(Note: this column isn’t meant to be taken seriously. If you have a bug up your ass, and the pain persists, feel free to hit the back button on your browser. I’m here to help.)
Ever since WCW and ECW went belly-up in 2001, Vince McMahon has had to look elsewhere fresh meat to pad out his roster with.
Generally speaking, McMahon has spent the last decade bringing in wrestlers that would appear to be beefcake and fitness models, but are, apparently, wrestlers. Some of them turned out to be headliners (John Cena, Randy Orton, Batista), some find themselves on the cusp of stardom (John Morrison, Dolph Ziggler, Bobby Lashley) and a number of them fared well in the upper mid card at some point (Rene Dupree, Chris Masters, Ezekiel Jackson).
Now, just about everyone on this list came into WWE’s developmental territory with, at most, basic ring skills and not much else. WWE has seen fit to hire someone on appearance alone, and just teach them to be a wrestler later.
Can you imagine if an NBA team just brought somebody in because they were really tall, and then figured “We’ll just teach them how to play basketball later?” How could a team succeed with that kind of outlook?
(Not that it hasn’t happened. NBA fans may remember Gheorge Muresan, the 7’7” goliath who had all the mobility of Mario Batali riding on a unicycle)
But WWE does this anyway, and it seems like 5% of those called up become true main eventers, 70% are serviceable midcarders who don’t really offend one way or the other….
But the other 25% suck something fierce.
Sometimes Vince just takes someone who’s over 6’5 and runs with them. Or maybe somebody in developmental REMINDS him of a past superstar (which explains so many Samoans getting called up). Or, in the case of women, he puts them on TV simply because they’re hot, and while that’s not a bad reason, watching some of them wrestle is akin to watching a game of billiards between two drunks wearing blindfolds.
However, WWE is savvy when it comes to marketing. Between their production staff, creative staff, and skilled work of their commentators (read: Jim Ross when he was there), the company has done a fine job of building up a number of poor workers as credible talents.
Until they get into the ring, that is. At that point, if they can’t work a good match, not even Jim Ross’ verbalisms and a well written storyline can save them.
Case in point: Orlando Jordan. Orlando came into WWE in 2003 and was gone within three years. During that time frame, he had exactly zero good matches (not even Chris Benoit could drag him to one) and was a liability inside the ring.
However, I was always delighted when he came through the curtain, and that was because of his song. No doubt, during his last year in the company, Jordan had one of the catchiest theme songs up to that point, and it was worth seeing him make his entrance just to hear it, though it also meant having to watch him “wrestle” immediately afterwards.
And thus, I have created the Orlando Jordan All-Star Team: wrestlers with no real ability who got considerable pushes for no reason, but you didn’t mind them showing up, if only to hear their song.
Now, to qualify for this team, you must meet several criterions:
A) You must never have had a great match in your entire WWE tenure. This excludes guys like Chris Masters (once carried by Shawn Michaels to an excellent one at Unforgiven 2005), JBL (stole the show a few times with John Cena and Eddie Guerrero), and Legacy (Their matches with DX in 2009 should have made them main eventers, but for some reason it just never materialized). In other words, if you’ve been in ANY great match, carried or not, at least you’ve shown a high ceiling.
B) Your theme song must be both made by WWE (no stock themes; because it takes no effort to just “choose” a premade song for someone) and it must be a rather elaborately done song (this bails out Gene Snitsky and Tomko, who merely had generic rock songs that were probably done on Jim Johnston’s ProTools program in about five minutes, as he was hurrying to take a smoke break.)
C) The crowd reaction must be underwhelming, compared to the push they receive. At least the fans chanted along with Cryme Tyme, even if they never had great matches. “Money money, yeah yeah” was good enough to disqualify them.
So in other words: no great matches in sight, elaborately made theme song, and yet they got some kind of push.
And now, without further ado, let’s meet YOUR Orlando Jordan All-Stars!
Planet Stasiak (2002)
Theme song: “Beamish” (no lyrics, but what sounds like Black Sabbath in outer space; a hard rock piece with various electronic, scientific sounds to drive home his weird “man from outer space” gimmick)
Why inducted: Stasiak had a great look, and Vince seemed eager to push a man who is the son of a former WWWF Champion (Stan Stasiak, who only Vince remembers). Stasiak cut his promos wearing sunglasses, talking as if he were the love child of Jack Nicholson and Max Headroom. After jobbing to Brock Lesnar and William Regal in short order, Stasiak was axed.
Three Minute Warning (2002)
Theme song: “3 Minutes” by 2 Skinnie J’s (a forceful rap that has a sped up harmony similiar to ‘Gangsta’s Paradise’, and includes the line “wandering like Jews”, thus making them Moses’ favorite tag team)
Why inducted: Vince loves fat Samoans. I don’t mean to speak ill of the dead (Jamal of the tag team was Umaga, for those who didn’t know), but 3MW came before either man had found their true calling. Rosey hadn’t yet become the superhero sidekick of the decade, and Jamal had yet to find Armando (HA-HAAAA) Alejandro Estrada. In violent sneak attacks, the duo thrived, but in the ring, they were as clumsy as Lindsay Lohan after a DUI stop. But that theme? Definitely catchy.
Sean O’Haire (2003)
Theme song: “Come On” by Waterproof Blonde (an eerie goth metal song, sort of like Evanesence meets L7, which became a highly sought-after download in 2003)
Why inducted: What could have been. O’Haire was primed for big things with a “devil’s advocate” gimmick (and had some of the best vignettes in WWE history to promote the character), but for as much as the smarts ate it up, he didn’t resonate much with any other fanbase. After becoming Roddy Piper’s lackey, as well as having a crap match with Rikishi on PPV, it was clear that O’Haire was dogging it, and wasn’t worth such a bad ass role. In recent years, if he’s not getting arrested for assault, he’s losing MMA fights in under a minute.
Zach Gowen (2003)
Theme song: “Out of My Way” by Seether (Imagine Seether doing Kurt Angle’s WWE theme, but with inspirational lyrics)
Why inducted: It actually WAS supposed to be used for Angle in 2002 (and was a late cut from the Forceable Entry album), but for some reason, the idea was scrapped, and Angle kept the “YOU SUCK” standard. One-legged Gowen ended up with the song in 2003, but instead of fans buying into him as an underdog, soundly rejected him as an unrealistic threat. Gowen would be gone by year’s end, robbing us of one of the best forgotten themes.
Mordecai (2004)
Theme song: Unknown title (a mystical, violin-laden instrumental, perfect for Halloween parties and coffee shop readings of Agatha Christie)
Why inducted: Mordecai got a ton of hype leading into his spring 2004 debut, wherein he played a religious zealot out to cast away sinners from WWE. A feud with Undertaker was ruined, but Mordecai’s sloth-ish approach (one he would continue to use a few years later as Kevin Thorn) made him an early goner. The entrance was really elaborate and grand, and far too good for a man of his skill level. As for casting sinners away from WWE, he predated the Wellness Policy by a year and a half. So he was something of a pioneer.
Heidenreich (2004)
Theme song: “Dangerous Politics” by Jim Johnston (Marching metal with Paul Heyman reciting “HEI-DEN-REICH” at looped intervals, making it sound like a poor man’s Rammstein tune)
Why inducted: It was SUCH a cool song. Problem is, Heidenreich couldn’t have a good match to save his life, and after staggering through a feud with Undertaker (looking amateurish all the while), he became an unlikely babyface, reading poetry and making friends with little kids. Would you let your kids be friends with someone who looks like an overgrown Hitler Youth, and has the theme song to match?
Orlando Jordan (2005)
Theme song: “Do it Big” by Silkk the Shocker (Before he laid down MVP’s theme for us, Silkk recorded a song about money and success that fit OJ’s “Chief of Staff” gimmick)
Why inducted: The patron saint for whom the team is named, and the reasons have already been given. On Smackdown vs. Raw 2006, “Do it Big” was my theme, even though I’m a white guy with Dolph Ziggler’s hairstyle. Don’t worry, I gave myself a “fade” on the game. Gotta make it look SOMEWHAT realistic, you know.
Mark Henry (2006)
Theme song: “Somebodies Gonna Get It” by Three 6 Mafia (His current theme, and chances are you’ve heard it)
Why inducted: Mark Henry: 14 years, no matches worth writing home over. Three 6 Mafia: Actually won an Oscar for “Hustle and Flow”. The Caucasian equivalent is getting Led Zeppelin to do a theme song for the Brooklyn Brawler.
Chuck Palumbo (2007)
Theme song: “You Will Remember Me” by Jim Johnston (a hard-driving, screaming metal track that sounds like it came right off the soundtrack of Sons of Anarchy)
Why inducted: Palumbo got a big push upon his 2007 return as a free-spirited biker, and was even given Michelle McCool as eye candy, but since both of them are as vanilla as extract, the push fizzled, and Palumbo turned heel in a rather bad storyline where he tried to run Jamie Noble over. (Sidenote: I just realized that three members of WCW’s Natural Born Thrillers are on here! Stasiak, O’Haire, and Palumbo! Man, no wonder Vince was gunshy about pushing Turner alumni….)
Ashley Massaro (2007)
Theme song: “Light a Fire” by Nuts in a Blender (A hardcore punk-rock love song that sounds cheesy, but at least the harmony is wicked)
Why inducted: ANY song is wasted on someone as brittle and useless as Ashley, including that crap that Audioslave coughed up. (“BEEEEEEEEEEEEE YOURRRRRSEEEEEEELFFFF!” Good, now it’s stuck in YOUR head, too.)
Vladimir Kozlov (2008)
Theme song: “Pain” by Jim Johnston (A song that answers the question: what if Rammstein was Russian?)
Why inducted: Despite making me want to play Street Fighter II as Zangief, the song was bestowed upon a boring heel whose arsenal consists of waistlocks, headbutts, stalling, headbutts in waistlocks, and stalling headbutts. Your monster heel of the future! Because nothing’s scarier than Lance Storm being hit by a gamma ray and losing all of his workrate in the process. Still, though, the song makes me want to kick some capitalist ass.
Drew McIntyre (2010)
Theme song: “Broken Dreams” by Shaman’s Harvest (A melancholy, bleak, and callous threat put to song, about just ending someone. The line “You never hear the shot that takes you down” is gold.)
Why inducted: Drew has yet to back up the ‘Vince Mc-man crush’ that the boss has, and if the rest of his matches are as methodical as they have been, he’ll never get past his bad stigma. The song was more fitting of a heel Randy Orton, or even a heel Triple H from a decade ago. I may not like Hunter, but he’s at least proven to not be a cardboard cutout. Drew’s yet to convince me.
And there you have it! 12 great songs made by/for WWE, and 12 sets of performers who underwhelm in the shadow of said themes. This should really be an album: “WWE The Music: Awesome Theme Songs that Precede Lousy Matches”
Until next time….
Justin Henry
