Chet's Conjecture: WrestleMania 23
***This is a column review for WM23 I wrote for my home forum.***
- Hey all, and welcome to Chet’s Conjecture for WM23. Like I’ve mentioned before, it took me a while to get the show. I taped the first airing because I was at work, and when Jiso came around and we tried to watch it... nothing. Black screen. Fuck Pay TV companies. So eventually I got it, but I stayed up so late to watch it I missed work again. Oops. But hey, it's WrestleMania...
- Aretha Franklin (Miss Twinkie USA) sings the national anthem, and the opening video package shows, as we’re live from Ford Field in Detroit, Michigan.
- Hosts are JR, King, Cole, JBL, Styles and Tazz. Why did Styles and Tazz even bother showing up? Tazz must hate the fact he gets no use because of ECW.
- The opening pyro is one of the best ever by the way, and the entrance is indeed as massive as they’d promised.
- Money In The Bank: Jeff Hardy vs. Matt Hardy vs. Edge vs. Randy Orton vs. Kennedy vs. Finlay vs. King Booker vs. CM Punk
Told y’all it’d open the show. They all stand around and stare up at the briefcase to begin, and I wonder why someone doesn’t take a hint and grab a ladder while they’re all staring. Brawling starts us off, before Finlay hits a bodypress off the top onto everyone on the outside, except Edge, who sneaks in the other side and brings a ladde in. This is followed by everyone paiing off and taking turns to push each other off the ladder in the ring. Booker finds Hornswaggles step ladder under the ring, and makes sure to stop and say “TELL me...”
Edge throws the step ladder at Punk’s head. Ouchie. JBL continues to lecture Cole as to the name of the Leprechaun. There’s a ladder balanced between the ring and the barricade for no reason except to set up the sickest spot ever later on. King Booker hits a bunch of spinebusters and side kicks, but stops to Spinaroonie and misses his shot at getting the case. Hardyz set up Edge for the Mercury face-fuck with the ladders, but Finlay pushes Jeff to the outside, which allows Edge to suplex Matt on the ladder see saw. Kennedy then tries a Kenton Bomb on Matt on a ladder, but Matt moves. OUCH. That had to hurt Kennedy’s neck. Jeff hits the Swanton while he’s down. Matt and Jeff clear the ring, climb the ladder and face off. Finlay pushes them off the ladder. Jeff is the best at “reaching desperately” for things off ladders by the way. Finla holds up a ladder above his head, only to get speared by Edge, who then spears every other competitor, except Punk, who leapfrogs him, then spins around with a ladder, before finally copping the spear from Edge that also takes down Orton and Finlay. Edge grabs the massive ladder, unaware of his impending doom. Orton pushes Edge off to the outside, before taking an Imaler DDT from Jeff. Matt lies Edge on the ominous ladder outside, and Jeff climbs the Uber Ladder and hits a legdrop, to the outside, on Edge, breaking the ladder in half along with Edge’s spine in the sickest spot I may have ever seen. Crowd pops big for it, as Matt copmpletely breaks character wondering if Edge just died or not. Edge gets stretchered off as Matt keeps staring.
Orton is in the ring and RKOs everyone. Orton climbs but gets with a ladder by Punk. They climb, and Punk ends up taking an RKO off the ladders. Nice. Orton climbs again but now takes a Bookend from Book-ah off the ladders. Another nice spot. Burger King begins to climb, but Matt psychs him out by threatening to Twist of Fate Sharmell. Booker chooses his Queen over the briefcase and takes a Twist of Fate, allowing Matt to climb, only to get tipped off backwards by Finlay, then takes the Celtic Cross on a ladder by the bloody Finlay. Finlay is unable to climb, so Hornswaggle comes in to climb for him, but gets to the top and can’t even reach. Kennedy goes up there and gets punched by Hornswaggle, so Kennedy gives him the rollover samoan drop off the top. Porr midget is dead. Finlay climbs eventually bu Punk dropkicks him off, only to get knocked off by Kennedy with a ladder, who then climbs and become Mr. Money in the Bank at 19:10. Well, it was a big mess of death metal if anything else. ***1/2 Alot of fun, and as with the others, the second time I watched it was better. There were some disjointed spots, and I think the booked ending got changed mid match, but still entertaining as hell.
- The Condemned video package. As stated elsewhere, I’m pumped as hell for this.
- Backstage: Kennedy is NOT a nice guy, and thank god he’s Mr. Money in the Bank....... Bank.
- Kane vs. The Great Khali
Oh crap. I convinced myself this never happened. But alas, they punch and kick for a bit, Kane slams Khali and gets two, because he FORGOT THE LEGDROP. They’ve replayed Hogan vs. Andre 10,000 times since it happened, and he still forgot that the legdrop is what kills them. Khali wins with his shitty version of the Baldo Bomb at 5:29. Ghey, ghey, ghey. ¼* Khali chokes Kane out with his hook afterwards.
- We get the requizite “Legends Segment” backstage with Cryme Tyme trying to get Eugene to dance, and we end up with Slick (oh he’s awesome), IRS, Jimmy Hart, Gerald Briscoe, Mae, Moolah and Dusty Rhodes dancing. Steamboat stops them, then busts a move, before Faarooq walks in. DAMN.
- United States Championship: Chris Benoit vs. M.V.P
MVP enters with out of sync cheerleaders. Those cheerleaders suck ass. MVP starts by out wrestling Benoit, which is nice, but the crowd is dead at the moment. Benoit tries the Sharpshooter, but MVP counters, before Benoit tries the Crossface and MVP rolls out. Benoit keeps trying the Crossface, but MVP keeps making the ropes. Benoit preps him for a superplex, but MVP drops to the outside and drags his arm down into the ropes. Nice move there. MVP starts working the arm nicely, but succumbs to Hans, Horst and Heinz. Benoit goes up for the headbutt, but MVP cuts him off and superplexes him, but Benoit rolls through and cradles him for two. MVP takes over again with more arm work. A kick to the face by MVP gets two. Scoop slam by MVP and hits the Ballin’ Elbow. Crowd loves it, and like I said, screw the Five Knuckle Shuffle, that’s the next People’s Elbow. MVP misses a running boot in the corner, and takes Hans and Horst, MVP counters, then takes Heinz, Klaus and Gustov. Benoit goes up, hits the headbutt and pins MVP at 9:15. An abrudt, strange ending to the match, and it really should have gone another 5-10 minutes. **3/4 Could’ve been better with more time, but they did well with what they had to work with. I’m expecting MVP to take the title on SmackDown JBL tells Benoit to savour his Mania Moment. I think winning the World Heavyweight Championship at Madison Swuare Garden kinda outshines a US Title defence, man.
- Trump meets Boogeyman and asks him to get him a sandwich. In exchange for worms. Hardly a fair trade. How about a WORM SANDWICH??? Why the hell is the Boogeyman still employed? Is he even on TV any more?
- Attendance is 80,103. Very nice, but they really need some super PPV where The Rock headlines against Cena to crak 100,000.
- I fast forward through the Hall of Fame shit.
- World Heavyweight Championship: Batista vs. The Undertaker.
They got owned moving this far down the card. Undertaker starts is entrance and I go to make a coffee again. I come back and he’s made the ring. Must’ve taken longer to make the coffee this time. Teddy Long does the Intros for no given reason. They start with Batista beating the shit out of Undertaker in the corner, but Taker fights back with lefts and rights, before getting speared into the corner. Crowd is firmly cheering Taker. They go outside and Batista whips Undertaker into the ropes. These guys are on tonight, no doubt. Batista hits a top rope shoulderblock. Oh, he means BUSINESS. Clothesline, but Taker kicks out at two. Batista continues to own Undertaker, and the crowd is into this one, as Undertaker fights back again, and hits a few running charges in the corner, then snake eyes and a big boot. Batista kicks out at two. Undertaker tries a chokeslam, but Batista fights out of it, before Undertaker comes back with his flipping clothesline. I love that move, always have. It’s better when the other guy ducks and he DDTs them, however. They head outside, and Batista head gets bounced off the steps. Cole reminds us how old Undertaker is by pointing out he won the WWE Title 10 years ago at WrestleMania. Apron legdrop by Undertaker, as Kane watches on and cries again for forgetting to drop the leg *sigh*. Top rope plancha by Undertaker on Batista. They’re pulling out the big guns.
Batista sends Undertaker into the ring announcers table. He preps the announce tables, picks up Undertaker on one and powerslams him through the other. DAMN. These guys are putting it all out there. Into the ring, as Undertaker makes the comeback with corner elbos, but Batista counters with a belly to belly. Batista punches Undertaker in the corner, because I guess one thing Trips forgot to teach him is tat you NEVER punch Undertaker in the corner, and of course he takes the Last Ride. He kicks out at two, however, which is something Trips didn’t do at WrestleMania. Batista comes back with a spinebuster and Ultimate Warriors on the ropes, giving Taker enough time tog et up and hit a chokeslam for two. Batista makes his comeback and HITS the Batista Bomb, but Taker kicks out at two, and Batista is SHOCKED and/or APPALLED! He tries it again, but gets backdropped. Batista then stupidly tries a Tombstone, and suffers the same fate of everyone that isn’t Kane who tries to Tombstone the Undertaker, and the real thing ends it for the Deadman at 15:47 to make Undertaker the World Champion, and 15-0. I know this may seem a tad strange, but it’s definitely a **** match, and it is actually a shame they bumped it this far down the card to make way for lame duck/women/publicity matches. Incredible effort by both guys, and they put on a match I never expected. If the crowd stays the same and they continue to be this motivated, the inevitable Hell in a Cell match at GAB/Summerslam will be something to behold.
- Baby McMahon Helsmley makes an off-screen appearance. For the best in my opinion. Steph looks like she’s pushing 40. Age is being very unkind to her.
- ECW Originals vs. ECW New Breed
Originals enter through the crowd. They’re EXTREME. Sabu owns Striker in the ring with various rope-assisted moves. Sandman comes in and hits a guillitine legdrop over the ropes. He tags in Dreamer and they hit a double team elbow. Burke takes Dreamer down and tags in Cor Von. Marquis Cor Von looks like so much more of a star then the other New Breed guys it isn’t funny, it’s actually kinda sad considering his misuse. Elijah back in and hits a knee on Dreamer in the corner for two. Thorn comes in and charges Dreamer in the heel corner. Punches from Thorn to Dreamer. Blind charge by Dreamer turns into a sitout powerbomb variation by Thorn. Cor Von comes in and locks a chinlock on Dreamer. He somehow makes THAT look badass. Dreamer reverses a slam and hits a reverse DDT/neckbreaker combo on Cor Von and Burke. Dreamer tags in RVD, who comes in with kicks and clotheslines. He tries the Frog Splash on Striker but changes his mind and kicks Thorn. Monkey flip on Striker. Rolling Thunder follows. Cor Von pulls RVD and Sabu flies out with Air Sabu. DDT in the ring on Striker. Burke wipes out Dreamer, so Sandman clotheslines him out in great fashion. RVD sneaks in with the Frog Splash on Striker for the win at 6:26. Like I said, WrestleMania=Faces go over. ** Great fun match there, and Sandman and Dreamer seem to be trying hard to save their jobs. They’ve gone from not caring at all to making a great effort to stay employed, and I think they’ve deserved to stay. Should’ve gone longer and would’ve benefited from being an “Extreme Rules” match as well
- Next year: WrestleMania 24 hits Orlando.
- Battle of the Billionaires: Bobby Lashley w/Donald Trump vs. Umaga w/Estrada, Vince McMahon
The real main event has arrived. Let’s face it, this is their “big” match. The entrances begin and I wonder if I can go read the paper in full before they’re over. Austin of course ovewrshadows everyone in the match, because he’s Stone Cold Steve Austin. Trump dropped more money from the roof as well. They start it out with a fist fight, and Lashley takes over with punches in the corner. Austin takes him back when he doesn’t break after five. Umaga misses a splash in the corner, and Lashley follows with a second rope shoulderblock. Estrada makes problems, so Lashley gives him the running powerslam. Umaga charges at Lashley, but he drops down and pulls down the top rope, making Umaga go spear, but Umaga moves now and Lashley exits via the second rope and goes splat. JR is calling Vince Mr. McMadMahon. That’s really lame, dude. Trump cheers on Lashley as he gets choked by Umaga, who gets a nice warning from Austin. Trump instructs “Bobby” to “shake it off”. Yeah, that’ll work. Umaga continues to dominate Lashley. He hits a butt splash in the corner, twice. Lashley fights back, but takes a Samoan Drop. Lashley gets up and picks up Umaga, but the weight is too much and he goes over. Downward spiral from Umaga, who goes up, but ges pressed off by Lashley. Austin counts to 9, then stops, because we want a WINNER dammit. Austin is still the crowd’s main focus. He changes the match to “No countouts”, because he’s Steve Austin and does what he wants. Umaga back up with an uppercut to Lashley, then punches in the corner. He doesn’t break at five, so Austin pulls him off via the hair. Shane McMahon distracts Austin, who turns around into a Spike. Nicely done. Shane is in and beating on Lashley, but gets caught before Umaga takes Lashley down again for more Shane McMahon punches. Shane goes up and hits the Van Terminator on Lashley. Shane counts a two for Umaga, but Austin drags him out and beats him down, but takes another Saman Spike on return. “What’s goin’ on over here?” Trump says. He then takes down Vince with a nice tackle before unleashing the furious GIRY PUNCHES OF CANDY HEAVEN. Umaga tries to Spike Austin again but gets a Stunner, allowing Lashley to hit the spear for the win at 13:05. They proceed to shave Vince, before Austin stuns Trump, because he Steve Austin, so he does what he wants. Austin clearly overshadowed Lashley here, not by his own fault, more because he’s just a bigger star than everyone. *1/4 for the match, alot of fun, but not the power matchup of a lifetime they wanted, more just a bunch of fun extra-curricular activity than any power wrestling.
- The show highlights of the pre-show lumberjack match to waste some time.
- Women’s Championship LumberJill Match: Melina vs. Ashley
Stuff happens, Melina wins with a rollup. -* for this shit. NEXT FUCKING NEXT.
- WWE Championship: John Cena vs. Shawn Michaels
Shawn is dressed all Texas like, but no goofy entrance where he's Conan's buddy. Never thought I'd hear the DX theme in a Mania main event again, that's for sure.
I.... spoke.... too... fucking.... soon. A FUCKING MUSTANG???? Despite fanging a burnout through the WrestleMania logo in a pimped up car... the crowd still boos the fuck out of Cena. Big entrance, supposed babyface... this is very familiar... the scary thing? Shawn Michaels is a better wrestler than Triple H. Oh I'm gunna love this...
Michaels starts by slapping Cena, then dodging everything Cena has, and punching him numerous times. Michaels continues to duck everything, but eventually Cena catches him with a clothesline and shouldrblock. Cena ends up outside, and Michaels srpingboards into a moonsault from the second rope onto Cena in front of the announce table. Michaels uses the ringpost to work over the knee, then takes it back inside the ring. Michaels hits some chops and continues to hyper-extend the knee. And he's doing a damn good job of it. The "Michaels is schooling Cena with wrestling" motif is going down very well. Michaels hits more chops. Every time Cena gets a shot in, Michaels regroups and strikes back more effectively. Michaels blind charges at Cena in the corner, but Cena finally moves quick enough to escape, and Shawn hits the ringpost, busting him wide open. Now Cena gets ballsy and starts pounding down on Michaels, which the crowd greatly dislikes. Michaels blocks an FU, but Cena ducks the superkick, and Chioda eats it squarely in the moosh.
Ref is down and Michaels reverses the FU into a DDT. Great counter there. And with the ref out, Shawn uses another veteran trick, and uses a weapon. Well, he piledrives Cena square on the steps. That HAS to hurt. I've only ever seen Shawn do that to Undertaker, adn Cena's head is not that hard. Indeed, it busts him open from the back of he skull. NOW Michaels calls for Jack Doan, but he only gets a two count. Cena reverses a whip but eats Michaels forearm. He nips up and hits the elbow drop, then preps for Sweet Chin Music. Of course by the time he's ready, Cena kills him with a lariat. Both are up and bleeding and the exchange more chops/forearms, before Michaels counters the FU into a pinfall, but it only gets two. Cena then hits the FU, but takes too long to cover and Shawn kicks out. Cena tries an FU from the top rope, but Michaels punches out and hits a bodypress, but Cena rollsv thropugh and tries another FU, which Shawn flips out of, Cena ducks the superkick, they take each other down again and again before Shawn gets two with a cradle. Cena hooks the STFU, and he's nearing heel mode based on his facial expressions, but Michaels makes the ropes.
Cena argues with the ref too long shooting his mouth off, and BANG, superkick right to the throat. Again, Cena is no veteran and doesn't know when to argue and when not to. Cena kicks out, barely, at two. Both men slowly pick each other up, and we get a hot FU reversal, but Cena picks up the STFU again, centre of the ring. Shawn hangs on, but the torque is too much, and another DX member taps to the STFU at WrestleMania at 28:21 for Cena to retain the WWE Championship. Post-match Cena offers a handshake, and the beaten veteran walks out, defeated. *****
I heard it was good. It was better. The story of the veteran outsmarting the over zealous young gun was a winner, and the pace just got quicker and quicker until they were pulling awesome reversals and sequences out their asses, and I had no idea who was winning until the vey end. That final FU > STFU sequence was intense, and the end was perfect. The only way this match could’ve been better is if they’d switched roles and had Cena go heel mid-match and lose to Michaels due to cockyness. Still, this was perfect storytelling from Shawn and Cena doing everything he could to learn from it. You can have your Dragon Gate or Styles-Joe spotfests if you want, you can call it them Match of the Year, but this was classic old school wrestling, and I'll choose it over them any day.
Chet’s Conjecture: The main matches here were always gunna decide the success of the show. Money in the Bank was as good as people were expecting, Undertaker-Batista was better, and the Cena-Michaels match was something truly special. The rest of the show was passable fun (Divas match aside), although the Billionaires match was a little disappointing. However, WrestleMania is sold on he promise of celebrities, atmosphere and classic moments, and I think they more than delivered on their part tonight. A great show and well worth the effort in finding a copy.
