even while he was behind bars three of his wives gave him conjugal visits. Nice self-esteem, ladies.
5
Providence
You know, a lot of cults seem to be based around the principle that the leader needs more sex. Few pull that off as insanely as Providence, the group headed by Jung Myung-Seok. A South Korea-born prosletyzer, Myung-Seok took the general precepts of the Unification Church and twisted them in an interesting way.
The essential argument of Providence is simple: the Bible is wrong about being cleansed of original sin. You can't get into Heaven by asking God for forgiveness. You get in by... wait for it... having sex with Jung Myung-Seok. Naturally, this doesn't fly with most secular authorities, and Jung is currently spending fifteen years in the pokey for rape.
4
Remnant Fellowship
Most cults promise pretty basic things - usually, the salvation of your immortal soul. Some go a little farther - you can have your own planet, you can levitate, et cetera. But I only know of one cult that promises that you'll lose weight.
The Remnant Fellowship Church, created by diet guru Gwen Shamblin, tosses out the "eternal forgiveness" aspect of Protestantism. God hates the fat, ladies, and he's not gonna let you in through the narrow gates of heaven. The cult came to the media's attention in 2003 with the death of 8 year old Josef Smith, who was beaten with glue sticks and locked in a closet.
"Discipline" is a major part of Remnant teachings, and glue stick beating is a major part of that. I don't think that's in any Bible I've ever read.
3
Fellowship Of Friends
You can tell a lot about a cult by what famous figures from beyond the grave the founder claims to have talking to him. For Robert Earl Burton, the leader of the Fellowship Of Friends, it's a party - Benjamin Franklin! Abraham Lincoln! Plato! And you, too, can talk to them - what the cult calls "C Influence."
How? Well, you can let Burton put your penis in his mouth, as happened to former member Richard Laurel, who fled the group after being totally freaked by Burton's mouthlove. The Fellowship looks kind of stupid these days, as their prediction of nuclear war in 2006 (which they would not only survive, but rule the Earth afterwards) didn't quite pan out.
Apparently inside the cult's compound, one whole ceiling is covered with a giant painting of a dude with a boner. Members aren't allowed to use contractions in their speech - oops. And they make money by selling organic olive oil from trees on their giant ranch. So basically this is Old Anal-Retentive Gay Dude: The Cultening?
2
Raelians
The golden era of UFO cults was the 70s and 80s, before the Internet was around to connect all of ther tinfoil-hatted crazies together. However, a few continue ot soldier on, most notably the Raelians.
Founded in 1974, Raelians teach that we were created by aliens known as the Elohim and that they will come back during the Apocalypse to save us all. However, on the way there, we can sure do some bananas stuff. Like many cults, Raelianism is very good for the sexual life of founder Claude Vorilhon. A subgroup of women known as Rael's Angels exist to service his every need.
The cult had a brief flurry of attention in 2002 when Clonaid, an alleged biotech company founded by the Raelians, claimed they had created the first human clone - a woman known as Eve. Charging as much as $200,000 for cloning services, not a single provable child has been seen, let alone tested. It is a mystery!
1
Nuwaubianism
Most cults are, to be perfectly honest, white folks business. Who knows why? Maybe we don't have enough real problems. But Nuwaubianism proves that there's no racial barrier to having a crazy-ass religion.
Founded by Dwight D. York in the '70s as a Black Muslim group, it has steadily added bizarre beliefs over the ages, including: We are all concieved as twins, but the other twin turns into the placenta and you have to bury it so Satan doesn't make a clone of the child. Some aborted fetuses survive and are forming a massive army in the sewers. And Nikola Tesla was from Venus.
It's a huge, hilarious, incoherent mess, and York isn't preaching much of it anymore as he's in prison for 150 years on counts of inappropriately touching children under his care.
UGO
Cults - they're everywhere! Some of them are out in the light, like Mormonism or Scientology, and some of them are creeping along in the dark. Here's eleven groups of chosen people who should have made other choices.
11
The Body
Most of these cults start off as a splinter group from some existing religion - they decide that the mainstream isn't holy enough for them and go their own way, folowing whatever kooky doctrine they believe is the One Truth.
For the Attleboro, MA sect called "The Body," that belief is that the world is abjectly corrupt and only founder Roland Robidoux holds the true knowledge. That means no schools, no churches, no doctors, and pretty much no going outside the ratty duplex that housed the cult.
It doesn't stop there - they're so bananas about modern life that they refuse to wear glasses, celebrate birthdays or take photographs. Their public shaming came in 2003 when Roubidoux's son Jacques denounced his wife Karen for being vain and insisted that she only feed her 1 year old son breast milk, despite the fact he was eating solid food. The baby died and the cult dissolved in the media firestorm that followed.
10
Heaven's Gate
I think we can expect to see more than a few suicide cults on this list - wiping out your entire congregation is a pretty incompetent move, no doubt.
Heaven's Gate is probably the most famous UFO cult ever, in no small part because of the grisly end its followers came from. Led by Marshall "Do" Applewhite, they believed that Earth was about to be "recycled," and anybody on the planet when it happened was in deep doo-doo. So, in March of 1997, Applewhite and thirty-eight followers committed suicide by overdosing on phenobarbitol mixed with pudding.
Applewhite's bizarre video messages are all that's left, and even though it doesn't seem like Earth has been recycled, at least the Heavens Gater's never had to hear Ke$ha.
9
Church Universal And Triumphant
Well, that's a pretty bold name. The Church Universal and Triumphant was founded by notorious New Age noodlenecks Mark and Elizabeth Prophet, and while their teachings haven't gotten anyone killed, they're also dumb enough to make any list of complete fails.
Most of their activities are pretty benign New Age nonsense - chakra healing and meditation and the like. They first made the news when they spent the 80s predicting that nuclear war would strike the Earth in 1990s. Obviously, that didn't happen, and a few years later they were busted by the ATF for hoarding illegal weapons.
Oh, and also: eat carrots (they're the "Food of the Masters"), but don't use tinfoil. It attracts malevolent extraterrestrials.
8
Ho No Hana
One common thread in a lot of cults is that their leaders claim to have supernatural powers of one sort or another. Some of these powers are pretty awesome - David Koresh claimed he could fly, for instance. And some... well, some are lame as hell.
Take the case of Hogen Fukunaga, the leader of Japanese cult Ho No Hana. Ol' Hogen claimed that he could tell the future and diagnose any medical problems... by touching your feet. Not only is this ridiculous, but it's also unsanitary! Fukunaga claimed to be the reincarnation of Jesus Christ and Buddha and charged $900 for one of his foot readings.
Of course, Hogen's shenanigans didn't escape the law and he was busted and made to pay back over a million dollars in foot-gotten gains.
7
Chen Tao
One other commonality in a lot of incompetent cults is hilariously failed predictions. They never predict stuff that's easy - it's always totally bananas. Take the case of Chen Tao, aka "The True Way." An organization created by Hong-Min Chen in Taiwan, they came to the world's attention in 1997 with an epic fail.
After moving to Garland, Texas in 1997, Chen trumpeted that on March 31, 1998, God would appear on Channel 18 of every television set in the world at 12:01 AM. Let's just say that the big G didn't show up - most areas don't even have a channel 18, and the ones that did were UHF stations signed off for the night.
Immediately after the failure, more than two thirds of the group quit. The remainder continued wearing their unique religious uniform of a white cowboy hat, and went on to predict that God would come to save them in his "God plane" from a nuclear war in 1999. Ah well - maybe the third time'll be the charm.
6
The Ant Hill Kids
You know, there's always a tradeoff in terms of what you get for being a member of a cult. Usually there's a sense of belonging, some security - you know, stuff that mentally weak people want out of life. But some of these cults are just so horrible you wonder why anybody would sign up.
Take The Ant Hill Kids, a bizarre Canadian group founded by Roch Theriault, a bearded monster of a man who demanded that all of his followers call him "Pappy." With nine wives, the Ant Hill was pretty good for Theriault but not so great for the three other men in the group. Roch claimed he was the reincarnation of Moses and could perform miracles.
Unfortunately for his followers, most of his "miracles" were demented acts of psychopathy, like trying to bring a woman back to life by sawing off the top of her head and jerking off into the brainhole. Unsurprisingly, he was tossed in jail for his crimes, but even while he was behind bars three of his wives gave him conjugal visits. Nice self-esteem, ladies.
5
Providence
You know, a lot of cults seem to be based around the principle that the leader needs more sex. Few pull that off as insanely as Providence, the group headed by Jung Myung-Seok. A South Korea-born prosletyzer, Myung-Seok took the general precepts of the Unification Church and twisted them in an interesting way.
The essential argument of Providence is simple: the Bible is wrong about being cleansed of original sin. You can't get into Heaven by asking God for forgiveness. You get in by... wait for it... having sex with Jung Myung-Seok. Naturally, this doesn't fly with most secular authorities, and Jung is currently spending fifteen years in the pokey for rape.
4
Remnant Fellowship
Most cults promise pretty basic things - usually, the salvation of your immortal soul. Some go a little farther - you can have your own planet, you can levitate, et cetera. But I only know of one cult that promises that you'll lose weight.
The Remnant Fellowship Church, created by diet guru Gwen Shamblin, tosses out the "eternal forgiveness" aspect of Protestantism. God hates the fat, ladies, and he's not gonna let you in through the narrow gates of heaven. The cult came to the media's attention in 2003 with the death of 8 year old Josef Smith, who was beaten with glue sticks and locked in a closet.
"Discipline" is a major part of Remnant teachings, and glue stick beating is a major part of that. I don't think that's in any Bible I've ever read.
3
Fellowship Of Friends
You can tell a lot about a cult by what famous figures from beyond the grave the founder claims to have talking to him. For Robert Earl Burton, the leader of the Fellowship Of Friends, it's a party - Benjamin Franklin! Abraham Lincoln! Plato! And you, too, can talk to them - what the cult calls "C Influence."
How? Well, you can let Burton put your penis in his mouth, as happened to former member Richard Laurel, who fled the group after being totally freaked by Burton's mouthlove. The Fellowship looks kind of stupid these days, as their prediction of nuclear war in 2006 (which they would not only survive, but rule the Earth afterwards) didn't quite pan out.
Apparently inside the cult's compound, one whole ceiling is covered with a giant painting of a dude with a boner. Members aren't allowed to use contractions in their speech - oops. And they make money by selling organic olive oil from trees on their giant ranch. So basically this is Old Anal-Retentive Gay Dude: The Cultening?
2
Raelians
The golden era of UFO cults was the 70s and 80s, before the Internet was around to connect all of ther tinfoil-hatted crazies together. However, a few continue ot soldier on, most notably the Raelians.
Founded in 1974, Raelians teach that we were created by aliens known as the Elohim and that they will come back during the Apocalypse to save us all. However, on the way there, we can sure do some bananas stuff. Like many cults, Raelianism is very good for the sexual life of founder Claude Vorilhon. A subgroup of women known as Rael's Angels exist to service his every need.
The cult had a brief flurry of attention in 2002 when Clonaid, an alleged biotech company founded by the Raelians, claimed they had created the first human clone - a woman known as Eve. Charging as much as $200,000 for cloning services, not a single provable child has been seen, let alone tested. It is a mystery!
1
Nuwaubianism
Most cults are, to be perfectly honest, white folks business. Who knows why? Maybe we don't have enough real problems. But Nuwaubianism proves that there's no racial barrier to having a crazy-ass religion.
Founded by Dwight D. York in the '70s as a Black Muslim group, it has steadily added bizarre beliefs over the ages, including: We are all concieved as twins, but the other twin turns into the placenta and you have to bury it so Satan doesn't make a clone of the child. Some aborted fetuses survive and are forming a massive army in the sewers. And Nikola Tesla was from Venus.
It's a huge, hilarious, incoherent mess, and York isn't preaching much of it anymore as he's in prison for 150 years on counts of inappropriately touching children under his care.
UGO