Professional Wrestling's Dopiest Finishing Moves
Professional Wrestling's Dopiest Finishing Moves
There are a lot of ways to put your opponent down for the count, but these are the absolute worst. Collecting the most unrealistic, silliest and flat-out stupid-looking finishers in wrestling history.
25
Cobra
Santino Marella has been WWE's go-to comedic relief for years, but his Cobra finishing move took things a little too far. With his wacky, over-the-top Italian gimmick, Marella could have gone in a lot of directions in developing a new finisher: The Spicy Meatball, the Taste of Italy, the Espresso Press, etc. But instead, he opted for a martial arts-esque throat thrust in which he pretends his hand is a striking snake. Worst of all? The fact that people actually sell for this ridiculous thing diminishes Marella, his opponents and the Tag Team Title around his waist.
24
People's Elbow
Listen, the Rock is truly one of the greatest wrestlers of all time. No doubt about it. But the People's Elbow? It was absolutely, mind-numbingly ridiculous. Dwayne Johnson took a simple move that countless wrestlers have used to little or no effect over the years, added some running back and forth and spasming Jimmy legs, and suddenly ended up with one of the Attitude Era's most recognizable finishers. The fact that the People's Elbow actually got over is a testament to how awesome the Rock truly was.
23
The Stroke
Jeff Jarrett isn't without talent. He's a solid worker, great at drawing heat on the mic, and frankly, has an absolutely stunning head of hair for a man of his age. We should all be so lucky. However, his Stroke finisher is little more than a sloppy looking Forward Russian Legsweep. Also, the move's name brings up bad Clarence Carter-related memories. And Jarret's other finishing move, the El Kabong? We ain't even gonna touch that.
22
Reality Check
The Miz has had a string of finishers that are lousy enough to make his current move (the adequate, but terribly named Skull-Crushing Finale) look pretty stellar just by comparison. Back in 2009, the Awesome One was using something he called the Reality Check, which was funny because he used to be a reality TV star - GET IT!? While there's nothing wrong with the move persay, there's also nothing terribly impressive or devastating about a knee lift/neckbreaker combo.
21
Heart Punch
Legendary hardasses from wrestling's pre-steroid days like Ox Baker and Stan Stasiak used the Heart Punch to great effect, even propagating rumors that it had legit killed people in the ring. But by the time that Crush began using the move in the mid-1990s, wrestling had changed a lot, and the move just looked ridiculous. Nobody bought that a punch to the ribs could make a man's heart instantly stop, as we all know that it takes five steps for the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique to take effect
20
Running Forearm Smash
To the untrained eye, Lex Luger's Running Forearm Smash was just an overly-muscled guy hitting another dude in the face with his forearm - nothing that would really cause a lot of damage. But all that time, Luger actually had a metal plate inserted into his forearm, which presumably rendered this lousy move really dangerous. Naturally, this raises the question of why more wrestlers don't just have metal plates implanted wherever-the-balls. We're blaming ObamaCare.
19
619
We're including this one under protest, as we still think the 619 is totally rad, and anyone who criticizes it has clearly never almost torn their shoulders out of their sockets trying to replicate it. That said, it's a pretty shocking coincidence that everyone Rey Mysterio has faced in the history of ever ends up draped over the ropes, equidistant from both turnbuckles. We're sure it can be easily explained though, through Mysterio's amazing...erm...ring generalship?
18
Khali Chop
Granted, the Great Khali is massive enough that even a firm pat on the back from the guy would look pretty painful. But honestly, isn't there something - ANYTHING - that would look better than a karate chop to the top of someone's head? The Great Khali can still be intimidating, just not so much when he's utilizing a move perfected in strip mall dojos across suburbia.
17
White Russian Legsweep
The Sandman was never known for being the best worker, but his finisher was particularly lazy and looked like it hurt him as much as anyone else. The grappler did a Russian Legsweep, but performed it with a Singapore cane across his opponent's neck, soley because the caning of Michael Fay was a thing that happened in the 1990s. Also, in a stunning display of wit, he called the move the WHITE Russian Legsweep, on account of the fact that his character was a hard-drinking shitkicker, and nothing says "blue collar guy" better than a Kahlúa-based mixed drink.
16
Master Lock
Internet wrestling fans are too hard on poor Chris Masters. No, he's not the best in the ring, and his mic skills are negligible, but even post-juice, the guy's got a real impressive physique, and you should be able to make some money with him. There's no defending his absurd finishing maneuver though - a simple Full Nelson that fails to position an opponent for a pin or even do any real damage. Our theory? The folks behind the Master Lock went out for a drink to reward themselves on such clever wordplay, and just never got back around to making the move make any damn sense.
15
Shake, Rattle and Roll
There's nothing wrong with a neckbreaker in and of itself, and in the right hands it can even be a pretty bitching finisher. Unfortunately, the Honky Tonk Man's hands were the absolute wrong ones. After the soft-bodied Elvis impersonator had completely worn himself out over the course of a match, he would execute his swinging neckbreaker following a series of lazy hip swivels, making his finishing move look like the completely unsexual, redneck version of the Rude Awakening.
14
Iron Claw
No knock against the legendary Texas wrestler, promoter and Von Erich patriarch, but the Iron Claw was completely ridiculous. We're sure that having your head squeezed by Fritz Von Erich's massive mitts wasn't pleasant, but there's no way it was as debilitating as fans were led to believe. Vulnerable pressure points or not, we ain't buying it. Yes, the move was crazy-popular in Japan, but so is buying used panties out of vending machines.
13
Bionic Elbow
With his truly grotesque physique, Dusty Rhodes probably doesn't look like much to today's wrestling fans, but he had a lot going for him. The American Dream was shockingly agile, in possession of incredible stamina and was one of the most charismatic wrestlers to ever enter the ring. His finisher, however, an elbow to the top of an opponent's head, was just plain lazy and uninteresting, and got over solely based on Rhodes' undeniable connection with his fans. They didn't even have to make up a bullshit story about Rhodes having adamantium plates installed in his joints or anything.
12
Gorilla Press Drop and Running Splash
They weren't always done in concert, but when they were, the Ultimate Warrior's Gorilla Press Drop and Running Splash were like the peanut butter and chocolate of stupid wrestling finishers. The Gorilla Press Drop was impressive for the incredible strength it required, but was pretty much just picking a guy up and dropping him on his face. Meanwhile, the Running Splash is a move best reserved for monstrous fat dudes to squash their opponents with. Even taken together, there's nothing about the Gorilla Press Drop and Running Splash that should put another wrestler down for a three count.
11
Tornado Punch
Physics works differently in wrestling than in the real world. For instance, in wrestling, if you spin around a bunch of times in the air before landing on someone, it makes the move more "impactful." Similarly, spinning around in place before smashing your fist into someone is supposed to make it way more painful and dangerous. While the jury's still out on whether a person can build up serious momentum by spinning in place, this finisher belonging to the Texas Tornado (aka Kerry Von Erich) was still basically just a punch to the head.
10
Knox Out
Looking like an extremely poor man's Bruiser Brody, Mike Knox tried to get over in WWE as some kind of intelligent monster, utlizing a Swinging Reverse STO as his finisher. A guy Knox's size has no business spinning his opponents around with a confusing looking move like the Knox Out, and instead, should have just stuck to what he's good at: Throwing big boots and growing beards.
9
Mizard of Oz
When you think about where the Miz was just a few short years ago, it's amazing he's even still working for WWE, much less holding one of the promotions' top titles. Case in point, his original finisher, the Mizard of Oz, which could earn a spot on this list for its cringe-inducing name alone. Making things even worse, however, is the fact that the move was a Swinging Reverse DDT so slow it looked like it was taking place in a poppy field.
8
Battering Ram
As both the Kiwis and the Sheepherders, Luke Williams and Butch Miller were revered as one of wrestling's most brutal and vicious tag teams. But when they joined the WWF as the Bushwhackers, the duo becamse little more than comic relief, with a wackadoo entrance and the Battering Ram tag team finisher. The move, which saw one Bushwhacker bend over and his partner help run him head-first into an opponent, showcased the Bushwhackers' physical comedy as well as their tenuous grasp on how speed and momentum work.
7
Mic Check
You could waste hours scouring Wikipedia, wrestling blogs and YouTube to learn all the subtle differences between the endless varieties of STOs and Russian Legsweeps, but let us save you the time and effort: They all stink as finishers. Every single one of them, including Mr. Anderson's Mic Check (a Leg Hook Reverse STO, if you must know), is lacking in any kind of significant impact and look like they hurt the deliverer as much as the recipient.
6
Mandible Claw
Mick Foley's sock-clad Mandible Claw was a huge part of the WWE's Attitude Era, and should easily earn a spot on any list of the industry's best finishers. But in addition to being a great, unique finisher, the Mandible Claw was also remarkably (and delightfully) stupid. The move raises a lot of questions, the foremost being most eloquently put by legendary promoter Bill Watts, who asked "Why don't I just bite your goddamn fingers off?" Fans of the move, however, can rest assured that the above and all other questions can be succintly answered with just three words: Sensitive nerve clusters.
5
Cross Rhodes
The Cross Rhodes, a Spinning Facebuster, can be a pretty neat way to end a match, provided that Cody Rhodes is delivering the move to a smaller man. When he flings a guy Evan Bourne's size to the mat, it looks like an effective, impactful move. Unfortunately, Rhodes isn't exactly a hulking behemoth by WWE standards, meaning that the wrestler is often seen administering the maneuver to much bigger dudes. When that happens, the move begins to look sloppy and Rhodes himself appears to suffer more punishment than his victim.
4
Killswitch
Christian is one of those wrestlers that the internet wrestling community loves to rally around. And while he's certainly a talented guy, capable of solid, entertaining matches, he's just not WWE main event material. A perfect example is his finisher, currently known as the Killswitch, but called both the Impaler and the Unprettier (our favorite), in years past. An Inverted Double Underhook Facebuster, the Killswitch requires an unrealistic amount of time to set up, and it's extraordinarily difficult to believe a guy as skinny as Christian could pull it off.
3
Hell's Gate
Initially, Hell's Gate was a pretty bitching new submission for the Undertaker, working as both a shout-out to MMA grappling techniques as well as a believable way for him to beat Mark Henry and Big Daddy V. But after choking out all of the WWE's big fat black guys as well as a giant Indian, the Undertaker began using the modified Gogoplata on smaller wrestlers like Edge. The problem is that Undertaker is one of the best big men wrestlers in history, with a number of great, powerful moves at his disposal. By resorting to a submission move that requires him to twist himself up and lie on the ground to defeat wrestlers smaller than him, it actually weakens the Undertaker.
2
The Worm
The Worm is a Chop Drop, which even by itself makes a pretty lousy finisher. But Scotty 2 Hotty wasn't content to just have a bad finisher - he also wanted it to be completely and utterly embarassing. With a series of spasming, mugging theatrics that would make Jim Carrey blush and Jamie Kennedy turn away, Mr. Hotty turned a serviceable, but unremarkable, wrestling move into a cringe-inducing atrocity.
1
Running Leg Drop
We're willing to say that back in the 1980s, a Running Leg Drop was an acceptable way for the world's most popular wrestler to win a match, especially since Hulk Hogan really used to make fans feel the impact. Even then though, the move was more exciting because of who was delivering it than what it actually looked like. Since then, the Hulkster has become an oldster, and is no longer capable of getting the big air he once did. As a result, his Running Leg Drop now looks more like a Limping Leg Collapse, which is even less impressive in a day and age when wrestlers routinely drop legs from the top turnbuckle.
