Travicity
03-10-2011, 11:09 PM
What Are the Most Ridiculous Phobias?
Being scared of snakes or heights is so played out. It's time to get down with some truly demented phobias that terrorize real human beings.
Arachibutyrophobia
Kids love peanut butter, right? I mean, unless they're deathly allergic to peanuts, which is an actual OK thing to be afraid of. But then there's arachibutyrophobia - the overwhelming fear of having peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth. This is actually a real, diagnosed phobia, seen in medical literature. I don't think there's anybody out there who actually likes having peanut butter stuck to the roof of their mouth, but arachibutyrophobics often suffer from the delusion that their tongue is going to become permanently stuck to the peeb and they'll suffocate.
Emetophobia
Nobody really likes to puke - well, maybe Natalie Portman in Black Swan - but most of us don't make a phobia out of it. Sufferers of emetophobia have the uncontrollable fear of throwing up, even when they don't feel sick. Some hardcore sufferers tote puke buckets around with them on the off chance that a vomiting might occur while they're doing their taxes, watching Hawaii 5-O or playing Farmville. There are a few variants - some people can't stand seeing other people vomit, some are just afraid of vomiting in public, and some can't get within 50 feet of Amy Winehouse.
Eisoptrophobia
This next phobia is debilitating for anybody but vampires - eisoptrophobia is the irrational fear of seeing your reflection. Sufferers often feel a sense of disassociation and extreme discomfort when seeing themself in a mirror or a video recording - the sight of their own body moving in a different way trips some bizarre existential trapdoor. One unusual famous sufferer of this phobia is former Baywatch babe Pamela Anderson, more proof that God has a bizarre sense of humor.
Alektorophobia
The animal kingdom has a number of creatures that it's very reasonable to be afraid of - nobody's going to call you a wacko because you have a phobia of sharks, for instance. But alektorophobics might have a little more explaining to do to get their man card back. This phobia is the fear of chickens - those cackling fowl that comprise a major part of the American diet. The mere sight of a chicken is enough to make a hardcore alektorophobic pee his JNCOs. It's not yet certain if modern psychology has developed a phobia of "mechanically separated chicken."
Tristadekaphobia
Please note: we here at UGO do not endorse the methods of Maury Povich, who is not a doctor, in dealing with phobias. For example, his sending this poor woman with tristadekaphobia (fear of pickles) to a pickle factory is cruel and unusual pickle punishment. I used to drink pickle juice right out of the jar, which basically makes me the Antichrist. This is actually not that rare a phobia, which is kind of ridiculous.
Chrometophobia
A lot of these phobias are what would fall under the category of "first world problems," mental disorders created by obsessively sparking brains with not enough to do. Take chrometophobia - the fear of money. I don't think there's a single human being in the entirety of North Korea who suffers from this one, and yet multiple reports of it cropped up through the United States in the last few decades. Some theorize it's related to an obsessive-compulsive fear of germs carried on the bills, as sufferers can use credit cards just fine, but nobody knows for sure. If you are afflicted with this, please email me and I will provide you with a P.O. box where you can mail that nasty cash.
Anablephobia
There aren't many sensible explanations for anablephobia - the fear of looking upwards. Whether it be at the ceiling, the sky, or somebody taller than you, anablephobia is a weirdly common disorder that affects numerous people. For some sufferers, it only happens outside - if they're not in the open air, they can look up just fine. Others can never tilt their field of vision at all, which can be very debilitating. The treatment, obviously, is to shoot all anablephobics into deep space, where the concept of "up" has no meaning. That's my treatment for a lot of things, actually.
Botanophobia
We're going to go back to the land of celebrities for this one - did you know that Christina Ricci, the former Wednesday Addams turned weird-looking olive on a toothpick, suffers from botanophobia? Yes indeed, the actress is deathly afraid of houseplants, going so far as to be unable to even touch one lest she be reduced to a quivering pile of jelly. Ricci's excuse for not liking them is "they're dirty," but come on, girl, you got chained to a radiator in Black Snake Moan, you're no neat freak.
Ligyrophobia
This one actually strikes pretty close to home, as my wife suffers from ligyrophobia. Commonly referred to as fear of balloons, phobics are agitated by the mere presence of the inflatable orbs, no matter what size or shape. For my wife, it's the irrational belief that it might pop at any minute and scare her, which doesn't make a lot of sense, because how scared can you be of something if you know it's coming? I'm almost tempted to get her on Maury so she can get the shock treatment seen in this video.
Coulrophobia
I'm going to be frank here - I don't see anything all that weird about coulrophobia. For the laymen, that's fear of clowns. There's something deeply unsettling about clowns, even if you disregard the multiple killer clowns from stuff like It and the boy-murdering career of John Wayne Gacy. I think it's because, as a species, we instinctively distrust false emotions - somebody with a fake happy face could be hiding anything, whether it be innocent alcoholism or something a little darker. This one is totally OK by me.
Phobophobia
Let's get all meta with this last one, shall we - phobophobia is defined by mental health professionals as the "fear of fear." What this means, aside from being an awesome tagline for a Saw ripoff, is that sufferers experience anxiety and other symptoms when the idea of fear comes into their lives. This can often be sparked by other phobias, sending the poor dumbasses into a never-ending spiral of misery that could swallow their whole lives. Sucks to be you!
UGO
Being scared of snakes or heights is so played out. It's time to get down with some truly demented phobias that terrorize real human beings.
Arachibutyrophobia
Kids love peanut butter, right? I mean, unless they're deathly allergic to peanuts, which is an actual OK thing to be afraid of. But then there's arachibutyrophobia - the overwhelming fear of having peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth. This is actually a real, diagnosed phobia, seen in medical literature. I don't think there's anybody out there who actually likes having peanut butter stuck to the roof of their mouth, but arachibutyrophobics often suffer from the delusion that their tongue is going to become permanently stuck to the peeb and they'll suffocate.
Emetophobia
Nobody really likes to puke - well, maybe Natalie Portman in Black Swan - but most of us don't make a phobia out of it. Sufferers of emetophobia have the uncontrollable fear of throwing up, even when they don't feel sick. Some hardcore sufferers tote puke buckets around with them on the off chance that a vomiting might occur while they're doing their taxes, watching Hawaii 5-O or playing Farmville. There are a few variants - some people can't stand seeing other people vomit, some are just afraid of vomiting in public, and some can't get within 50 feet of Amy Winehouse.
Eisoptrophobia
This next phobia is debilitating for anybody but vampires - eisoptrophobia is the irrational fear of seeing your reflection. Sufferers often feel a sense of disassociation and extreme discomfort when seeing themself in a mirror or a video recording - the sight of their own body moving in a different way trips some bizarre existential trapdoor. One unusual famous sufferer of this phobia is former Baywatch babe Pamela Anderson, more proof that God has a bizarre sense of humor.
Alektorophobia
The animal kingdom has a number of creatures that it's very reasonable to be afraid of - nobody's going to call you a wacko because you have a phobia of sharks, for instance. But alektorophobics might have a little more explaining to do to get their man card back. This phobia is the fear of chickens - those cackling fowl that comprise a major part of the American diet. The mere sight of a chicken is enough to make a hardcore alektorophobic pee his JNCOs. It's not yet certain if modern psychology has developed a phobia of "mechanically separated chicken."
Tristadekaphobia
Please note: we here at UGO do not endorse the methods of Maury Povich, who is not a doctor, in dealing with phobias. For example, his sending this poor woman with tristadekaphobia (fear of pickles) to a pickle factory is cruel and unusual pickle punishment. I used to drink pickle juice right out of the jar, which basically makes me the Antichrist. This is actually not that rare a phobia, which is kind of ridiculous.
Chrometophobia
A lot of these phobias are what would fall under the category of "first world problems," mental disorders created by obsessively sparking brains with not enough to do. Take chrometophobia - the fear of money. I don't think there's a single human being in the entirety of North Korea who suffers from this one, and yet multiple reports of it cropped up through the United States in the last few decades. Some theorize it's related to an obsessive-compulsive fear of germs carried on the bills, as sufferers can use credit cards just fine, but nobody knows for sure. If you are afflicted with this, please email me and I will provide you with a P.O. box where you can mail that nasty cash.
Anablephobia
There aren't many sensible explanations for anablephobia - the fear of looking upwards. Whether it be at the ceiling, the sky, or somebody taller than you, anablephobia is a weirdly common disorder that affects numerous people. For some sufferers, it only happens outside - if they're not in the open air, they can look up just fine. Others can never tilt their field of vision at all, which can be very debilitating. The treatment, obviously, is to shoot all anablephobics into deep space, where the concept of "up" has no meaning. That's my treatment for a lot of things, actually.
Botanophobia
We're going to go back to the land of celebrities for this one - did you know that Christina Ricci, the former Wednesday Addams turned weird-looking olive on a toothpick, suffers from botanophobia? Yes indeed, the actress is deathly afraid of houseplants, going so far as to be unable to even touch one lest she be reduced to a quivering pile of jelly. Ricci's excuse for not liking them is "they're dirty," but come on, girl, you got chained to a radiator in Black Snake Moan, you're no neat freak.
Ligyrophobia
This one actually strikes pretty close to home, as my wife suffers from ligyrophobia. Commonly referred to as fear of balloons, phobics are agitated by the mere presence of the inflatable orbs, no matter what size or shape. For my wife, it's the irrational belief that it might pop at any minute and scare her, which doesn't make a lot of sense, because how scared can you be of something if you know it's coming? I'm almost tempted to get her on Maury so she can get the shock treatment seen in this video.
Coulrophobia
I'm going to be frank here - I don't see anything all that weird about coulrophobia. For the laymen, that's fear of clowns. There's something deeply unsettling about clowns, even if you disregard the multiple killer clowns from stuff like It and the boy-murdering career of John Wayne Gacy. I think it's because, as a species, we instinctively distrust false emotions - somebody with a fake happy face could be hiding anything, whether it be innocent alcoholism or something a little darker. This one is totally OK by me.
Phobophobia
Let's get all meta with this last one, shall we - phobophobia is defined by mental health professionals as the "fear of fear." What this means, aside from being an awesome tagline for a Saw ripoff, is that sufferers experience anxiety and other symptoms when the idea of fear comes into their lives. This can often be sparked by other phobias, sending the poor dumbasses into a never-ending spiral of misery that could swallow their whole lives. Sucks to be you!
UGO