Romance on the Roster

[Black Widow]

Mark Henry & Mae Young

Before Mark Henry evolved into the dark and bitter force he is today, he was actually a semi-sweet guy who went by the handle “Sexual Chocolate.” And it was 77-year-old Mae “Anything But” Young who provided his fondest morsels of amore in this, WWE.com’s No. 6 Whoa-mance.

Even the most die-hard WWE fan thought this whole “December-Mae” romance inconceivable: Henry, a former Olympic powerlifter, fancied himself the “perfect lover” and compared his sexual prowess to milk. (“I do all the ladies’ bodies’ good.”) That is, until one Raw evening in December 1999, when he bedded an insatiable septuagenarian whose dairy products had supposedly long since dried. For whatever reason—a history of bad relationships, a predilection for much, much older women, witchcraft—the 400-pound Sexual Chocolate simply melted in the palm of a wrestling great nearly 50 years his senior.

As the millennium turned, so did the stomachs of WWE Superstars and fans alike, yet Sexual Chocolate and Mae continued sampling their tasty love affair—through romantic poetry and gifts, rather-disturbing public acts of affection, and of course, helping each other chalk up victories in the squared circle. It even aroused the geriatric grappler to pick up a controversial Swimsuit Contest victory at the 2000 Royal Rumble, during which she made a valid argument for censorship by flashing her puppies to the crowd! Sexual Chocolate would rush into the ring to wrap Mae up, but it wasn’t fast enough to prevent a sudden worldwide surge in corneal implants.

The real eye-popper, however, came on SmackDown less than a week after the Rumble, when the jubilant odd couple announced to the world that Mae was pregnant! Ecstatic that their love had conquered the greys of anatomy, the big daddy-to-be showered his little (old) lady with presents to ease her way into grand motherhood—flowers, hemorrhoid cream, lotion for stretch marks, even a breast pump for the puppies. Mae, meanwhile, kept her Sexual Chocolate satisfied with their sneak-aways to hotel rooms, plus edible undies that gave him a zest for “Tutti Fruitti.” If the whole thing wasn’t so disgusting, it might actually have been kind of sweet.

Sadly, the pungent tanginess of such love would ultimately spoil. Savage attacks from enemies would not only leave a ripened daredevil like Young stretcher-bound on several occasions, but induce extremely premature labor on Raw Feb. 28. From backstage, Henry felt helpless as he could only watch Mae smoke a celebratory cigar (she wouldn’t calm down, otherwise) and suffer through a gut-wrenching delivery. Finally, an EMT, though initially reluctant to tend to the flatulent Mae, persevered through the stench long enough to successfully deliver…a human hand. Yes, you read this right. A hand. And Sexual Chocolate’s reaction toward this Caucasian, mucus-covered appendage? Well, he just questioned whether or not he was truly the father.

The hand was later revealed to be a replica, possibly one of Mae’s leftover sex toys long since forgotten. But the hand did more than symbolically wave bye-bye to her and Mark’s really strange relationship. To this day, it is the byproduct of a passion that can no longer be recaptured, and a crazy-ass romance that WWE fans can forever (mis)carry in their hearts.


Al Wilson & Dawn Marie

When Torrie Wilson's newly-divorced dad, Al, laid his near-sighted orbs on Dawn in 2002, the senior citizen swooned. She returned his affections, and the two were soon hitched. But Dawn's insatiable sexual appetite on their honeymoon pushed Al to the brink... and beyond.


Goldust & Marlena

WWE.com’s No. 8 Whoa-mance was stranger than any movie dreamed up for the silver screen. From the moment Goldust, a bizarre, platinum-haired figure garbed in gold from face to toe, premiered at WWE in September 1995, he was all about quoting movies and playing mind games. Opposing WWE Superstars couldn’t figure him out, nor did they want to; being the unfortunate object of his affection often meant being showered with not-so-veiled golden innuendo, including love letters, flowers, and scary-ass centerfolds of himself. Those who tried forcibly rebuking “Androgynous One’s” gold lust in the ring would be subjected to his way too touchy-feely tactics, making them so uncomfortable to actually wrestle that their defeat was inevitable.

Further adding the freak on to Goldust’s bizarre methods was the blonde bombshell Marlena, who first arrived on the scene at the 1996 Royal Rumble. Sitting in a golden director’s chair with an unlit Cuban cigar in hand, the bronzed beauty played an Oscar-worthy role that night in getting the Bizarre Superstar ready for his close-up as the new Intercontinental Champion. It also established that while he may have had a thing for grappling men in the squared circle, his creative muse was all woman.

For the next year and a half, Goldust and Marlena’s “er-odd-ic” relationship scorched WWE television while scarring the emotions of WWE Superstars and fans alike. The peculiar pair had no qualms groping one another during their “Shattered Dreams Productions” opening credits, or their “Walk of Fame” to and from the ring; if anything, knowing that everyone was watching only seemed to turn them on even more. And it certainly didn’t stop the Bizarre One’s antics to “shatter your dreams again and again, so that you will never forget the name of…ssssssss…Golllduussst.”

By late 1997, however, Goldust and Marlena’s dreams together had become the stuff of nightmares. Shortly after losing a bitter rivalry that provided Marlena’s “services” to Brian Pillman for a month, Goldust—who had since revealed himself as Dustin Runnels, the son of WWE Legend Dusty Rhodes—dumped his dazzling director for far-out space nut Luna Vachon. That partnering wouldn’t last very long, but by then the Golden One was tarnished; branching out as different personas had cost him his most famous identity, while any chance of reuniting with Marlena was lost after her new position(s) with Val Venis. Goldust would return eventually (several times, in fact), while Marlena—under her real name, Terri—enjoyed several more years in WWE as one of its Divas. Sadly (sort of), the movie-like madness produced by their .24-karat carnal cravings would never earn the rights to a sequel.


Harvey & Bertha Faye



At five-foot-seven and 155 pounds (soaking wet and holding a brick), one-time WWE manager Harvey Wippleman had his squinty little eyes focused only on Bertha Faye in 1995. It wasn’t because he likely just couldn’t see around her five-foot-eight, 260-pound frame, all garishly outfitted in flowers, flecks and fishnets that shaped her legs into buns of cinnamon rather than steel. Neither was it Bertha’s desire to fashion Women’s Championship gold around her…shoulder, or the fact that she pounded her opponents with the same zeal as hitting an all-you-can-eat buffet. No, Wippleman’s wonder lust was far more basic: Bertha simply paid attention to him.

Think of it this way: Other than Sid Justice and perhaps Kamala, Harvey’s managerial track record at WWE usually didn’t include long-term main-eventers. (Giant Gonzales, Mr. Hughes, Adam Bomb, The Warlord, Kwang…must we continue?) Before long, even they usually left the simpy wimp hanging high and dry. But Bertha was different; she knew how to treat her Wippleman. Sure, she berated him, intimidated him, and often flat-out castigated him. But she always stood by him (and around him…and over him…). That alone was more than enough to reinforce to Harvey that their love knew no boundaries—at least, none that mattered beyond the “Sweet Lovin’ Arms” he woefully sang of her. (An entrance theme that to this day still leaves fish floating belly-up in the water.)

Yes, string bean Harvey was supersized-smitten with Bertha, and dutiful to her needs beyond human reason; one WWE Superstar even suggested that she only took him home just so he could butter her hips and get her through the door of her double-wide trailer. Nevertheless, the “Queen of the Trailer Park” provided the goods to justify his love…and, for several months, the Women’s Championship, which she acquired with a devastating Big Bertha Bomb at SummerSlam 1995. (Harvey certainly had to be thrilled; he had no way of knowing then that he’d become “Hervina,” the only man to ever win the prestigious title five years later.) As she carried him out of the ring that night, proud that she had given the Women’s division an extreme makeover (the home edition, in her case), Bertha fended off her jealous lightweight lover’s tirade toward Jim Ross to emphatically state two things: “I have the man…and the shiny gold to put across my Slim-Fast waist!”

Sadly, Bertha would lose her Women’s Championship later that October, and her li’l Wippleman several months after that. After a year of seemingly-endless love, Harvey’s romantic binge unexpectedly purged, and for the most superficial of reasons: she dropped ten pounds. Thankfully, their ’95 love affair keeps filling our hearts as WWE.com’s No. 9 Whoa-mance.


Chris Jericho & Trish Stratus

WWE.com’s No. 10 Whoa-mance started out as a gamble made in the poorest of tastes. During an October 2003 edition of Raw, Chris Jericho had wagered one dollar (Canadian) that he would score “100% Stratusfaction” from Trish Stratus before his “Creepy Little Bastard” pal, Christian, could moonsault Lita into his creaky little bed. To kick-start their plan, both Superstars spent the next few weeks charging ringside to save the Divas from outside attacks—Y2J would rescue Trish, while “C.L.B.” did likewise for Lita.

At first, the Divas were understandably hesitant to trust the two ill-reputed Superstars, but Trish soon believed that Jericho sincerely wanted to be with her. More important, he did; having genuinely fallen for Trish, Y2J now sought to win her heart rather than an ill-conceived bet. Dating seriously by mid-November, the two were clearly championing love instead of the WWE titles they had held throughout their respective careers.

Sadly, the brightest fires—particularly those of an amorous nature—often burn briefest. On the night she was preparing to give herself fully to Jericho, Trish learned of his earlier bet with “C.L.B.”—and that he was “rounding third and coming home.” She had no idea that Jericho was saying such things merely to save face in front of his buddy, nor would she allow him to explain, even after the two Superstars followed her and Lita to the ring and publicly apologized with flowers. Instead, the Divas used the flowers to assault their suitors, then later interfered in their match for the World Tag Team Championship.

After his reluctant participation in two “Battle of the Sexes” Matches with Trish and Lita, Jericho made a New Year’s resolution to reconcile with Trish, and by late January had succeeded in rekindling a friendship between them. But the jealous “Creepy Little Bastard,” convinced that the “Ayatollah of Rock-n-Roll-ah” had softened his personal tune, meted out some “tough love,” first by issuing Trish a humiliating beatdown in the ring, then a WrestleMania XX challenge against his former best friend. An irate Jericho accepted the challenge, and in New York City’s Madison Square Garden delivered some much-needed pummeling to his former tag team partner. Furthermore, when Trish rushed ringside to lend Jericho support, WWE fans felt certain that Y2J, and true love, would emerge victorious that March night.

Suddenly, tragedy would strike in the form of the Diva’s elbow, which “accidentally” caught Jericho in the face, leaving him open for a cheap rollup that gave “C.L.B.” the win. But the true victim that evening would be Y2J’s affections, which were dashed the instant Trish slapped him across the face, setting him up for his former friend’s finisher. Stunned more by the Diva’s treachery than by any defeat or physical attack, a broken-hearted Jericho could only watch as Trish and “C.L.B.” walked arm-in-arm up the WrestleMania ramp, then planted each other with a liplock no man-made crowbar could pry.

Chris Jericho would exact his revenge eventually, defeating Trish and her creepy little boyfriend in a Handicap Match at Backlash, but it wouldn’t change the facts. Though he had originally pursued the Diva with wrongful intentions, he had come around to truly love her. Unfortunately, he had taken his biggest gamble—and lost—on a black-hearted bombshell whose only advice to Jericho was to become “a real man, because right now, you can’t get no Stratusfaction.”

[Black Widow]

The Countdown:

1. Stephanie McMahon & Triple H
2. Randy Savage & Miss Elizabeth
3. Lita's Many Lovers
4. Billy & Chuck
5. Chyna & Eddie Guerrero
6. Mark Henry & Mae Young
7. Al Wilson & Dawn Marie
8. Goldust & Marlena
9. Harvey & Bertha Faye
10. Chris Jericho & Trish Stratus