move over chuck norris here comes JACK BAUER
JACK BAUER!~
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Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys
Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.
Saddam wasn't found by the military. He heard Jack Bauer was coming and turned himself in.
Jack Bauer has stared death in the face so many times that Jack is no longer afraid death. Death is afraid of Jack.
In high school, Jack Bauer got a job working as a department store Santa. He was fired after he tortured a child to tell him her Christmas list.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer
If Jack Bauer was the Lord of the Ring, those movies wouldn't be so freaking long.
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
Jack Bauer can easily go 24 hours without moving his bowels.
The show 24 is always opened with.. "Due to graphic violence, parental discretion is advised", was recently changed to.. "Due to Jack Bauer."
Chuck Norris once tried to roundhouse kick Jack Bauer. Before his leg made it half way to Jack's face it was gunned off and Jack was already on his way to castrate Vin Diesel.
Jack Bauer once grew a beard to rival that of Chuck Norris. In the only episode of 24 where Jack has that beard, he shot a man through his heart and cut his head off. He then shaved that beard to show up Chuck. What has your beard done lately, Norris?
Jack Bauer eats pieces of crap like Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel for breakfast.
If Jack Bauer asks for your car, give it to him. And your wife
Jack Bauer got to level 71 on Tetris. Blindfolded.
Jack Bauer does not shave. Once his beard grows long enough, he uses his hacksawing skills to cut one hair. The rest fall out by themselves.
Jack Bauer can get anywhere in minutes... seconds. No matter what the traffic situation is.
Out of pure fear, Microsoft compiles a special version of Windows for Jack Bauer that boots instantly and never crashes. Programmers like their fingers and tend to get nervous when Jack is speaking.
It is Jack Bauer who sees you when you're sleeping, and it is Jack Bauer who knows when you're awake. "Santa Claus" is just a stupid codename, and Jack Bauer killed the guy who assigned it to him.
Jack Bauer doesn't get shot. He moves in front of bullets when he has an itch.
Jack bauer taught David Hasselhoff how to swim.
When Jack Bauer goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
It took Andy Dufresne twenty years to tunnel out of Shawshank Prison. It took Jack Bauer five minutes, four of which were spent torturing Warden Norton.
One time, at band camp, Jack Bauer killed a guy with a flute.
Jack Bauer has f**ked over more Arab guys than G.W Bush.
The Swiss Army Knife MacGyver uses was a present from Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer can swallow a scrambled rubix cube and barf it up solved, all while shooting terrorists.
MacGyver uses everyday items to save people; Jack Bauer uses everyday items to kill them.
When Jack Bauer sees a crime, he doesn't call for backup; he calls a coroner.
Jack Bauer's cell phone has incredible range... and batteries. He never needs to recharge.
After Jack Bauer has sex with women, they require medical attention. Despite his promises to take them to the hospital afterwards, Jack simply shoots them in the face.
In the beginning, there was a being named MacBauer. He was too powerful for his own good, so he was forced to split in half. One half became MacGuyver and the other Jack Bauer. The forces expelled from the split, science refers to as "The Big Bang" that created our universe.
Should Jack Bauer and MacGuyver ever meet, their combined forces would recreate MacBauer and bring our world to a sudden, violent end.
Jack Bauer once fell into quicksand. Lucky for Jack, he had his gun with him and shot his way out of it.
Jack Bauer shouldn't be compared to Jesus. Jack rose from the dead not once, but twice.
If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you accomplish is supplying him a fresh set of weapons to kill you with
Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Little did he know fear itself fears Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Jack Bauer once coached his daughter Kim's little league team to the championship game. To motivate the team at the beginning of the game, he was very intense and repeatedly shouted "What is your primary objective?!"
Losing a colleague or loved one for Jack Bauer is comparable to the feeling of missing the elevator for most people.
A wrestling reference
Contrary to popular belief, Jack Bauer is the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be.
On his days off from CTU Jack Bauer helps old ladies cross the road. He does this by staring at oncoming cars. On the freeway.
If you ever wonder what to do in life, ask What Would Jack Bauer Do, because that sure as hell will get things done faster than what Jesus would do
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Jack Bauer has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Jack Bauer is the sole reason there are no more dinosaurs.
The real reason the war is still going on in Iraq is that President Bush has not unleashed Jack Bauer. This is why President Bush is considered a stupid president.
Jack Bauer doesn't sleep, because sleep is the cousin of death
Jack Bauer was disqualified of Big Brother because he was torturing the other participants.
At the end of season 3, many believe Jack Bauer is crying tears of remorse because he shot Ryan Chappelle, murdering a friend. The truth of the matter is that Jack is crying tears of joy because he has just lived the American Dream, killing his boss.
Jack Bauer can do more with a cell phone than most hackers can do with the top personal computers.
Jack Bauer knows what you did last summer
When Jack Bauer realized he had the same initials as James Bond and Jason Bourne, he killed both of those punks using a water pistol
The real reason "24" wasn't cancelled in its first season is that Jack Bauer spoke to the Fox executives through the TV screen and threatened them with towels.
A man once said "Give me liberty or give me death." Jack Bauer gave him death.
When Jack Bauer learned how much radiaton George Mason had been exposed to he shrugged and stated: "That's the amount I have for breakfast actually."
Jack Bauer never got picked last in kickball
Jack Bauer prefers windows...doors are for women, children, and people he kicks through them.
If Jack Bauer asks to have just 5 minutes with you, run.
Another snipe at Chuck Norris
Real men torture others into demise. Pussies perform roundhouse kicks.
If Jack's starring at someone and his eye twitches, assume that person has less than 15 minutes to live.
When time stands still, Jack Bauer moves at the speed of light
When Jack Bauer was 5 years old he got suspended from kindergarden, someone took his crayon and he yelled "Dammit"
Jack Bauer did not hire clowns for Kim's birthday parties. He stood in front of the children and demanded they enjoy themselves
Jack Bauer has killed more people than Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris. And he did it in 24 hours
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