random lawyer jokes

[The Major]

The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.

After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!" The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"

[the madscotsman]

thanks, i love them. oh by the way did you hear that some scientists in scotland have stopped using rats in experiments. When asked why, he said: 'Cause there is only so much a rat will do.'
--------------------------------------------------------------
The scene, is heaven. St Peter is going through the log booksto check that everybody who is here should be. he checks the book, against the pictures of those who are here and he notices that one person is missing. So in a panic he runs up to the big man (god) and says: 'I'm sorry my lord but it seems that some one is missing'. God Replies ' Who?' Peter says ' A plumber named Andrew McMaster- he was the only honest plumber in Galsgow.'
'Jesus!' says God jesus walks in and says ' Yes father? ' It's ok never mind. Look I know exactly where he'll be, get on the phone to that skinny bastard Satan and tell him we want oor plumber back (incase you didn't know God is scottish).
says God. Peter replies 'Ok My lord.' and phones the devil and explaines the predicement. He returns ten minutes later and God says. ' So where is he? He's not coming. Satan says that they are keeping him because, he is a great plumber, and he fixed the central heating. So it's not as hot down there now. He says it's nice and cool, half an eternity of being constintly hotwas enough. replies Peter. God says ' Right! I'll talk to him.' God gets off his chair and walks to the phone. ' Hey arsehole! We want oor plumber, don't make me come doon there. The devil replies ' come on down, I'm not scared of you. God says ' rightthat's it, you like heel's bad, lets see how you like it when I send you to France.' Peter whispers in Gods ear. God: You know what I'm not going to send you to France, I'm going to sue you.

The Devil Is quite for a second then replies: Haha, good luck finding a lawyer up there!