President Bush's New Year's Resolutions

– Lose weight: Help the U.S. Senate replace about 1,800 pounds of excess fat with a similar amount of lean muscle.
– Exercise more: Specifically exercise my veto power over Congressional spending.
– Get Organized: Put liberal Republicans like Senators Olympia Snowe, Lincoln Chafee and Arlen Specter in their proper places and keep them there so I can quickly locate them if I ever need them.
– Get Out of Debt: Cut non-essential expenses like the National Endowment for the Arts, the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, Amtrak, Department of Education, United Nations, aid to countries that vote against us at the U.N., local projects funded with federal tax dollars, and any non-military federal activity that supplants the rights and responsibilities of states and individuals.
– Quit Smoking: Stop burning ‘the base’ in an effort to satisfy the fringe.
– Listen More: Reauthorize 2002 executive order on NSA surveillance of terrorist phone calls and emails.
– Recycle More: Dust off those Reagan-era ideals about smaller government and use them.
– Learn New Languages: Specifically learn how to say “I accept your unconditional surrender” in Arabic, Korean, Farsi and Liberalese.

Funny thing is, a lot of that he will probably do too.