Dana White, Randy Couture and the trouble with being a bad breaker-upper

If I knew how to use my computer for anything other than typing and reading and looking at GIFs of knockouts, here's where I'd make a Venn diagram to illustrate a point about the beef between UFC President Dana White and former UFC champion Randy Couture.

One circle would be labeled, "People Who Are Bad, According to Dana White." Another circle would be labeled, "People Who Dana White Is No Longer in Business With." At the risk of running face-first into a drastic understatement, let's just say the overlap would be, uh, considerable.

We knew this was coming as soon as the news broke that Couture was going to work for the UFC's competitors at Bellator and Spike TV. We knew White would have something to say, and we knew it probably wouldn't be complimentary. It was just a matter of pulling the string and waiting to hear which defamatory tirade came out.

The fallout here included White accusing Couture of bailing on his commitment to the UFC's FOX broadcasts, painting him as a liar and a coward and a bad business partner, and saying that while he respected Couture's abilities in the cage, "There's no less of a man when he steps outside of it."

Surprised to hear the UFC boss talk that way about a former two-division champ and company Hall of Famer? Couture wasn't. As he told ESPN.com's Josh Gross recently, "If Dana's anything he's predictable."

Couture's side of the story acknowledges that, yes, he did bail on his FOX commentating deal, but he bailed in a fashion that his contract allowed for. And no, Couture said, he didn't come right out and tell the UFC he had a deal on the table that would take him over to the other side, but that's because he was subject to a non-disclosure agreement.

According to what Couture told Gross, he and his attorney "gave [Zuffa] every opportunity we could to make them understand without disclosing what we couldn't disclose that things were heating up for me, and if they wanted to keep me it was going to take something significant. They passed."

Granted, that's Couture's version. It's likely to be as self-serving as White's, because that's what happens when you ask someone to tell you about how a business relationship went sour. It's not so different from when you ask someone to tell you about their recent breakup. The natural tendency is to minimize your own culpability.

It's just that, there's a difference between offering a version of events that's especially generous to yourself and offering one that makes the other party out to be an irredeemable scumbag. The line between the two is what separates the people who know how to break up well from the people who don't.

White? He doesn't break up so well. In fact, he's among the worst breaker-uppers of all time. Just ask Spike TV, which went from trusted TV partner to "worst channel in the history of the world" almost as soon as its deal with the UFC had expired.

Face it, White is not the type who cordially agrees to "just be friends." He's the type who burns your photos and then slanders you to anyone who will listen.

It's "unfortunate," as Couture put it, "but Dana's Dana."

The fact that White handles these sorts of splits so poorly is probably a natural byproduct of the same ferocious drive that's made him the sport's most successful promoter. It's just weird that someone who's so good at business is also so quick to make it personal. As much as White seems to disdain his own reputation as a hothead, he also supports that characterization with his own version of events. For instance, check out his description of his response when he first got wind that Couture might be considering other offers.

"I start digging around, and I find out that he's talking about doing a deal with Bellator and Spike," White told reporters. "I call his lawyer. I went 'me' on his lawyer is the best way I can explain it. Then I called Randy. I called him over and over and over again. He wouldn't even answer his phone."

Gee, I wonder why. Could it have been because, non-disclosure agreement or not, he didn't feel like having Dana go Dana on him over the phone? If you're essentially acknowledging that you called someone up so you could yell and swear at them, do you still get to act surprised when they don't pick up?

That's not to say that Couture is an unassailable figure in all this. He does have a bit of a reputation for biting the hand that feeds him at times, and his own personal history with the UFC is marked by a waffling sense of loyalty. This is the man who tried to resign his position as UFC champion like it was a job as the manager of an Applebee's, after all. Even in retirement, it seems he wanted that UFC commentating gig only until something better came along.

Then again, is that so wrong, or so different from what happens all the time in business relationships? We know the UFC loves company men like Chuck Liddell, Matt Hughes and Forrest Griffin. Couture doesn't always seem to be that type of team player. He seems more like a guy who's looking out for himself and his own interests first, which you could argue is a pretty good idea for a professional athlete in a business as crazy as cage fighting.

But even if White doesn't like the way Couture does business, can't he dislike it without going all scorched earth on Couture as a person? Can't they agree to just be friends here, even if neither of them really means it? Because, as I think most of us know by now, developing a reputation as someone who breaks up badly doesn't just burn bridges with all your exes. It also tells current and potential future partners that sometimes it's a better idea to let your phone calls go straight to voicemail.