No Arms And No Legs Jokes

What happened when the man with no arms tried to masturbate?
He was stumped.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a gully?
Rocky

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a field of marijuana?
Bud

What do you call an electrician with no arms and no legs?
Sparky

What do you call a plumber with no arms and no legs?
Wet

What do you call a cat with no legs?
Dogfood

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter. He won't come when you call him anyway.

What do you call two guys with no arms or legs hanging over your window?
Curt n' Rod

What was the name of the limbless guy that fell in the fire?
Bernie

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs burried 6 feet under?
Doug

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs burried 3 feet under?
Douglas

What do you call a man with no arms, no legs and no torso?
Dick

What do you call a legless and armless boy on a baseball team?
First base

What was the name of the limbless guy that was boiled by cannibals?
Stu

What was the name of the limbless girl who was stuck on a femce?
Barb

What was the name of the limbless guy that worked at the soda plant?
Tab

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs that sits on top of a podium?
Mike

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs under your car?
Jack

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?
Art

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of your door?
Matt

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your mail box?
Bill

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs water-skiing?
Skip

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs rolling around on the beach?
Sandy

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hole in the ground?
Phil

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs trying to hold-up a bank?
Rob

What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other, married to a politician?
Tipper

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs on a dirt road?
Dusty

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who left a smudge on your floor?
Mark

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs that just fell out of a boat?
Bob

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs flying over a fence?
Homer

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on a grill?
Frank

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs sitting on a grill?
Patty

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting in a pile of leaves?
Russell

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, whereupon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my damn ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"

A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun. All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed have you?"

The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends down and plants a good one right on the mouth.

A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up. "You look like you need a hug," she says.

He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one, and walks away.

A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops, a sultry smile on her face and looks down at him.

"Mister," she says, "Have you ever been screwed?"

"No," he says with a hopeful grin.

"Well, you are now. The tide's coming in."

Joe goes to pick up his blind date at her house and when he gets there he finds out she has no arms and no legs. He's a good sport, so he picks her up, puts her in his car, and takes her to a movie. When the movie's over, he picks her up again and puts her back in the car.

She says, "Do you have any rope in the car?"

He says, "Rope? Why yes, I have some rope."

She says, "Do you know that big old oak with the real low limb down the dark corner of the park?"

Joe says, "Yeah."

She says, "Why don't you take us there?"

When they get there, she has Joe get out the rope, undress her, and then she gives him explicit instructions how to use the rope to suspend her from the limb. And then, they proceed to have the wildest sex that Joe has ever had. When they're done, Joe drives her home, carries her inside, and puts her on the living room couch.

As he's leaving, her father grabs him by the arm and says, "Here, son," and goes to hand Joe a hundred dollars.

Joe says, "I can't take that, sir."

Her father says, "Please, son, take the money."

Joe says, "I can't, sir. You see ... I had sex with your daughter."

Her father says, "Of course you did. But at least you didn't leave her hanging from that damn tree!"

A man was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank. He thought to himself, 'life isn't so bad after all', and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life. "Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"I am not dancing," the armless man replied bitterly. "My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!"

LMAO, thanks for these.

Lol, never heard jokes like this before. Thanks