OMEN
03-10-2006, 01:31 PM
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DYING TO AVOID THE CENSUS: A nurse attempts to warm up Laird McGillicuddy Graeme Cairns after 12 hours of cryogenic freezing in a chilly bid to dodge responsibility for filling out his census forms.
Praise be, Hamilton's Laird McGillicuddy has come back from the dead.
A sniffly Laird McGillicuddy Graeme Cairns was today recuperating at home after surviving 12 hours of cryogenic freezing in a chilly bid to dodge responsibility for filling out his census forms.
The good Laird was yesterday declared "legally dead" at 11.55am by his medical entourage of Dr Freeze, Dr Snakes, Dr Beere, Dr Weeds and Dr Qualified, who mixed the science of cryogenics with the dark arts of shamanism in Garden Place.
But today the Laird was back in the land of the living and preparing to tackle the legal debate over the finer points of his census-dodging experiences, which could yet land him a $500 fine.
His "death" was the best free show in town yesterday - capable of entertaining even a bored touring rugby player - and drew lots of laughter as well as a query of "is this true?" from one uncertain woman.
"It's happening before your very eyes," reassured Dr Qualified, a graduate of the University of Scott Base. "So it must be.
"We have frozen him to minus 175C, or any other number you care to name. He's out cold, as it were. We don't understand all that legal stuff, we just freeze him."
Dr Freeze's pulse reading confirmed Laird Cairns' temporary "dead" status after tests for breath, eye movement, aural stimulation, pain, and even Johnnie Walker whisky appreciation all failed.
"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped," he said.
The frozen Laird duly flat-lined on an electro-cardiograph and attempts to defibrillate him with a couple of old irons also failed.
Dr Qualified said cryogenics was a highly complicated procedure, but couldn't help but note credulity is at an all-time high in Hamilton. "Hands up who knows how science works?" he challenged, to blank audience stares. "Yes, you people will believe anyone."
Dr Qualified argued the cryogenic process could lead to an explosion of a future cannibalism industry, in much the same way as frozen shipping allowed sheep farming to take off.
While one inhabitant flat-lined, more than 120,000 people had gone on-line by yesterday to complete their census forms on the internet.
Collection of the hand-written forms starts today.
http://stuff.co.nz/inl/images/masthead/waik.gif
DYING TO AVOID THE CENSUS: A nurse attempts to warm up Laird McGillicuddy Graeme Cairns after 12 hours of cryogenic freezing in a chilly bid to dodge responsibility for filling out his census forms.
Praise be, Hamilton's Laird McGillicuddy has come back from the dead.
A sniffly Laird McGillicuddy Graeme Cairns was today recuperating at home after surviving 12 hours of cryogenic freezing in a chilly bid to dodge responsibility for filling out his census forms.
The good Laird was yesterday declared "legally dead" at 11.55am by his medical entourage of Dr Freeze, Dr Snakes, Dr Beere, Dr Weeds and Dr Qualified, who mixed the science of cryogenics with the dark arts of shamanism in Garden Place.
But today the Laird was back in the land of the living and preparing to tackle the legal debate over the finer points of his census-dodging experiences, which could yet land him a $500 fine.
His "death" was the best free show in town yesterday - capable of entertaining even a bored touring rugby player - and drew lots of laughter as well as a query of "is this true?" from one uncertain woman.
"It's happening before your very eyes," reassured Dr Qualified, a graduate of the University of Scott Base. "So it must be.
"We have frozen him to minus 175C, or any other number you care to name. He's out cold, as it were. We don't understand all that legal stuff, we just freeze him."
Dr Freeze's pulse reading confirmed Laird Cairns' temporary "dead" status after tests for breath, eye movement, aural stimulation, pain, and even Johnnie Walker whisky appreciation all failed.
"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped," he said.
The frozen Laird duly flat-lined on an electro-cardiograph and attempts to defibrillate him with a couple of old irons also failed.
Dr Qualified said cryogenics was a highly complicated procedure, but couldn't help but note credulity is at an all-time high in Hamilton. "Hands up who knows how science works?" he challenged, to blank audience stares. "Yes, you people will believe anyone."
Dr Qualified argued the cryogenic process could lead to an explosion of a future cannibalism industry, in much the same way as frozen shipping allowed sheep farming to take off.
While one inhabitant flat-lined, more than 120,000 people had gone on-line by yesterday to complete their census forms on the internet.
Collection of the hand-written forms starts today.
http://stuff.co.nz/inl/images/masthead/waik.gif