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Confusion. A mindless waste of worry that is created when you don't follow your gut instincts. I'm never at a loss for words or at the end of a connecting thought that flows through this column, my music or the book I am writing. But somehow I wrote two columns before this one, both contradicting each other. I never sit down to write, a thought will usually hit me sometime during the month and I will indulge in it for you.
But as I read back over what I had written this month, it was obvious my words were unreadable with confusion. Both columns were inspired by the same person, but confused because the words they divulged to me from their own life... were confused. As my words congealed with theirs, lying on the paper in front of my face, I visualized my columns before these that started back in January. They perfectly follow the journey of my thought and life that I feel you are all so apart of.
I'm a creative girl that truly enjoys the free spirit that I sit in, but I am very directional. I know exactly where I am going in life and career. My heart is with my home and family at TNA Wrestling and in the music I am currently making with my band "HEMME" (Im the singer/songwriter). I have been writing songs from my poetry for a long time but about a year and a half ago I wrote a song that I saw connect like a story to the song I had written just before it. Over the next year 10 songs blended together into a story about a women who blindly follows her subconscious through her dreams, in search of finding who she is. Fighting her way through past experiences that hold her back with the protection of her mind, she faces them in her dreams. Realizing that what she was searching for was there all along, just resonating in the light of her soul. Each song on the album is connected to a chapter in the book that will follow the album release next year.
The style of the band is self explanatory from beat number one. Its straight up in your face ROCK! Nonetheless there is a a variety of talent, mood, feel and instant satisfaction to the ears. Everyone involved is putting their stamp on the project, but my musical half/songwritting partner/guitarist Randy is who really translates the conceptualist I feel so compelled to be. I've worked with a lot of guitarists but I knew from the first day I met him, that he was in a universe of his own. When it comes to playing his guitar and developing songs, he has an endless pool of creativity that he submerges himself fully into. His ridiculous solo's and innovative style is soaked in the root of what this band is. These songs are truly MUSIC and MUSICAL; meant to be heard by everyone and everything in its path... So beware something new is happening! You'll get to take the simple complication of these songs for a ride and you'll never want to stop;-).
So, even with this very clear vision of where my life is headed, confusion slipped into me this month. Confusion derived from trusting where someone else's heart was. I am very quick to make major decisions because I follow my gut completely. So, as a girl that is a bit reclusive and extremely independent how do I trust someone else's gut if in reality it effects the direction of where I go, because I trusted it?
I started to blame my own confusion on this relationship I hold so dear to me. I was so very wrong. You see my confusion came from new waters that I am treading through. The album that I am finishing right now is a self-reflecting album that is inspired by my own experiences. Experiences that now look like a past that I am ready to share from a healed point of view. With the album already written, I naturally started writing the next one that is based on connections to the people around me. And like the soundtrack that follows my thoughts, it translates through my life as well. As I pull away from being so inside my own head to connect better to the people around me... I reach questions that I cant just answer for myself because it involves others. My gut tells me that I need to learn how to trust people and not be so independent that I don't need anyone.
Part of that is giving up a little bit of my controlling nature. I allow the people I hold close inside my life to hold such a big piece of me as well, that when they are confused or hurt, I am too in order to help them. Help fix the problem that only they can truly fix.
As you have all followed a lot of the thought process of what this album is to become through this column, a column that I read every comment about and am swayed by how it effects you. I realize that the beginning of this search for connection started long before its inception... and has everything to do with connecting to you.
Thank you so much and I love you,
Christy Hemme
