The Madscotsman's jokes prt 5
A Scottish camera crew are on the serengetti plains, filming the lions for another documentary. All of a suden the male lion starts roaring in their direction, they keep filming. The lion roars at them agin, and walk towards them. One of the guys take of his boots and puts on a pair of Nike running shoes. The other guys says: You'll never out run a lion in them things. He replies fuck the lion as long as I out run you I'm ok.
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A young boy walks up to his father and with that eternally curios look on his face asks: Dad where to babies come from? The father thinks for a second, whishing the boys mother was here and replies. The stork, son. They come from the stork.
The boy nods and turns to walk away but he turns back and asks. dad, who fucks the Stork?
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a guy is sitting in a bar when he notices a brunette sitting at the other end of the bar. He Finishes his drink and walk over to her before offering her a drink. She replies ‘ Will you go a away please I’m a lesbian’ He says ‘ Look love I don’t care what you’ve got, I just want to buy you a drink’ She looks at him curiously and asks ‘ Do you see that girl sitting over there? The one with the long black hair?’ ‘yes’ he replies ‘well I’d like to strip her naked and lick ice-cream from her pussy’ she replies. He looks stunned. ‘ Fuckin hell’ he says. ‘Are you shocked?’ she asks. ‘Fuckin right I am, I think I’m a lesbian as well!’
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What happened when Jesus went to mount Olive? Nothing Popey kicked the shite out of him.
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What did Cinderalla do when she got to the ball? Choke.
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What do christmas trees and Preists have in common? Both their balls are for decoration only.
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And finnaly for no- How do you stop a woman from giving you a blow job? Marry her.
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Ok one more- A guy comes down stairs one day and straight away the wife starts naggin at him. ' when will you fix that table it's still wobbely'? he replies ' Do I look like a fuckin joiner?' he goes into the kitchen, she follows him and says ' and antoher thing when will you fix that washing machine it's still leaking?' He replies ' Do I look like a fuckin plumber? Look I'm going out, I'll be back for Tea time.'
The guy guys to the pub, gets drunk and retunrs three hours later. He walks in the door expecting to be hit with something, but it doesn't come. His wife is sitting on the couch happilly whatching Eastenders. He says ' Why isn't that door sqeueaking, and who fixed the washing machine?' ' Oh big John from next door did it.' She replies ' He said I could either a; give him a blow job. or b; make him a chocolate cake.' The husband looks shocked then smiles and says. ' That big John loves his fuckin cake doesn't he?' His wife looks at him and says ' do I look like a fuckin baker.
