Travicity
03-09-2011, 11:29 PM
Movie Diseases That Will Wreck Your Ass
Almost any horror movie disease is ten times worse than that nasty case of gonorrhea you had once. Trust us, when microbes come out to play, they play dirty -- generally by eating your skin. Here are 11 of the best movie illnesses ever to infect the big screen.
11
The Rage Virus - 28 Days Later
Don't call the flesh-eating folk of 28 Days Later "zombies." They're infected. With Rage.
A drop of blood (or any bodily fluid, really) from a Rage victim will cause a normal primate to transform from happy-go-lucky to blile-spewing and spasming in under 20 seconds. The infected don't make it very long -- they'll eventually attack a unharmed person, either being killed in the process or die of starvation during the hunt. The worst part: your insurance does not cover the Rage virus.
10
The Vampire Flu - Daybreakers
By 2019, the Earth has been ravaged by a disease that has turned the world's population into vampires. Really, if by then you weren't sporting fangs and drinking packets of synthesized blood, you were kind of a dork.
But a brave (read: dorky) few strove to reverse the disease, eventually realizing that a vampire bite plus a vampire bite equals no vampirism! Thank God for childhood logic. Now go get your cootie shot.
9
Pointy Mutant Disease - Splinter
If John Carpenter's Thing had been a disease instead of an alien lifeform, the murderous chaos probably would have gone done similarly to Splinter.
Starting in the body of a flattened piece of roadkill and quickly spreading to the attendents and attendees of a gas station, the Splinter disease causes sharp spikes to protrude from the victims appendages. As you can imagine, it's hard to survive long with giant pointy objects piercing through the skin, but for the survivors, it does keep the budget for coat racks down.
8
Flesh-Eating Virus - Cabin Fever
Nothing ruins a booze-filled, sex-driven trip to a cabin in the woods like a flesh-eating virus. After an infected hermit infiltrates the vacation home of five horny college students, the students begin to learn why you always boil your water when you're in the middle of nowhere. The water, as it so happens in Eli Roth's crazed horror flick, is not good, and turns one lady's legs into a pile of mush. Thankfully, this does not inhibit her ability to do keg stands.
7
The Bloody Skin Epidemic - Carriers
A couple that becomes infected by a ravenous virus together, sticks together. Mostly because their skin has turned viscous enough to physically meld together.
While on road trip to a supposed safe haven, brothers Danny and Brian, Danny's friend Kate and Brian's girlfriend Bobby run in to a family of disease carriers who couldn't be less helpful. They don't have a magical serum, they talk a lot, they infect Bobby with the disease...seriously, real party poopers. Unfortunately, Brian still can't resist making out with his girl and both become doomed to succumb to the virus. They're actually lucky -- they got to die their way out of the film early.
6
Andromeda - The Andromeda Strain
One word: plastics. Alien microbes love'em like they love growing inside your perfectly pH-balanced bloodstream.
The cinematic adaptation of Michael Crichton's book The Andromeda Strain doesn't stray too far from its source material. For awhile it all makes perfect, scientific sense until Crichton throws a curveball and sh*t hits the fan. Can a virus sh*t?
5
The Krippen Virus - I Am Legend
Science is a persnickety approach to treating the sick. Yes, yes, modern medicine blah blah blah. But as I Am Legend teaches us, a potential cure for cancer can quickly become a variant of the measles and turn the world population into rotting, killer versions of Powder.
Will Smith's Dr. Neville is the only remaining survivor in Manhattan, spending his days searching for a cure. This time, he's avoiding any vials with "cancer" in the name.
4
No See Good - Blindness
The "No See Good" disease from Blindness strikes from out of nowhere and no one seems to have a scientific explanation for its cause. That makes it scarier and, more importantly, metaphorical. When groups of blind people shack up in medical centers, a bright few realize it's up to them to take charge and lead their sightless brethren into the future of darkness. First order of business: throw poo at one another.
3
Demonic Posession Disease - [REC]
If you weren't drinking the water in Spain before watching [REC], you won't be afterward.
A news reporter and her cameraman stumble upon an apartment building filled with sick and seemingly demonic residents. Turns out, they all caught a nasty cold, which increases their necessity to hide in shadows and growl like rapid dogs. Arf!
2
T-Virus - Resident Evil
For four films (going on a fifth), Alice and a goulash of teammates, who come and go as they die and miraculously un-die, battle the evil Umbrella Corporation and their non-sensical zombie-making disease, the T-Virus. Not to be confused with a T-cell, a fundamental part of your survival, the T-virus' properties evolve as the producers of the Resident Evil films slowly run out of ideas. Does it make you a zombie? Yes. Can it make you a super-zombie? Yes. Does it taste great in Coke? Absolutely.
1
Motaba - Outbreak
Tthe first incident of "Motaba," a deadly, blood-hemorrahging fever, popped up in Zaire and was quickly and quietly brushed under the rug. But a microscopic virus can only be hidden so long.
Outbreak may be the most scientifically accurate medical dramas in movie history, but that doesn't make it any less exciting or terrifying. Per usual, the virus is resuscitated by an infected monkey smuggled into the US. When it escapes and bites a human, the virus starts its deadly warpath. Only one actor has enough charisma and box office pull to stop it: Dustin Hoffman.
UGO
Almost any horror movie disease is ten times worse than that nasty case of gonorrhea you had once. Trust us, when microbes come out to play, they play dirty -- generally by eating your skin. Here are 11 of the best movie illnesses ever to infect the big screen.
11
The Rage Virus - 28 Days Later
Don't call the flesh-eating folk of 28 Days Later "zombies." They're infected. With Rage.
A drop of blood (or any bodily fluid, really) from a Rage victim will cause a normal primate to transform from happy-go-lucky to blile-spewing and spasming in under 20 seconds. The infected don't make it very long -- they'll eventually attack a unharmed person, either being killed in the process or die of starvation during the hunt. The worst part: your insurance does not cover the Rage virus.
10
The Vampire Flu - Daybreakers
By 2019, the Earth has been ravaged by a disease that has turned the world's population into vampires. Really, if by then you weren't sporting fangs and drinking packets of synthesized blood, you were kind of a dork.
But a brave (read: dorky) few strove to reverse the disease, eventually realizing that a vampire bite plus a vampire bite equals no vampirism! Thank God for childhood logic. Now go get your cootie shot.
9
Pointy Mutant Disease - Splinter
If John Carpenter's Thing had been a disease instead of an alien lifeform, the murderous chaos probably would have gone done similarly to Splinter.
Starting in the body of a flattened piece of roadkill and quickly spreading to the attendents and attendees of a gas station, the Splinter disease causes sharp spikes to protrude from the victims appendages. As you can imagine, it's hard to survive long with giant pointy objects piercing through the skin, but for the survivors, it does keep the budget for coat racks down.
8
Flesh-Eating Virus - Cabin Fever
Nothing ruins a booze-filled, sex-driven trip to a cabin in the woods like a flesh-eating virus. After an infected hermit infiltrates the vacation home of five horny college students, the students begin to learn why you always boil your water when you're in the middle of nowhere. The water, as it so happens in Eli Roth's crazed horror flick, is not good, and turns one lady's legs into a pile of mush. Thankfully, this does not inhibit her ability to do keg stands.
7
The Bloody Skin Epidemic - Carriers
A couple that becomes infected by a ravenous virus together, sticks together. Mostly because their skin has turned viscous enough to physically meld together.
While on road trip to a supposed safe haven, brothers Danny and Brian, Danny's friend Kate and Brian's girlfriend Bobby run in to a family of disease carriers who couldn't be less helpful. They don't have a magical serum, they talk a lot, they infect Bobby with the disease...seriously, real party poopers. Unfortunately, Brian still can't resist making out with his girl and both become doomed to succumb to the virus. They're actually lucky -- they got to die their way out of the film early.
6
Andromeda - The Andromeda Strain
One word: plastics. Alien microbes love'em like they love growing inside your perfectly pH-balanced bloodstream.
The cinematic adaptation of Michael Crichton's book The Andromeda Strain doesn't stray too far from its source material. For awhile it all makes perfect, scientific sense until Crichton throws a curveball and sh*t hits the fan. Can a virus sh*t?
5
The Krippen Virus - I Am Legend
Science is a persnickety approach to treating the sick. Yes, yes, modern medicine blah blah blah. But as I Am Legend teaches us, a potential cure for cancer can quickly become a variant of the measles and turn the world population into rotting, killer versions of Powder.
Will Smith's Dr. Neville is the only remaining survivor in Manhattan, spending his days searching for a cure. This time, he's avoiding any vials with "cancer" in the name.
4
No See Good - Blindness
The "No See Good" disease from Blindness strikes from out of nowhere and no one seems to have a scientific explanation for its cause. That makes it scarier and, more importantly, metaphorical. When groups of blind people shack up in medical centers, a bright few realize it's up to them to take charge and lead their sightless brethren into the future of darkness. First order of business: throw poo at one another.
3
Demonic Posession Disease - [REC]
If you weren't drinking the water in Spain before watching [REC], you won't be afterward.
A news reporter and her cameraman stumble upon an apartment building filled with sick and seemingly demonic residents. Turns out, they all caught a nasty cold, which increases their necessity to hide in shadows and growl like rapid dogs. Arf!
2
T-Virus - Resident Evil
For four films (going on a fifth), Alice and a goulash of teammates, who come and go as they die and miraculously un-die, battle the evil Umbrella Corporation and their non-sensical zombie-making disease, the T-Virus. Not to be confused with a T-cell, a fundamental part of your survival, the T-virus' properties evolve as the producers of the Resident Evil films slowly run out of ideas. Does it make you a zombie? Yes. Can it make you a super-zombie? Yes. Does it taste great in Coke? Absolutely.
1
Motaba - Outbreak
Tthe first incident of "Motaba," a deadly, blood-hemorrahging fever, popped up in Zaire and was quickly and quietly brushed under the rug. But a microscopic virus can only be hidden so long.
Outbreak may be the most scientifically accurate medical dramas in movie history, but that doesn't make it any less exciting or terrifying. Per usual, the virus is resuscitated by an infected monkey smuggled into the US. When it escapes and bites a human, the virus starts its deadly warpath. Only one actor has enough charisma and box office pull to stop it: Dustin Hoffman.
UGO