Travicity
01-26-2011, 10:06 PM
He or She? The Most Androgynous Video Game Characters
The Rocky Horror Show for the Commodore 64 isn’t the only game to feature confusingly sexy androgynous characters.24
Nights
Oh, excuse me, I see that your name is actually “NiGHTS.” My mistake. “NiGHTS,” a genderless Sega character that you may know from shitty Sonic n’ Friends games, starred in the actually decent Nights into Dreams for the Sega Saturn. Other information you need to determine NiGHTS’ gender: he plays an invisible flute and sprinkles a substance called “Twinkle Dust” as he flies around the dream realm.
25
Link
There’s a reason why Zelda, though she has proven herself to be fully battle-competent, never leaves Ganon without Link first coming to her rescue: she’s desperate for a real man, even if that means an evil pig-man. Think about it: if you just saw Link without knowing anything about the character, daintily whispering a tune on his ocarina, wouldn’t you think he’s a medium-hot chick? Especially in the Philips CD-I games, where he and Zelda look like Sweet Valley High twins.
24
Nights
Oh, excuse me, I see that your name is actually “NiGHTS.” My mistake. “NiGHTS,” a genderless Sega character that you may know from shitty Sonic n’ Friends games, starred in the actually decent Nights into Dreams for the Sega Saturn. Other information you need to determine NiGHTS’ gender: he plays an invisible flute and sprinkles a substance called “Twinkle Dust” as he flies around the dream realm.
23
Birdo
Though Birdo is actually known as Catherine in Japan, his gender isn’t entirely clear. In the original Super Mario Bros. 2 manual, Birdo is defined as a man who would rather be a girl named Birdetta. Nintendo omitted the reference from further releases of SMB2, and later took great strides to confirm Birdo’s female gender, going so far as to make him Yoshi’s girlfriend. Did Birdo get that sex change he wanted? Did Nintendo shy away from Birdo’s true nature after getting some conservative backlash? I don’t know, but whatever it is, I’m not going to pretend I’m not attracted to it.
22
Leo Kliesen (Tekken 6)
At first glance, Leo is clearly a dude...and yet, is that a bit of bosom bulge? Leo’s gender is never identified in Tekken 6, which instead refers to the character in tricky non-gender specific language. Those soft lips look distinctively feminine, and those are women’s jeans, but then again, Leo is wearing fingerless leather gloves, and men are wearing lady jeans nowadays anyway. Only the hidden Iron Fist locker room cameras know for sure.
21
Bridget (Guilty Gear series)
Oh, who’s that sexy nun with the skirt up to there? Well, you aren’t going to like what “there” refers to. Bridget is actually a dude, having been raised as a girl by his parents. He doesn’t do too much to combat the image, either, fighting with weapons like a yo-yo and an oversized teddy bear. The Catholic church is either going to really hate this, or really love this.
20
King (Art of Fighting/King of Fighters series)
King, who claims she dresses like this in order to hide her femininity from her muay thai opponents, certainly didn’t have to pick that name to do it. Also, the last time I saw a dude in a pearl earring Errol Flynn was sailing the six known seas in search of Pleasure Island. King is shown to be reading the works of Gertrude Stein at one point, and you can’t tell me that has the least bit to do with disguising herself as a man. But then again, I have seen a picture of Gertrude Stein, so who knows.
19
Jack (Mass Effect 2)
I was only playing Mass Effect 2 for about ten minutes when this leather-strapped ex-con wanted to have punch sex with me. Slow down, buddy! Punch sex is for the third space date. Then I realized Jack is actually a female, and I was a little less threatened, then a lot more threatened.
18
Lord Vivec the Poet (Elder Scrolls III)
If you were an immortal god-king, would you not grant yourself a breast reduction? Lord Vivec the Poet, one of the three god-kings of Morrowind, is packing pecs of Khan dimensions—which doesn’t help your cause when you are already a hairless green levitator with elf ears. Also, his weapon is shooting stars.
17
Zelos Wilder (Tales of Symphonia)
For this part, I picked a random male character from a Japanese game. It worked out pretty fine. Despite being referred to in-game as “Gigolo” and “Casanova,” the only action Zelos is going to get is from a near-sighted, extremely chaste lesbian. Zelos’s androgyny takes on a mystical quality in the real world, as every single picture of Zelos cosplayers on the internet are of persons of indiscriminate gender.
16
Ash Crimson (King of Fighters series)
Now this one had to be done on purpose. I mean, this looks like a sexy goth schoolgirl, right? Like anybody could have made that mistake. The dude is wearing a headband and a Snooki bump-it under his bob hairstyle. Maybe the Japanese are trying to bring down America while they distract us with questions about our sexuality.
15
Kirby
No man can pull off red cheeks like this. If it didn’t work for Robin Williams in Toys, it is certainly not going to work for a cooing pink orb who inhales everything in sight. Supposedly, Kirby had a female love interest in Kirby 64: The Crystal Shards, but we really can’t trust the gender of a similarly rosy-cheeked fairy named Ribbon.
14
Jess (Advance Wars series)
We won’t ask if you don’t tell, girlfriend. This ladybro, whose male leanings could not be more obviously conveyed than with this extremely phallic rocket she apparently hauls around with her, rocks a man’s military uniform and a crew cut. She is shown in other series material with a bit more feminine, colicky mullet.
13
Flea (Chrono series)
Wow, cool, Flea, it’s the guy from Red Hot Chili Peppers? Wrong, it’s a cross-dressing upstairs post-op who doesn’t reveal his true gender until late in the game, after which it very well might be too late. You might want to have a Brillo scrub bath after he sex-hypnotizes Crono into attacking the other two party members.
12
Raiden (Metal Gear series)
Everybody loves to hate Raiden, effeminate star of Metal Gear Solid 2 and MGS4’s most incredible cyborg ninja. He will be a protagonist for the second time in the upcoming Metal Gear Solid: Rising, which, unfortunately, I feel deep in my bones is going to be Kinect and Move-based.
11
Calintz (Magna Carta series)
Calintz’s gender ambiguity is so severe that the experienced swordsman requires assless chaps underneath his form-fitting feather cape. I’ve gotta hand it to the weak-chinned captain of the Tears of Blood, though: he doesn’t trip once in those sky-high espadrilles.
10
Endrance (.hack series)
Endrance is known in-game as “The Temptress,” not “The Temptor,” so you’re forgiven for drooling over those gorgeous 42-inch gams. The sword-wielding character (they all have to wield swords, don’t they?) wears a rose-covered cap and snug purple armor, and calls his weapon “Princess Blade.” He also becomes possessed by some sort of computer kitten ghost, which I could explain to you in greater depth if I gave a shit about these games.
9
Vega (Street Fighter series)
Vega always appears shirtless, as if he got tired of the questions. The Spanish dance-fighter with the beautiful braid wears the mask not to conceal his identity, but to prevent his face from being scarred during battle: he considers himself just that beautiful. Also in evidence: flowing red sash, purple snake tattoo, and the clamdigger/knee-high combo.
8
Alucard (Castlevania series)
Alucard is simply the most popular of dozens of ambiguous Castlevania characters, and the only non-pirate male in Europe who owns a pair of heeled knee-high boots. You can’t blame the guy for expressing his gender confusion in lace-lined overcoats (of which he is wearing no less than four at a time) and multiple non-functioning, decorative buckles: his mother was killed after being accused of witchcraft, and all he had for a fashion role-model was his father, Dracula.
7
Aphrodi (Inazuma Eleven Series)
Japanese soccer RPG series Inazuma Eleven, made by Level-5 (best known stateside for the Professor Layton games), features a character named Aphrodi (short for Aphrodite, the goddess of love). Aphrodi is officially a male, unbeknownst to the people who make the drawings that I keep SafeSearch on to avoid. Wow, yes, you can believe it, it is a boy with a girl’s name who also looks like a girl and is from a Japanese game, believe it or don’t.
6
Rhyme (The World Ends With You)
Squeenix flips the script with excellent DS RPG The World Ends With You, giving us a character you’d think, based on years of prior experience, is an effeminate young blonde boy. Surprisingly, though, it actually is an actual female wearing boy’s clothes. In the Japanese version of the game Rhyme, though established as a female, refers to herself with a pronoun typically reserved for boys—so figure that one out.
5
Wallace (Pokemon series)
There are plenty of gender-ambiguous Pokemans, but I would be remiss if I failed to mention good ol’ Wallace from back in the GBA days. Wallace specializes in water Pokemon and lilac opera trappings. He is extremely emotional and known to “prefer Pokemon of grace.” He is also in the best-named episode of the Diamond & Pearl anime series, “Pruning a Passel of Pals!” God bless the Japanese.
4
Culian (WarTech: Senko no Ronde)
This is what happens when the Japanese outlaw pornography. This, and incredibly sophisticated sex robots that look like chloroformed teenage girls. Culian, who is a fifteen year old boy, wears flowers in his hair, bares his milky midriff, and dresses up like kittens and cheerleaders. Also, he is an android, so cheers to whoever built this iron love outlet instead of raping ten million children.
3
Fyer and Falbi (The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess)
Ladies, you know how you bring that one ugly friend to the clubs to make yourself look scorching by comparison? Nintendo is applying the same concept here in order to make Link look like less of a, oh, how should I put this, cousin of Tingle. Fyer and Falbi are the proprietors of Fyer and Falbi’s Watertop Land of Fantastication in Lake Hylia. Ex-circus performers, the pair make their living by charging Rupees for the Human Cannonball Ride and something called Flight-by-Fowl, both of which invariably leave their patrons with syphilis and significantly lowered self-esteem.
2
Hope Estheim (Final Fantasy XIII)
This article was originally called "250 Androgynous Final Fantasy Characters," but my editors were afraid it would crash our servers. Hope Estheim was entry 194. He is a playable character in Final Fantasy XIII who blames Snow for the loss of his mother and then they probably make out at her grave while thirteen doves are released into the air. I don’t know; I never finished it.
1
Zhang He (Dynasty Warriors/Romance of the Three Kingdoms series)
Zhang He is based on a historical figure, but in none of the original Qing Dynasty illustrations have I seen him decked out in heels. You have Koei to thank for that as well as the butterfly detail on his hips and hairpiece, the smoking eye makeup, and the color-changing chiffon half-skirt. He harnesses all that girl power well, especially with in-game taunts like “I will dazzle the battlefield with my exquisite dance!” and “Out of my way! I have no use of a man of your...persuasion.”
UGO
The Rocky Horror Show for the Commodore 64 isn’t the only game to feature confusingly sexy androgynous characters.24
Nights
Oh, excuse me, I see that your name is actually “NiGHTS.” My mistake. “NiGHTS,” a genderless Sega character that you may know from shitty Sonic n’ Friends games, starred in the actually decent Nights into Dreams for the Sega Saturn. Other information you need to determine NiGHTS’ gender: he plays an invisible flute and sprinkles a substance called “Twinkle Dust” as he flies around the dream realm.
25
Link
There’s a reason why Zelda, though she has proven herself to be fully battle-competent, never leaves Ganon without Link first coming to her rescue: she’s desperate for a real man, even if that means an evil pig-man. Think about it: if you just saw Link without knowing anything about the character, daintily whispering a tune on his ocarina, wouldn’t you think he’s a medium-hot chick? Especially in the Philips CD-I games, where he and Zelda look like Sweet Valley High twins.
24
Nights
Oh, excuse me, I see that your name is actually “NiGHTS.” My mistake. “NiGHTS,” a genderless Sega character that you may know from shitty Sonic n’ Friends games, starred in the actually decent Nights into Dreams for the Sega Saturn. Other information you need to determine NiGHTS’ gender: he plays an invisible flute and sprinkles a substance called “Twinkle Dust” as he flies around the dream realm.
23
Birdo
Though Birdo is actually known as Catherine in Japan, his gender isn’t entirely clear. In the original Super Mario Bros. 2 manual, Birdo is defined as a man who would rather be a girl named Birdetta. Nintendo omitted the reference from further releases of SMB2, and later took great strides to confirm Birdo’s female gender, going so far as to make him Yoshi’s girlfriend. Did Birdo get that sex change he wanted? Did Nintendo shy away from Birdo’s true nature after getting some conservative backlash? I don’t know, but whatever it is, I’m not going to pretend I’m not attracted to it.
22
Leo Kliesen (Tekken 6)
At first glance, Leo is clearly a dude...and yet, is that a bit of bosom bulge? Leo’s gender is never identified in Tekken 6, which instead refers to the character in tricky non-gender specific language. Those soft lips look distinctively feminine, and those are women’s jeans, but then again, Leo is wearing fingerless leather gloves, and men are wearing lady jeans nowadays anyway. Only the hidden Iron Fist locker room cameras know for sure.
21
Bridget (Guilty Gear series)
Oh, who’s that sexy nun with the skirt up to there? Well, you aren’t going to like what “there” refers to. Bridget is actually a dude, having been raised as a girl by his parents. He doesn’t do too much to combat the image, either, fighting with weapons like a yo-yo and an oversized teddy bear. The Catholic church is either going to really hate this, or really love this.
20
King (Art of Fighting/King of Fighters series)
King, who claims she dresses like this in order to hide her femininity from her muay thai opponents, certainly didn’t have to pick that name to do it. Also, the last time I saw a dude in a pearl earring Errol Flynn was sailing the six known seas in search of Pleasure Island. King is shown to be reading the works of Gertrude Stein at one point, and you can’t tell me that has the least bit to do with disguising herself as a man. But then again, I have seen a picture of Gertrude Stein, so who knows.
19
Jack (Mass Effect 2)
I was only playing Mass Effect 2 for about ten minutes when this leather-strapped ex-con wanted to have punch sex with me. Slow down, buddy! Punch sex is for the third space date. Then I realized Jack is actually a female, and I was a little less threatened, then a lot more threatened.
18
Lord Vivec the Poet (Elder Scrolls III)
If you were an immortal god-king, would you not grant yourself a breast reduction? Lord Vivec the Poet, one of the three god-kings of Morrowind, is packing pecs of Khan dimensions—which doesn’t help your cause when you are already a hairless green levitator with elf ears. Also, his weapon is shooting stars.
17
Zelos Wilder (Tales of Symphonia)
For this part, I picked a random male character from a Japanese game. It worked out pretty fine. Despite being referred to in-game as “Gigolo” and “Casanova,” the only action Zelos is going to get is from a near-sighted, extremely chaste lesbian. Zelos’s androgyny takes on a mystical quality in the real world, as every single picture of Zelos cosplayers on the internet are of persons of indiscriminate gender.
16
Ash Crimson (King of Fighters series)
Now this one had to be done on purpose. I mean, this looks like a sexy goth schoolgirl, right? Like anybody could have made that mistake. The dude is wearing a headband and a Snooki bump-it under his bob hairstyle. Maybe the Japanese are trying to bring down America while they distract us with questions about our sexuality.
15
Kirby
No man can pull off red cheeks like this. If it didn’t work for Robin Williams in Toys, it is certainly not going to work for a cooing pink orb who inhales everything in sight. Supposedly, Kirby had a female love interest in Kirby 64: The Crystal Shards, but we really can’t trust the gender of a similarly rosy-cheeked fairy named Ribbon.
14
Jess (Advance Wars series)
We won’t ask if you don’t tell, girlfriend. This ladybro, whose male leanings could not be more obviously conveyed than with this extremely phallic rocket she apparently hauls around with her, rocks a man’s military uniform and a crew cut. She is shown in other series material with a bit more feminine, colicky mullet.
13
Flea (Chrono series)
Wow, cool, Flea, it’s the guy from Red Hot Chili Peppers? Wrong, it’s a cross-dressing upstairs post-op who doesn’t reveal his true gender until late in the game, after which it very well might be too late. You might want to have a Brillo scrub bath after he sex-hypnotizes Crono into attacking the other two party members.
12
Raiden (Metal Gear series)
Everybody loves to hate Raiden, effeminate star of Metal Gear Solid 2 and MGS4’s most incredible cyborg ninja. He will be a protagonist for the second time in the upcoming Metal Gear Solid: Rising, which, unfortunately, I feel deep in my bones is going to be Kinect and Move-based.
11
Calintz (Magna Carta series)
Calintz’s gender ambiguity is so severe that the experienced swordsman requires assless chaps underneath his form-fitting feather cape. I’ve gotta hand it to the weak-chinned captain of the Tears of Blood, though: he doesn’t trip once in those sky-high espadrilles.
10
Endrance (.hack series)
Endrance is known in-game as “The Temptress,” not “The Temptor,” so you’re forgiven for drooling over those gorgeous 42-inch gams. The sword-wielding character (they all have to wield swords, don’t they?) wears a rose-covered cap and snug purple armor, and calls his weapon “Princess Blade.” He also becomes possessed by some sort of computer kitten ghost, which I could explain to you in greater depth if I gave a shit about these games.
9
Vega (Street Fighter series)
Vega always appears shirtless, as if he got tired of the questions. The Spanish dance-fighter with the beautiful braid wears the mask not to conceal his identity, but to prevent his face from being scarred during battle: he considers himself just that beautiful. Also in evidence: flowing red sash, purple snake tattoo, and the clamdigger/knee-high combo.
8
Alucard (Castlevania series)
Alucard is simply the most popular of dozens of ambiguous Castlevania characters, and the only non-pirate male in Europe who owns a pair of heeled knee-high boots. You can’t blame the guy for expressing his gender confusion in lace-lined overcoats (of which he is wearing no less than four at a time) and multiple non-functioning, decorative buckles: his mother was killed after being accused of witchcraft, and all he had for a fashion role-model was his father, Dracula.
7
Aphrodi (Inazuma Eleven Series)
Japanese soccer RPG series Inazuma Eleven, made by Level-5 (best known stateside for the Professor Layton games), features a character named Aphrodi (short for Aphrodite, the goddess of love). Aphrodi is officially a male, unbeknownst to the people who make the drawings that I keep SafeSearch on to avoid. Wow, yes, you can believe it, it is a boy with a girl’s name who also looks like a girl and is from a Japanese game, believe it or don’t.
6
Rhyme (The World Ends With You)
Squeenix flips the script with excellent DS RPG The World Ends With You, giving us a character you’d think, based on years of prior experience, is an effeminate young blonde boy. Surprisingly, though, it actually is an actual female wearing boy’s clothes. In the Japanese version of the game Rhyme, though established as a female, refers to herself with a pronoun typically reserved for boys—so figure that one out.
5
Wallace (Pokemon series)
There are plenty of gender-ambiguous Pokemans, but I would be remiss if I failed to mention good ol’ Wallace from back in the GBA days. Wallace specializes in water Pokemon and lilac opera trappings. He is extremely emotional and known to “prefer Pokemon of grace.” He is also in the best-named episode of the Diamond & Pearl anime series, “Pruning a Passel of Pals!” God bless the Japanese.
4
Culian (WarTech: Senko no Ronde)
This is what happens when the Japanese outlaw pornography. This, and incredibly sophisticated sex robots that look like chloroformed teenage girls. Culian, who is a fifteen year old boy, wears flowers in his hair, bares his milky midriff, and dresses up like kittens and cheerleaders. Also, he is an android, so cheers to whoever built this iron love outlet instead of raping ten million children.
3
Fyer and Falbi (The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess)
Ladies, you know how you bring that one ugly friend to the clubs to make yourself look scorching by comparison? Nintendo is applying the same concept here in order to make Link look like less of a, oh, how should I put this, cousin of Tingle. Fyer and Falbi are the proprietors of Fyer and Falbi’s Watertop Land of Fantastication in Lake Hylia. Ex-circus performers, the pair make their living by charging Rupees for the Human Cannonball Ride and something called Flight-by-Fowl, both of which invariably leave their patrons with syphilis and significantly lowered self-esteem.
2
Hope Estheim (Final Fantasy XIII)
This article was originally called "250 Androgynous Final Fantasy Characters," but my editors were afraid it would crash our servers. Hope Estheim was entry 194. He is a playable character in Final Fantasy XIII who blames Snow for the loss of his mother and then they probably make out at her grave while thirteen doves are released into the air. I don’t know; I never finished it.
1
Zhang He (Dynasty Warriors/Romance of the Three Kingdoms series)
Zhang He is based on a historical figure, but in none of the original Qing Dynasty illustrations have I seen him decked out in heels. You have Koei to thank for that as well as the butterfly detail on his hips and hairpiece, the smoking eye makeup, and the color-changing chiffon half-skirt. He harnesses all that girl power well, especially with in-game taunts like “I will dazzle the battlefield with my exquisite dance!” and “Out of my way! I have no use of a man of your...persuasion.”
UGO