micheal jackson jokes

[Black Widow]

if it offends any one i appologise

Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest record?
A: "Feel the World."

Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest song?
A: "Don't let your son go down on me."

Rumor has it that Michael Jackson is in Switzerland undergoing cosmetic surgery on his pecker.
Then the description the California Justice Dept got from the little boy won't fit anymore.
Another rumor has it that he's finally going all the way and changing gender entirely.

Michael Jackson first wanted to look like Diana Ross, then a white person, now he wants to be A ROMAN CATHOLIC PRIEST.

Q: What's Michael Jackson's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Little Boy Blew.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Little Boy Blue.
Little Boy Blue who?
Michael Jackson.

Q: What did Michael Jackson tell the little boy?
A: "The way you make me feel, it really turns me on!"

Q: What did Michael Jackson say when a boy in a car mooned him going down the road?
A: "I'll be there!"

If you play thriller backwards, you can hear Michael confessing all the names of the boys he touched. That's why it is 14 minutes long.

Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite gospel song?
A: "And then he touched me"

I just bought a new car stereo... When you shout out "Soul", it plays soul music. When you shout out "Rock", it plays rock music. Some kids ran in front of my car, and I shouted "fucking kids!", and it played Michael Jackson.

Q: Why does Michael Jackson have a tough guy reputation?
A: He has licked every kid possible.

Michael Jackson's found a way to stymie that L.A. search warrant:
He's invited Lorena Bobbitt over.

Q: What did Michael Jackson say to Lorena Bobbit?
A: "SILLY Bobbit! Dicks are for KIDS!"

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Miss Bobbit have in common?
A: They both played with little wieners.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson get food poisoning?
A: He ate a nine year old wiener!

Q: Did you hear Micheal Jackson was found dead?
A: He got food poisoning from an 11 year old wiener.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson get kicked out of the school cafeteria?
A: Because he ate all the kids' wieners.

Q: What does Michael Jackson call a circumcision?
A: Foreplay.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and an xbox have in common?
A: Both get turned on by kids!!!

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?
A: They both leave little boys' rooms with empty sacks.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Dr. Spock have in common?
A: They both know how to rear a child.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan have in common?
A: They both play ball in the Minor League.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan?
A: One is in the Minors, the other is into Minors.

Q: Why's Michael trying out for the NBA?
A: He's a crack shooter.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?
A: One was the first man to walk on the moon, and the other f***s little boys.

Q: What does Michael have in common with NASA?
A: It's been 25 years since his first moon landing.

It was reported the other day that Michael Jackson wants to be one of the first civilians to travel into space.
A spokesperson for NASA said, "We're fine with the idea but the only problem is Jackson insists on coming back".

Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite holiday?
A: Christmas because he gives the well behaved kids a special gift...

Q: Where's Michael going on holiday?
A: He's off to Tampa with the kids.

Q: Why were Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: They belonged to somebody else.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Walmart have in common?
A: They both have small boys pants at half off!

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Walmart have in common?
A: They both wait 3 months after the child is born to give piercings.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson go to K Mart?
A: He heard they had small boys pants half off.

Q: What does Michael Jackson think of when he sees a boy in a McDonald's suit?
A: A happy meal.

McDonald's is bringing out a new "Michael Jackson Burger"...
It has 35 year old meat inside 5 year old buns.

The new burger at McDonald's is called the McJackson.
It consists of matured beef between two fresh white buns.

Q: What do Michael's rear and an LA jail have in common?
A: Both hold the juice.

Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his!

Q: Why does Michael Jackson want to move to Ohio?
A: He heard there's a Youngstown there.

Q: What's Micheal Jackson's Chinese name?
A: Melikeemyoung.

Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson was taken to the Emergency Room?
A: He was choking on a small bone!

Q: Did you hear about the new McDonalds McJackson sandwich?
A: It's a 35 year old slab of meat between two 12 year old buns.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common?
A: They're both 30 year old meat between 10 year old buns!

Q: How many times does 12 go into 35?
A: Ask Michael Jackson.

Q: What's 6 + 46 + 5?
A: A threesome with Michael Jackson.

Q: Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year old boyfriends?
A: Because there are twenty of them!

An engineer, a lawyer and Michael Jackson are all asked the same question, "What is 2+2?".
The engineer says, "Well, it is almost 4, but never actually reaches it."
The lawyer says. "Hm, case files seem to say it is 4."
Then they looked at Michael figuring he would get it wrong, then he said, "That's easy! The age of the boys I like!"

Q: How many Michael Jacksons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Michael Jackson only screws little boys!

Q: Why isn't all the controversy bothering Michael?
A: He doesn't mind reaching bottom.

Q: What's soft and brown and sometimes found in little boy's diapers?
A: Michael Jackson's hand!

Q: What's the worst stain to try and remove from little boy's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's makeup.

Q: What's white and in Michael Jackson's pocket?
A: His other hand.

Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's toaster?
A: The bread goes in brown, and comes out white.

Q: Who's Michael Jackson's favorite poet?
A: Emily Dick in son.

Home Alone

Q: Why did Michael invite Macaulay Culkin to the house?
A: He's like the little boy he never had.

Q: How did Michael actually proposition the little boy?
A: It was just a slip of the tongue.

Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A: Get out of my sun!

Q: What did Michael Jackson yell when he fell off the boat?
A: Throw me the bouy!!

Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy!

Q: How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A: There's a Big Wheel parked outside his house!

Q: How can you tell when Michael Jackson is giving a party?
A: By all the Big Wheels in his driveway.

Q: How does Michael like to party?
A: He sips a couple of Tall Boys.

Q: What's Michael's favorite snack?
A: Slim Jims.

Q: What's Michael's favorite fast food?
A: Big Boys.

Q: What's Michael's favorite dish?
A: Creamed shrimp.

Q. Did you hear Michael Jackson is moving to PA... Guess which town? A. Dubois.

Q: Why is Michael so tough?
A: He can lick any kid on the block.

Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a perfect "10"?
A: Two 5 year olds.

Q: Why was Michael Jackson kicked out of the Boy Scouts?
A: He was up to two packs a day.

Tuck the end of a jacket sleeve into your pants crotch. Hold the jacket off to the side. Then ask, "What's this?" "Dunno."
"Michael Jackson helping a kid put his coat on."

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Rum have in common?
A: They both come in small tots.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Malt Whiskey have in common?
A: They both come in tots.

Q: What does Michael hand round after dinner?
A: The under Eights.

Q: What does Michael Jackson give his guests after dinner?
A: Instead of after eight mints, he gives them under eight children.

Q: What's black and white and comes in little cans?
A: Michael Jackson.

Q: Hear about the new Michael Jackson doll?
A: It comes in a little can.
It's only a Michael Jackson DOLL, mother!!!

Q: Have you seen the new Michael Jackson candy bar?
A: It's white chocolate with no nuts.... (but kids like it)

Q: What's sex like for Michael?
A: Like candy from a baby.

Q: What is the worst thing about making love to Michael Jackson?
A: When the crib breaks.

Q: How do you find out Michael Jackson's sperm count?
A: Look it up in Webster's.

Q: Why is Michael Jackson opening a sperm bank?
A: He always has a shitload of semen.

Q: How do we know Michael Jackson isn't really a virgin?
A: He's got children out the ass.

I'm still a virgin and I'm fore-tee-three, not even Madonna will have sex with me... Hee hee hee!!
I'm still a virgin, and I'm fore-tee-fore, not even Madonna will nok on my door... hee hee hee!!

Q: What did Michael Jackson say after he was interrupted during sex?
A: "Shit happens!"

Q: Why does Michael Jackson scream?
A: Because it hurts.

Q: Why does Michael Jackson scream when he touches his nuts?
A: He's sore from the kids last night,

Janet and Michael Jackson were at home one night...
Janet: Shall we get a pizza and video tonight?
Michael: Yeah, ok, can we get Aladin?
Janet: No, just a pizza and video.

Michael said to Debbie one night, "I fancy some entertainment, what shall we do?"
To which Debbie replied "I know we'll get a video."
Michael then said "Great, I'll get Aladdin."
Debbie said speedily "No Michael, You have been in trouble for that before."

Prince Michael Jackson, Jr. -- you know in a few years they'll probably change his name to:
"The Child Formerly Known as Michael Jackson's Baby".

IT'S A PLAN
LONDON (Reuter) -- Pop superstar Michael Jackson proudly showed off his infant son, Prince, in a photo exclusive and interview published by a British magazine Tuesday, declaring, "I want my son to live a normal life."

Q: What were Michael Jackson's baby's first words?
A: Which one's mommy?


On November 19, 2002, Michael Jackson was photographed displaying 9 month old Prince Michael II to a throng of 200 fans by dangling him over the fourth floor balcony of the Adlon Hotel in Berlin. Prince Michael II had a white towel wrapped around his head. Perhaps Prince Michael II was recovering from plastic surgery because Michael thought that he looked too human.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson dangle his baby over a balcony?
A: Because he overheard his wife asking someone to drop the children off a few stories.

Michael Jackson has been spotted dangling children from a balcony again.
It makes a change because he usually tosses them off!!!

So Michael Jackson held his kid out above a crowd from the fire escape....
"What was he trying to do?!" "One-up Eric Clapton."

We recently heard Michael Jackson screaming: "Beat it, Beat it!"

Michael Jackson should have taken his own advise and just "beat it beat it beat it beat it", and he wouldn't be in the trouble that he is today.

Michael decided to have a boy of his own because it's too expensive to rent them at $2 Million a pop.

Q: How do we know Michael is guilty?
A: Several children have fingered him.

Q: How will Michael pay off his old boyfriends?
A: Liquefy some assets.

Q: Why doesn't Michael have orgasms?
A: The big payoff comes a couple of months later.

Q: Why does Michael like children so much?
A: He knows how they feel.

Q: How did Michael get in trouble?
A: He was feeling a little Randy.

Q: How is Michael dealing with his problems?
A: He's holding his own.

Q: How are Michael's friends dealing with the problem?
A: They're all standing behind him.

Q: What psychological problem does Michael still suffer from?
A: Anal retention.

Q: How is Michael now?
A: Feeling a little crotchety.

Q: Why does Michael Jackson like to lose foot races to little boys?
A: He likes to come in a little behind.

Have you heard that Michael Jackson was spotted in the River Thames in London recently. At 1st it was thought that it was a suicide attempt but it was realized that he was just clinging onto a small buoy.

Michael Jackson was on his multi-million yacht off the Keys. It went down. The Coast Guard went looking; the Marines went looking; in the end it was OK though -- they found him bobbing up and down on a buoy.

Q: What was the big break in the Michael Jackson molestation case?
A: A doctor did a rectal exam of one of the boys bringing charges and found
... a white glove.

Q: Why does Michael Jackson wear a glove?
A: So he won't leave fingerprints on the kids.

Q: What is the most difficult thing to get out of little boys underwear?
A: Michael Jackson's makeup!

Q: Why is Michael Jackson addicted to pain killers?
A: To stop him from going OW! OW! OW!.

Michael Jackson canceled a world tour on November 12, 1993, citing a dependence on pain killers.

Singer Michael Jackson abandoned his Dangerous world tour in 1994 after he became addicted to prescription painkillers, which he started taking after scalp surgery -- his hair had caught fire while filming a Pepsi commercial. http://www.solpadeinehelp.org.uk/realmag.php

The publishers of "Where's Waldo?" have jumped on the Multi-media bandwagon. This week they will be releasing a CD-ROM called "Where's Michael?" which features elusive pop star Michael Jackson. Users of the CD-ROM search through a virtual world of exclusive resorts and drug-rehab centers for Mr. Jackson, who will be obscured by hordes of bodyguards and lawyers. The only users who will be able to find Michael will be little boys, who will then be encouraged by a 3-D Jackson to find his Waldo.

Michael Jackson was on a ship with 100 boy scouts when it hit an iceberg and started to sink.
The captain announced "We're sinking! Everyone abandon ship!"
Michael asked, "What about the children?"
The captain replied, "F*ck the children!"
Michael looked around eagerly and asked "Do we have time?"

Cliff Richard, Sid Vicious, and Michael Jackson were in a plane when it suddenly crashed on a cliff.
Richard shouted out "Save the children!"
Sid Vicious said "Screw them!"
Michael Jackson asked have "We got that long?"

A little eight year old boy is distraught because his parents have just been killed in a horrible car accident. He had no other family, so he is now an orphan, doomed to a life on the streets. He's sitting in the gutter in the pouring rain, sobbing his little heart out, with no money and no hope, cold and freezing and soaking wet.
Suddenly, a stretch limousine pulls up and out steps Michael Jackson.
"Hey, what's up little fella?" says a kindly Jackson. The little orphan boy tells Jackson his tragic story.
A look of pity on Jackson's face, he pats the little boy on the head and then drops his trousers and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"

Q: How does Michael Jackson keep his youth?
A: Pizza and Nintendo.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
A: He thought it was a delivery service.

Q: Where does Michael Jackson go to find a date?
A: Boys 'R Us.

The date for Michael Jackson's trial has been set.
His name is Aaron and he's 8 years old.

Q: What does Michael call an orgy?
A: A fruit salad.

Q: What makes Michael Jackson so unique?
A: It's the little boy inside him.

Q: Did you know that Michael Jackson just turned 35?
A: Yeah, but he still feels like a 13 year old.

Q: What do Michael and Gaylord Perry have in common?
A: Both have held lots of wet balls in their hands.

Allstate Agent to me: "Are you in good hands?"
My reply: "Yes I am, as long as they are not Michael Jackson's." (Thanks to RangerJim93)

Q: Who was the unmanned recon airplane the Predator named for?
A: Michael Jackson. (Thanks to RangerJim93)

Q: What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A: A Michael Jackson slumber party.

Q: What's "black-white" and purple?
A: Michael Jackson's dick after a slumber party with a bunch of 6 year olds.

Q: How do you know when it's bedtime at the Jackson residence?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand...

Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite game to play at night?
A: Hide the pickle in the pajamas.

Q: What child's game does Michael NOT allow to be played at his Neverland ranch?
A: Got your nose! Put it back!

Q: What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common?
A: They both come on crackers.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston have in common?
A: They both like a little crack now and then.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson Check into the Betty Ford clinic?
A: To get over his 11 year crack habit.

Q: Why does Michael really need to go to rehab?
A: He's a crack addict.

Q: What did Michael Jackson say when he got back to Neverland Ranch from drug rehab?
A: You know, I feel like a new boy!

Q: What did Michael Jackson exclaim when he say he returned from the health spa?
A: I feel like a new boy.

Q: Why doesn't Michael sleep with boys anymore?
A: He's tired of all the cracks.

MICHAEL JACKSON'S BABY
I heard that shortly before having Michael Jackson's baby, the woman who was impregnated by him was asked some questions by some reporters:
Reporter: Have you been able to determine its sex?
Woman: No. I want to wait until after it's born. As long as it's healthy.
Reporter: Ma'am, I was referring to Michael.

Did you hear that Michael Jackson had a baby boy last week?
Yup, it's true ... and the week before that he had a 12 year old boy.

Michael Jackson had a boy. He also became a father!
He asked his wife's doctor how soon after the birth could he have sex.
The doctor told him he should wait until the kid is at least 12 or 13 years old.

Rumor has it that Michael Jackson's baby was conceived through artificial insemination. Pee Wee Herman was best man at the wedding. Coincidence? I think not.

Q: What's the first problem the Michael's child will have in life?
A: Figuring out which parent is his mother.

Q: What happens when Michael talks about sex?
A: It's all very tongue in cheek.

Q: What's sex like for Michael?
A: Child's Play.

Q: What's the difference between a plastic grocery bag and Michael Jackson?
A: Well, one's an artificial piece of trash that can harm little children,
and the other is used to hold groceries.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a refrigerator?
A: A fridge doesn't toot after you take your meat out of it!

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a microwave?
A: A microwave won't brown your meat!

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
A: Acne doesn't come on your face until you're about fifteen.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
A: One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a ghost?
A: One is completely white and has a scary face. The other is a supernatural being.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a chicken?
A: One says "cock'll-doodl-do" and the other says "Any-little-boy's-cock'll-do".

Q: What's the difference between Michael and Connie Chung?
A: Michael's been able to have kids.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard Nixon?
A: One was a consummate asshole, the other a consummated asshole.

Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
A: Michael Jackson.

Q: Why does Michael Jackson arrange for private shopping?
A: So his guests won't be accompanied by guardians!

Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's new book?
A: It's called "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing".

Q: What is the title of Michael Jackson's next book?
A: It's called "Penetrating the Secrets of Children".

Q: What's Michael's favorite Canadian TV show?
A: The Kids in the Hall.

Q: What will they call Michael's new TV series?
A: Anus and Andy.

Q: Why has Michael been appearing on children's shows lately?
A: He has a lot to plug.

Q: Why was Michael Jackson late for the circus?
A: He couldn't get the stains out of his clown suit.

Recently Michael opened an amusement park...
You have to be at least 4 feet tall to ride Michael!

Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding have decided to begin training racehorses together?
A: Yeah, she's gonna do all the handicapping and he's gonna ride all the three-year-olds!

Q: What do second place race horses and Michael Jackson have in common?
A: They both come in a little behind.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Willie Shoemaker have in common?
A: Both ride 4 year olds.

Q: What's the difference btw Michael Jackson and Mick Dittman?
A: Mick Dittman DOES have a license to ride 4 year olds.

Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a racing jockey?
A: A jockey can mount three year olds legally.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?
A: The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out.

Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and the PLO?
A: The PLO pulled out of Jordan.

Q: What do Micheal Jackson and Saddam Hussein have in common?
A: They both pulled out of Jordan.

Q: What's the difference between Richard Pryor and Michael Jackson?
A: Richard Pryor got burnt on coke, Michael Jackson got burnt on Pepsi!

Q: Have you heard about the foundation that Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor have started?
A: It's called the Ignited Negro College Fund.

It's been reported that Michael Jackson will appear at a fund raiser to help raise money for Democrats.
In a related story Tito Jackson is going to appear at a fund raiser to help raise money for Tito Jackson.

Q: What do you call Michael Jackson, with no money?
A: Tito.

Q: What do you call Michael Jackson with a suntan?
A: LaToya.

In an effort to dissuade all this bad publicity, Michael Jackson has pledged a significant amount of his fortune to found a new university. It's going to be called, "Bring 'em Young."

Q: Why's Michael cutting down on public appearances?
A: He wants to spend more time with the kids.

Q: Who's happy when Michael Jackson gets a boy to stay over?
A: Bubbles.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson cross the road?
A: He saw someone blowing bubbles and thought he'd join in.

Q: Heard about Michael Jackson's new songs?
A: I'm forever blowing bubbles!

Q: Why is Michael Jackson's album new entitled "Bad"?
A: Because he couldn't spell "Pathetic".

Q: Why was Michael Jackson grounded?
A: He was "Bad".

The lyrics to "Bad" say it all:
Your Butt Is Mine
Gonna Take You Right

Q: What did Michael Jackson do when his hair caught on fire?
A: He "Beat-it!"

Q: How do we know Michael Jackson is ready to release another album?
A: He has a lot of stuff in the can.

Q: Who will Michael record his next album with?
A: Les Brown.

Q: Have you heard Michael Jackson is coming out with a new album?
A: It's called "Sick".

He told you he was "Off the Wall", that he was a "Thriller", that he was "Bad" and that he was "Dangerous". Next album will be called "Don't say I didn't warn you".

Q: Why did Micheal Jackson go to WalMart?
A: Because he heard boys pants were half off!

Q:Why did Michael Jackson go to B.Y.U?
A:Because he heard it was Bring’em.Young.University